posted
This is my ongoing WIP, a fantasy novel series, which I have slowly been formulating as I write other things. I came up with this as an introduction yesterday. I'll take general toughts, but my primary question is this: what does it promise you, as the reader?
* * *
The lone redwood stood, an unmistakable landmark, towering over the grassy plains of Derlyon. Legends had been fashioned to explain its subsistence. Fanciful tales, all thoroughly entertaining, though none came close the truth.
As a sapling, it had endured the War, when nearly every green thing vanished from the earth; of its ancient forest, this redwood alone survived.
Kingdoms came and went. Borders expanded and ebbed as men fought skirmishes they called wars, until, eventually, only the great redwood remembered the True War, the War that nearly claimed its life, like the lives of so many others.
Elben Palonis now reclined in the shade of the great tree, his shoulders against the timeless trunk... [yadda yadda more about Elben]...
* * *
The tree may be mentioned once more near the end of the novel, but the story is not about it, though it is definitely symbolic of something else. Does this intro make it seem like the story is about the tree itself?
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 16, 2004).]
posted
Yes it does. Particularly in light of the line:
quote:Legends had been fashioned to explain its subsistence. Fanciful tales, all thoroughly entertaining, though none came close the truth.
I think you get too deeply into the tree. You call it "THE" lone redwood, instead of just "A" lone redwood. And the redwood 'remembers.' It has life and personality and if the story isn't about the redwood, well, I'll be misled but overjoyed, because how exciting can an epic novel about a tree be?
The moment I read that, it reminded me of an older cartoon with a dog finding a lone redwood tree after travelling across the country -- you can imagine the rest, I'm sure. Not that you shouldn't use it... it's just what came to mind.
Also, in Zelda video games, a "Deku" tree is a main character... so any tree that's a central character in a story will bring that to mind. But I'm a gamer...
I agree that too much about the tree probably isn't what you want to accomplish. Could it not work better if a main character, one that we (as humans) can identify with, told the history and story of the tree?
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 16, 2004).]
posted
From that bit presented, I would expect the novel to be about the tree, about what the tree stands for, or about some fallout, continuation, or other continuing aspect of the War. Or the novel is really just about Elben, and the rest is atmosphere. But better if it relates on some level, as you're well aware.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited July 16, 2004).]
It's just a little thing, but I got caught up on the word "subsistence." It just felt jagged to me, compared with the flowing words surrounding it. My eye kept going back to it, and I found myself searching for an adjective that would work better.
I do love the possible symbolism of the tree, and the imagery drew me in nicely. I like your style!
posted
Thanks all for your comments. I do like this concept as an intro, and I think I will keep it, though pared down by about half.
The thing I want to catch a reader's attention is the mention of the War, and the fact that nobody knows anythign about it anymore. That blissful freedom of unlimited omnicient narration in the opening paragraphs, and the agelessness of a redwood just seemed a good way to do it.
And "subsistence," yeah... I would ask for help finding a better word, but I think that sentence is going to get axed anyway .
posted
Ditto on "subsistence", that word just doesn't work. Also, it is physically impossible for a large redwood to survive by itself. I would need an explanation for how this particular specimen continues to stand without the supporting roots of its forest.
As to your specific question, yes, this intro does make it seem that the story will be about this tree.
I think that you are trying to find a way to make the larger story arc be about the War, nitch wahr? But I don't think that the information about the War is going to be revealed to the characters of the story by this tree. That is the problem with opening with the fact that the tree remembers the War, we have the expectation that it will be the tree itself that reveals this information at some crucial point.
If none of your initial characters knows anything about the War, and you need to introduce it, then a prologue is probably your only viable option. Have a scene from the critical moment in the War (just after it has ended or something like that) which establishes this War as the central feature of your later story.
All the same, if your initial characters are going to find out about the War early enough (by the first chapter that has any real dramatic action), then you don't need to put it up front. The reader is willing to wait a bit for the bad guys to show up, and get to know your character's peacetime existence. But once the bad guys show up, you need to establish that they are there because of the War.
It is in the case where the first bad guys you have show up are not evidently connected to this War that you would definitely need a prologue.
posted
Alright. You cannot fight the muse, and the muse gave me a prologue (actually, three prologues and an epilogue. but those are for later in the series ). If anybody want to take a look at it and give me some thoughts, that would be great. It's about 1300 words (probably needs a bit of trimming).
Here's the first 13.
* * *
“The village is having the celebration tonight,” Korina Dolmir said as she stabbed at her breakfast despairingly. She did not feel like eating. She did not feel like celebrating, either.
“It’s not right,” her mother replied quietly. “It’s too soon.”
“It has been three weeks.”
“You brother still cries himself to sleep every night.”
“I know, Ma. So do I. But the Two Wars are over. We won.”
“We didn’t win, Korina. We survived.” Her lip quivered and she turned her head.
“But isn’t that what we were fighting for?” She looked to her mother's back, and realized it was not the encouragement she needed to hear. “No, Ma, don’t cry. You’re right. It is too soon.”
* * *
Interesting note: MS Word says "So do I" is bad grammar. "So do me" is apparently correct
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 18, 2004).]
quote:Interesting note: MS Word says "So do I" is bad grammar. "So do me" is apparently correct
That piqued my curiosity. Word doesn't give me the green squiggly for "So do I." My grammar settings are at standard -- maybe that's why.
Even still, So do I doesn't seem like proper grammar, although I know we use it all the time when speaking. A more proper way to say might be, "As do I." Because "So" infers past tense; I can't write the following: "So do she," but I can write: "So does she or So did she."
Of course, there's more than one way to skin a cat. You could easily say, "I do, too," or "I do, as well."
"So do me" is surely to be incorrect when using it one way. But "So do we" isn't. However, if you wrote: "So, do me [next]." Well that would be perfectly acceptable grammar.
Lastly, back do the original phrase. If you write it as a question, it works and maybe that is why word is ignoring it in my case... dunno. "So, do I?"
"As do I" sounds so much better. Anyway, Microsoft's insulting little innuendoes aside, I think that I would like to read this prologue. One thing that struck me as odd is the idea that the celebration could be too soon after the end of the war. Typically, saying that it's too soon to celebrate means that the outcome is still in doubt.
posted
Survivor, it's always great to get encouraging comments from you, especially since I know you do not mince words when it comes to critiquing. Do you mind waiting a bit before I send it to you? I'm starting to get comments back, and I think I might pull out the hacksaw and do some of that trimming I mentioned above. I'd like to hear some thoughts after I get to that.
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 20, 2004).]
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). If anybody want to take a look at it and give me some thoughts, that would be great. It's about 1300 words (probably needs a bit of trimming).
