posted
It's the beginning of a short story. Feel free with the comments; I enjoy being torn to pieces ;-) *** The streets of the town, like those of so many other towns, were deserted; the few children that remained were sprawled on the cracked earth, and even the rim of the well was dry. Women with stick-thin arms leant out to close the shutters against the heat, moving listlessly, awaiting the passage of the Lord of Death. Not a sound would break the silence of the drought.
Through all of this walked Elyasa: not yet thirty, already bent double by the vision of the Triad that he had had in the forest, his hair preternaturally white, his joints stiff, aching because of the long journey from the heart of the forest. The message he bore, which had to do with the drought, was endlessly running in his mind. He crossed the place and left it without looking at the poor wraiths that peopled it, but his heart was swelling with pity. ***
[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited July 17, 2004).]
posted
Okay... I think you should tell us the name of the town right away.
This is just a style preference and feel free to disagree: I don't think you need a semicolon in the first sentence. You could just as well make it two sentences... maybe adding a "However," I believe this would flow better.
quote:Women leant out to close the shutters, with stick-thin arms, moving listlessly, awaiting the passage of the Lord of Death.
I had to read this twice, actually. The first thing that gave me pause were the words "leant out"... Which is fine... but... leant out doesn't sound good to my ear when I say it aloud. You could really improve this sentence by rearraning the order of it a bit. Just an example (again a style pref; again ignore as necessary)
Listless women with stick-thin arms leaned out from their windows, closing weather-beaten shutters, awaiting the passage of the Lord of Death.
You know... something like that.
Second paragraph, first sentence: I would move "already" in front of bent-double... it flows nicer -- reads better.
That's all I've got for now... must get back to tweaking my manuscript template.
posted
You can also get rid of the passive tense at the end of the last sentence by switching to "swelled with pity."
I'd agree about that the name of the town would brings the place into immediate focus, but, it seems clear that Elysas is just passing through. I suspect that this town is just a sample of the other towns that he has passed through, if that is the case then letting us know more explicitly would help. If it is not the case, then name the town.
posted
Why are they closing the shutters? To keep something out, or to keep something in?
The second paragraph starts with one really long sentence that makes it difficult to read. It might do better is split into two or more shorter sentences.
posted
The town is not important, he's just crossing it on his way to someplace else. And I'm afraid they're closing the shutters not because of anything fancy, but because it helps keep the light of the sun from heating the room more than it already does. I edited the text...
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
First paragraph too passive. We're through three sentences before we get an active verb.
Altogether too much is introduced. Lord of Death. Triad. The journey. The message. The drought. Without explanations. Focus on one of them and give it some explanation maybe. Introduce the rest in subsequent paragraphs.
Overall I'm interested in where this is leading, and I very much enjoy the paradox of the description of Elyasa--true age vs. physical age. It makes me very curious as to what kind of trauma he has undergone to be like this.
posted
The whole point of the first paragraph is to show an inactive town where nothing happens anymore; everybody is just waiting for death. The passive was deliberate (if I had used active to say the same things, it would have given the impression that something had happened recently: "Everyone had deserted the streets" suggests movement, as well as a conscious decision, all of which I want to avoid). I ought to have known that someone would notice. :-)
And yes, there is a lot going on. All of it tied together (and there's more than that). I think I'll remove the message and some other concepts as well, but to my mind the explanations can wait a little: there will be no expository lump in the first 13 lines, which would slow down the flow of a story that already starts slowly. The POV was deliberate as well. The next paragraph is in a separate section, and shows us Elyasa's thoughts.
[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited July 18, 2004).]
posted
Well, OK. But I think what you're after can be done in a more active voice. As a reader the passive voice makes me want to put the story down, and the thought of a slow moving story doubles that.
Passive voice keeps me from becoming involved enough in the story to want to keep reading.
posted
I think it would work better if you started your first paragraph with Elyasa's reaction to the town. Have him do some comparison maybe, since you've hinted this town is just like any other. When I read it, I was all ready for the action to start in the place you described, but it was gone by the end of the second paragraph and Elyasa was moving on.
posted
Well I've read the opening three times and still find it impossible to feel I want to read the full story. The first line does not draw me in, it pushes me out. It is not just the passive nature of the sentences, I have a great capacity for reading passive sentences, but it's more the length and nature.
I think that there is perhaps too much and yet too little here. I get the impression you are trying to reveal the nature of the tragedy by starting at this point. The question I would ask is "is this the right place to start?" You have alread said that this town has no relevance to the story except for its condition. Perhaps by making the town relevant to the person in POV you could make it more interesting. If he'd had some personal involvement with the town it would have made it much more of a poignant moment.
posted
This beginning does draw me in, but leaves me feeling cheated at the same time.
Without knowing how you transition to the actual setting of the story, based solely on this passage, I find myself wondering why you have Elyasa go through the village if it is meaningless to both the character and the story.
If it is just to show the effects of the drought, surely that can also be shown where the story is to take place? You can illustrate the depth and breadth of the drought by likening the story setting (assuming it will take place in a town) to all of the other villages and people he has seen, rather than having Elyasa traverse such a town.
Or, alternatively, as Yanos suggested, make this town somehow relevant to either the story or the character.
Or just have Elyasa reflecting, as he is arriving at some place of actual significance, on the state of the drought and its effects on the people and towns through which he has passed. That allows us to see that he has been traveling for some time and that the drought is wide-spread, while putting us immediately at the story setting.
When you are ready for readers, I would love to be numbered among them!
posted
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'll be completely re-hauling the beginning. Susan, thanks for offering to read the story, but I'm afraid right now I have a very rough draft. When it's finished, and if you're still game, I'd be happy to send it to you.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Hmm I haven't been clear...Sorry. What I meant was that was the fiction equivalent of setting the scene and the main character (like in a movie, when you first see the setting, and then you zoom in), and since the milieu was going to be fairly important, I wanted that to come first. After that, there is a line break, and we shift to Elyasa's POV as he stops on a rise.
But since it obviously doesn't work, I'll have Elyasa stop on a rise first, and reflect on what he has seen.
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