They faced each other, at night, in the darkened throne room of the palace, much as they had faced each other twelve years ago over a game of dice. There had been no monsoons for several moons; the air was stiflingly dry.

“The time of exile you set for me is past,” Aruna said. He was looking at the other’s face, and charting the passage of time on the burnished features. Marek had not changed that much. Unlike Aruna, who had seen the Triad one night in the forest, and had woken up preternaturally aged.

“And you come for another game of dice?” Marek asked. “You know that I will never grant you that. A hermit Chosen by the gods will outstrip me in any kind of game.”

“I come for my revenge, and for the kingdom you stole from me,” Aruna said. He kept his face expressionless.

Marek laughed, bitterly. “You have already had your revenge.”

[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited July 29, 2004).]

I want to know which dark room in the castle they are in. I want to know why it's dark. You repeat information, specifically the references to 'twelve years' and 'game of dice'. You only need to let us know that once. Their statements of each other's names didn't do as much for you as it could have. I feel like they could have said each other's names before we joined them. May I also suggest that you switch the first sentence of paragraph three out of passive tense? (I'm not counting the dialouge) Maybe you could also join the second and third sentences?

First of all, (but not first in importance, these are presented in random order) I don't know who I am supposed to sympathize with here. My guess is Aruma (yes, that does look like a girl's name ) but I'm not sure. This section appears to have been written in omniscient viewpoint, is that the case? I have no t noticed any violations ot that POV, if that is your intent, but it does keep up some distance from the characters.

Second, and let me just go straight to the point and not dance around it....I don't like the first paragraph. In fact, if I had to rate problems, I think this might go at the top of the list fo rme. The first and second sentences have nothing to do with one another, for one thing. I did not love the first sentence, but I could have gone along with it whiel you went into a little more detail. I expected the second sentence to answer a few questions...who these two men are, what they are doing there, how they had gotten there....not in excrutiating detail but in some. The sentense about monsoons was, along the lines of the wise reader critique, a Huh? moment for me...as in What does that have to do with anything?

"He was looking at the other’s face..." this bothered me as well, because twice you failed to name the other. First, you failed to name him alongside Aruma in the first paragraph. Second, you failed to name him though you have named his friend. That threw me a little.

Finally, I will echo Mary's desire to know a few additional things about this environment, things that I think could have fit nicely into the first paragarph in place ot the monsoon. The first sentence leads to natural questions of who these two are, why it is dark, and what was up with that dice game 12 years atgo? Not all of these need to be answered up front....obfiously, you only have so much room. I think the description of why these two are alone in a dark throne room would be most compelling since their discussion lends itself to beginning to say who these two are...but I still don't understand where the palace guards are, for example, why the throne room is dark, and why Aruma was even let inside the palace.

I also want to say I like the last sentence. That was where I got sucked in.

Oh FYI, there is a very distinct reason why it sounds like a feminine name. In Latin and Spanish (and all the other Romance languages for all I know) the -a ending signifies femininity. You're not sexist, the language part of your brain just works well. o and -us are both masculine endings, you might want to think about changing the name to end with one of those. (This is especially true in made up names). Send me a copy of what you've got so far at bladeofwords@hotmail.com

I'm new to the forums. I saw your story wanted to comment.

First line is a good hook, instantly drew me in. The next sentence seemed disconnected from the first line and the next. Can you work it in more from the perspective of the characters? Frex, what does no monsoons mean to the character--is it a good or bad thing?

"Unlike Aruna, who had seen the Triad one night in the forest, and had woken up preternaturally aged."

Intriguing. This also might be a nice area to tie back into the second line. If he's aged--and is an old man--how does the weather affect him? How would it have affected him if he were younger? Etc.

"“I come for my revenge, and for the kingdom you stole from me,” Aruna said."

I suggest deleting "Aruna said" and changing the he of "He kept" to Aruna to give a contextual clue that Aruna spoke this line. Having a character say (or even laugh) the dialogue on every line can get noticeable. Personally, I don't like the "said tags" like that very noticeable, because it draws me out of the story a bit.

Overall, besides those nitpicks, it's intriguing and works as a hook.

Hope this was helpful and not hurtful.