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Author Topic: first 13 lines
aricbcool
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Greetings all,

Just thought I'd get some opinions on the first 13 lines of my latest story. It's a fantasy story. Otherwise, I'll try to let the story speak for itself so here goes:

Steel flashed before Hero’s eyes as she leapt away from her attacker. The monster’s claws narrowly missed her face, destroying a statue beside her, the marble and stone crashing to a heap on the floor. Sword in hand, she retreated towards the doorway as the beast turned to strike again.
In all of Hellas, Hero had never seen a monster such as this, all hot steam and sharp metal, a bronze and steel concoction bent on killing, cutting. It was as if Hephaestus himself had forged it in the fires of Lemnos, a gift to Hades to make his life of tormenting that much easier. No matter, she thought bitterly, it will die like the rest.
Steam hissed and claws flashed among the torchlight glow of the cluttered chamber as the beast came for her once more...

Anyways, what do you think? I tried to keep it at just 13 lines but of course the story adds more depth as it goes along. Did it leave you wanting more?

Any comments would be great.

Thanks,
Aric


***Edited due to feedback. =0) ***

[This message has been edited by aricbcool (edited May 24, 2004).]


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Silver6
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I found the passage...disconcerting, for want of a better word. You use a scene that should be attractive, leaping into the thick of the action, and yet you do not give us enough. We do not know much about Hero's thoughts, and nothing seems to separate her from the rank-and-file of sword-and-sorcery heroes. Nothing establishes point of view clearly.
Additionnally, I have some quibbles about the writing:
'certain death': too much.
'pretty face': if the point of view is Hero's that a really conceited way of thinking of herself that does not endear her to me. If the point of view is not hers, then I don't see whose it is.
'some kind of magical concoction': redundant, since 'kind' and 'concoction' both convey imprecision
'disconcerting situation': I fail to see what's disconcerting about the situation, but maybe it's just me.
I'd go on reading, but I'd hope for POV to be established quickly.

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Lullaby Lady
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I want more information about the character before something this traumatic happens to her-- I want to care that she's getting attacked!

~L.L.


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rickfisher
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13 lines means in 12 pt courier with 1 inch margins or 8 1/2 x 11 inch paper. It looks to me like you included 13 lines as typed in the little posting box. So you can add a bit if you want.

It seemed to me that you were very clearly using omniscient POV. Therefore, I wouldn't expect any other POV to be established. However, I would recommend changing the story so that it's in 3PLO POV. Ah, yes, you're a new member. 3PLO POV is third-person limited omniscient point of view. There've been lots of discussions on this on various threads, and OSC's book Characters and Viewpoint is well worth the money. Having said all that, you don't really have to write in 3PLO. It's your story. But make sure you know that if you don't, you're going to get a lot of flak. And if you choose not to anyway, make sure you know why.


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Survivor
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Dittos, dittos, and more dittos.

Also, you're beginning in the middle of a scene. It's okay to open with an action scene, but you should start with the beginning of the scene.


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teddyrux
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I don't mean to pile on, but..

dittos

I agree with what everyone else said. But. It does have potential. It just needs some work, but that's why we're all here, right?

Rux


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aricbcool
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Wow. Lots of great feedback. Thanks so much.

First off. To everyone: I must apologize as I was a bit overeager to receive criticism on this intro and I skipped my normal next day reexamine/rewrite stage that I usually apply to my work. So what you see is first draft stuff. A lot of this I have gone through and rewritten (with your comments in mind as well as some of my own better judgment.)

I do eventually turn to 3PLO even though it’s not evident here. Of course that’s a hint that my writing shouldn’t need attached to it. It’s better in the rewrite. Promise. =0)

Also, the beast is dealt with after paragraph two and was mainly there to set a good pace for the rest of the story. There is more depth as the story moves on and it’s not just about killing monsters. I didn’t want to let that out before you all read it as I was worried it would affect your reaction to the work.

Now the specifics:

Silver6: I agree with much of your quibbles. I have changed them to reflect a more consistent viewpoint.

Lullaby Lady: I was trying to write a first 13 that catches the reader’s attention. Two more paragraphs and the beast is dealt with and the meat of the story begins. My main concern: Did it catch your attention? Make you want to read more? I completely agree that traumatic things happening before characters are fully fleshed out and cared for can be a Very Bad thing. =0)

Rickfisher: I was going to do 13 lines 12 point courier but it ended mid sentence, so I went with a good stopping point beforehand.
I actually own "Characters and Viewpoint" and am aware of the different POVs available. New member doesn’t necessarily mean new writer. =0)
I appreciate your recommendation though and agree the book is well worth the $ and the time.

