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Varos ran through the Forest of Elders, autumn leaves ruffling in the wind under his footsteps, huge looming trees passing by in a blur. Reality gradually fading before his eyes, like the passing rays of the sun. The world around him slowly interweaved itself with the world of the dead.

The thirst for life griped Varos, urging him to break free from the shell of his body. He could never get used to this sensation; it was like the energy of all the world flowed through him, wishing to break free. Tightly grasping the cross that hung from his neck, he whispered into the wind, “Andoni.” Spirits of the forest began sucking at him like a raging current; feeling like his body is being torn in two, one side pulling him to the world of the living, the other the world of the dead, stuck in the middle, floating in pure darkness. Varos focused with all his energy on the essence of his life, and the core of his soul, trying to hold himself together. The force of the two worlds was stronger then he ever expected; life seemed such a distant thing. What is life anyways? No, he could not give up here, so close, almost done, just need to hold on a little longer. He grimaced in pain as his soul began to rip free, shooting paralyzing bursts of pain through his body.

[This message has been edited by Ratlance (edited July 09, 2004).]

Punctuation and paragraph problems, though. The first three sentences might read better as one, the end of the third sentence (after the semi-colon) better as a separate sentence. The fourth sentence ("The thirst for life...") seems a good place to begin a new paragraph. Also "The force of the two worlds..."

They ran through the Forest of Elders. WHO ARE "THEY"? Autumn leaves ruffling in the wind under their footsteps, huge looming trees passing by in a blur. THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE. PERHAPS IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU COMBINED IT WITH THE FIRST? Reality gradually fading before their eyes, like the passing rays of the sun; the world around them slowly interweaved itself with the world of the dead. THIS IS ACTUALLY AN INTRIGUING SENTENCE, ONCE I FIGURED OUT WHAT IT SAID, BUT I HAD TO RED IT 4 TIMES BEFORE I UNDERSTOOD COMPLETELY. SINCE THIS INFORMATION IS SO IMPORTANT (AT LEAST IN TERMS OF HOOKING THE READER) IT MIGHT BE BETTER TO PUT IT IN SHORTER, MORE EASILY READ SENTENCES. The thirst for life griped Varos, urging him to break free from the shell of his body. I'M AFRAID I'M HAVING A HUH? MOMENT AT THIS POINT. THIS ALSO NO LONGER FEELS LIKE IT SHOULD BE THE SAME PARAGRAPH, IT FEELS AS IF THIS IS A DIFFERENT SUBJECT. He could never get use USED to this sensation; it was like the energy of all the world flowed through him, wishing to break free. SO THIS HAPPENS OFTEN, WHATEVER IT IS? Tightly grasping the cross that hung from his neck, he whispered into the wind COMMA “Andoni.” Spirits of the forest began sucking at him like a raging current; feeling like his body was being torn in two. One side pulling him to the world of the living, the other the world of the dead, stuck in the middle, floating in pure darkness. THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE. PERHAPS IT WOULD BE BETTER COMBINED WITH THE ONE BEFORE? He focused with all his energy on the essence of his life, and the core of his soul, trying to hold himself together in one piece. THE "IN ONE PIECE" FEELS REDUNDANT. The force of the two worlds was stronger then he ever expected; life seemed such a distant thing, PERIOD? what is life anyways? No COMMA he could not give up here, so close, almost done, just need to hold on a little longer. He grimaced in pain as his soul began to rip free, shooting paralyzing shots of pain through his body.

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Still, there are little lapses. Basically, you're working with three voices here. One is the somewhat poetic terminology and imagery that we might expect to find inculcated in a person trained to penetrate the veil between death and life. This voice dominates (and give the current text nearly all it's evocative power). One is the "stray thought" voice, composed of broken grammer indicating not-consciously-expressed thoughts and perceptions. It might be nice flavoring in a different POV, but I find it rather inferior in affective power to the first voice. The third is the prosaic voice. It may simply be a failure of maintaining the more lyric qualities of the prose. "He grimaced in pain as his soul began to rip free, shooting paralyzing bursts of pain through his body." The italics indicate the rather prosaic voice.

There was also that "huh" moment Christine mentioned at "The thirst for life griped Varos, urging him to break free from the shell of his body." This simply makes no sense. Your thirst for life urges to stay in the "shell of body", it doesn't ever urge you to leave. I think that you may mean that some other entity's thirst for his life urged him to leave. There are better ways to phrase that.