posted
I just completed a rewrite of this story with a change in POV for the first scene and would like some opinions on the story.
You lie there in the deep slumber induced by the machine humming below you. You dream deep and of ancient times, times that are only old faded legends to the human remnants of a once great star spanning civilization. You dream of power and greed in an era when the genetic horrors your people inflicted upon themselves made them no longer quite human, an era when the atrocities that they inflicted upon the enslaved human worlds were as nothing to you. You dream of an era before the Great Systems War, a genocidal war to free the enslaved human worlds and to rid human space of your people, your power. Dust and detritus cover the glass of your chamber, and the lid sits mere centimeters from your face.
posted
First, maybe it's just me, but the POV is hard. What I mean is that you can write a story in second person, but I'm going to have trouble reading it if it's very long. It is intriguing, I grant you that, but you lost me with the following sentences (see my second paragraph for more details) 3rd-person limited is much better, although I could see where some passages might cause problems, because we are getting more than the main character's thoughts. Also, you start with a big info-dump. My eyes wavered by the end of the third sentence (which is too long and too convoluted; I had to re-read it twice). Recounting millenia of history is just not fascinating. There is no action, only recapitulation. The interesting part only comes in the second paragraph, when the POV character wakes up.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
|
posted
I liked the language and overall tone. I found the POV a little strange also, but I have seen weirder stuff published. Having said that, I must say this: As I'm sure you've seen posted elsewhere, and I know I have seen it mentioned in dozens of "How to Write Fiction" books, BEWARE when using unconventional writing techniques. Publishers tend to dislike the odder POVs and use of present tense in new writers. It would be a shame to have them look at it and then discard it merely because of it's unconventional nature. I sense a good story behind this. Overall I like this portion, don't throw it away yet, it would probably work well if a character was telling it to another character as a bit of dialogue. Kinda like, "Hey you don't want to go into cryosleep, because it is like this..." I really liked the line about "Dust and detritus cover the glass of your chamber, and the lid sits mere centimeters from your face." As a claustrophobic, that line put chills up my spine.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 29, 2004).]
posted
Part of the difficulty here is that the character is aware of his dreams while he's dreaming. My understanding of second person is that it's limited in the same way as first. The first paragraph sounds more like a narrator, not the character, since he knows what's going on in the dreams.
It might be better to start with the character's observations as he awakens, and feather in the static info as he does things.
posted
Second person POV...now that's one you don't see very often, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to say that I need a compelling reason for second person POV. It was fine and fun in the choose your own adventure books, it works quite well in instrution manuals that are, after all, designed to tell me what to do, but it is a little uncomfortable reading it in this kind of format. Kolona is absolutely right about publishers being wary of things like this...they like twists to stories, new and interesting spins on old ideas, but they like the tried and true delivery methods we've all become used to unless there is a really good reason.
Soooo...I guess that leads to the obvious questions: Why did you decie to do this? I'm very curious, actually. And since this passage is taken out of context, three scnes into a story, I don't think I can give you much more compelling insights without knowing the reason you chose to do this, and what the POV was before.
posted
I also wrote a second-person present tense POV story once, about an anti-utopia. I wasn't trying to publish it at the time, though I may someday (I imagine publishers may be more amenable to unconventional style if you have already made them some money). But I just wanted to tell you that I enjoy that style, and if I am in the minority, at least it isn't a minority of one. I agree that action is important though. It is one thing to use that style, another to make sure that the reader isn't as distracted by the POV as they are gripped by what you are telling them.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