Survivor: Why is beginning in the middle of a scene a bad thing?

Teddyrux: Thanks for the props. =0)

All: I was mainly curious as to what kind of feedback my work would get as I’ve never had it critiqued before. Too eager in this case, handing you a first draft version of the first 13. I will update the original thread with the rewrite and would love further feedback on if it’s better, worse, etc. and more importantly if it functions as a good first 13. =0)

Thanks again to everyone,
Aric


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Survivor
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When you begin in the middle of a scene, the reader doesn't get the setting up front. You have a torch-lit, cluttered chamber which had at least one marble statue and doorway. But the initial action doesn't take place in that chamber, it takes place in oops-we-haven't-set-the-stage-yet land.

We also have no idea whether this scene takes place in Hellas or in Hades. Either interpretation makes at least as much sense as the other.

Answering for my POV ditto, there are some improvements, but the lack of an established setting still hurts you. For my establish the character before starting the action ditto, I ask you this: are we supposed to root for Hero or the monster? See the difficulty? Somebody or other opened with a scene right after the POV character has killed a guy. That worked, because it was pure character establishment. You can't make us care about action till we know who we want to win.

P.S. "torchlight glow of the cluttered chamber" implies that the chamber itself somehow produces a torchlight glow, rather than being lit by torches.


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aricbcool
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Survivor:
Not to nit-pick but I think your completely off.

No matter where you start a story, the setting is going to be somewhat fuzzy. Of course, I could spend 13 lines explaining all about the setting, what the room looked like, how many pieces of furniture there were, what the view from the window looked like, what size building the room was in, what town the building was in, what country the town was in, what kind of government the country had, what the people acted like, etc.

But if I did that, I would set a pace that would put even a Tolkien fan to sleep and subsequently fail in making my first 13 lines a hooking piece of prose.

However, if I start the story moving with action, I can add the details in as the story progresses so that "oops-we-haven't-set-the-stage-yet land" eventually becomes "fully-realized-fantasy-world land" without driving anyone to boredom, or worse, skimming.

I also feel that leaving out some setting description helps to give a feel for the unfamiliar situation Hero is in by making the reader unfamiliar as well. I don't know if that's a worthwhile approach but you seem to use it in your story "Soldier", at least the first 13 lines that I read. =0)

You say, "We also have no idea whether this scene takes place in Hellas or in Hades." If you read the excerpt again, you'll find that Hades is a person, or by implication a deity, not a place.

You also ask: "are we supposed to root for Hero or the monster?" I would hope that the reader would prefer to sympathize with his/her like kind without the writer having to say something like Hero=GOOD Monster=BAD. Also, it seems to me that the POV is Hero's or have I not made that clear enough in the rewrite?

You also say: "You can't make us care about action till we know who we want to win." For what it's worth, the action is over before the reader even has to make a choice and is only there for pace-setting and characterization.

Please let me stress again that the story slows down and everything is made clear as the story progresses but you can only put so much into 13 lines.


Best Regards,
Aric

P.S. "torchlight glow of the cluttered chamber" can also imply that the chamber posesses a glow given off by torchlight.


P.P.S. You said in another post in the Open Discussion Forums that the most important reason you critique is because, quote: "I want to be a writer".

Well, you either are or you aren't and want has nothing to do with it. =0)


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MaryRobinette
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I actually think that Hades is a little unclear as well, since the name does refer to a place and a person.
quote:
It was as if Hephaestus himself had forged it in the fires of Lemnos, a gift to Hades to make his life of tormenting that much easier

It's pretty easy to misread "his life of tormenting" as refering to Hephaestus. The guy did have some heavy emotional angst. And if you aren't familiar with Greek mythology then Lemnos can easily be a person.

Why not start with the first sentence of the second paragraph? That's about all I need to 'set the stage'. Setting the stage has nothing to do with a full descriptive page... think of it as turning the lights on so that we can see the scenery, versus keeping a pinspot on the action. Sure, you only point out the things important to the story, but where the story takes place is usually fairly important.


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Survivor
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It doesn't matter whether the reference is to Hades as a person, the recognition of Hades as an existing entity logically implies the place as well as the person and the state of damnation.

And, just for the record...I'm totally right. End of discussion.


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