Remember that scripts are meant to be more descriptive than anything, so don't comment on writing style, coment on content.

Scene I: Low Earth-orbit.
A satellite passes by the camera. There is no sound. It is a long cylinder with a large solar panel on each side. The camera begins to follow it and a red glow appears from the end facing Earth. The glow brightens until it fills the screen. The light flashes away, and is replaced by a laser shooting down towards the Earth. A sudden crash of sound and explosion of red light fill the screen as the camera is now showing a large fortification with a shallow, terraced slope in the middle of a desert. It is exploding from the center, and as the satellite orbits, the laser moves towards the camera. The laser shuts off just as it hits the outer edge of the building, and the sound of debris falling seems disturbing. As dust clears, the fortification is split halfway through. Shouting and a man screaming is heard from inside. The sound of a powerful jet gets louder, and the screen is distorted by the jets of a large, very futuristic looking V/TOL craft as it lands right in front of the camera. A wide shot of the area shows several of these craft landing in front of the structure. Large doors fall open on the front of the crafts as large armored vehicles roll out of the crafts, and continue towards the building. All of these craft have the big bold letters UN on their sides. As soon as they are out, the doors are closed as the craft lift off and turn around. The armored vehicles all go quickly into the opening made by the laser.

Meh... one line over. Oh well...

If you do not intend for this to be a screenplay, but rather want to use it as a device, then the style of writing needs to be as compelling as in any other form of fiction.

Content: A satellite blows up a deset fortification. Somebody is hurt. The UN turns up, so the laser must have been theirs.

Would you honestly be able to know that Tommy Lee Jones's character was a good guy at the begginging of MIB if it weren't for the ads? That can go for a lot of movies.

Or how about Resevoir Dogs? Or even Clue? The whole point of movies like those is finding out who to root for.

All I think Ms. R.M. is sayin' is that the format you delivered needed a little clean, although it seems sterilized of emotion and viseral description.

Usually, scripts, esspecially spec scripts have to hook fast. It has been my humble experience that in a spec script shoould cut out camera directions to the director, and focus on what is being seen and heard by the audience, desciptive language in this intanse tells the producers and director what the audience will be feeling on seeing a scene.

If this is an opening scene, it has to have punch, it's gotta sell, or your pitching to an empty plate and there's nobody in the bleaches.

Unless you're writing a play (Play's have a much more elastic format.) try writing the scene in Standard Form. Now on a forum like this it if hard to show an example format, but it goes a little something like this...

Courier Font 12 point
Scene Tag Slug 1st.

EXT. LOW EARTH ORBIT - DAY

A menacing, dragonfly-esque satellite drifts into view like a solar panel winged raptor, moving across the face of the serene, unaware earth. Our view travels with the hovering metal beast as it glints malevolently in the pure rays of the Sun. Like the burning eye of a cyclops a sharp crystal begins to glow hot with infernal fire as the satellite turns the bead of its glare on us and blotes out everything from view in scarlet flash. A seething ray of laser hellfire burns through the atmosphere, streaking like the wrath of God toward the surface of the planet below. A desert fortress is struck in its center, and dissappears in a maelsrom of firey plasma, molten debris and utter destruction!

Kinda' like that sorta', or maybe I way off base with what you're trying to accomplish. If so, disreguard my poor advice, bro.

MR, I'm asking for opinions, but don't get mad when I don't like them. It IS my story after all. I don't get mad at people who don't like my advice. But at least I tell you why I don't like it so you can give feedback on something else.

So, in case you guys haven't figured it out, don't tell me I'm describing it in the wrong format, tell me what you would change about what I'm describing.

HSO: thanks, I'll look for that...

That bit I attempt was not a pitch because it was not wholistic in nature, nor did it give an idea of what the story was about, only a scene, and not fully broken down at that, and if you can sell a script based on a scene you've really got a hot property in your hands.

A spec script should grab the mind, not dictate to the director. It is true that a sreenwriter wants desperately to make his script director proof, but in the end if you write a script and sell it, it is out of your hands, and the producers, director, and actors will invariable modify it somehow.

If you ever want your complete vision of a story brought to the screen you'll need to be the producer, director, editor, as well as the writer, with enough cash to see it come to fruition, and then there's your cast and crew that will add their own nuiances that you will have to control as well, but I digress.

The long and the short of it is, to be a successful screenwriter, you need a very thick skin about your script. Don't beat the director over the head with technical directions, but engage his imagination and inspire his vision of the project.

Onr last thing, unless you have a lot of juice in some way in any project, once you've sold your script they won't ask for your help unless they want it, and will be annoyed if you offer it. It also depends on the structuring of your contract.

However, having read a few hundred scripts in my day (scripts that were actually made into movies), I can say that yours is -- don't be offended -- subpar. It lacks any real substance and it's not engaging, nor written well enough. Blowing things up is just blowing things up. You'd be far better off by starting with a main character in a normal everyday setting, then showing things blowing up. Starting with a satellite isn't going to cut it, most likely.

There are specific rules most "Hollywood" scripts follow, tho' some deviate considerably:

Average ordinary person (protagonist) is shown doing nothing much exciting -- living out their daily, boring life.

Something happens to force the antagonist into conflict (Antagonists are introduced).

[insert a bunch of stuff here, love interests, subplots, etc, etc.]

Protagonist comes up with a plan to fight evil but said plan fails... Antagonist(s) temporarily succeed.

Protag finds some way or some weakness in the antag to overcome and wins the day.

Movie over, people cheer and applaud.

I strongly urge you to look up and find every site you can that allows you to download scripts and how to write them. Read about 50 or more before you start writing one. Then write your script, throw it away, and start over. After about 7 - 10 years of doing that, your skill at writing scripts will be considerable enough to warrant the slush pile in Hollywood. Trust me, it's a cruel and harsh business with absolutely no room for new writers, and you'd be wise to want no part of it. You'd have a much better chance at getting a novel published. Really.

Try working with a universal theme woven through the first scene. If your writing the script directly to use for yourself as the filmaker, you might want to remember that you'll have book of storyboards to help invision the project before it is shot. at least you should have story boards. The script is not generally clutter with technical instruction, even if the writer is the director. That kind of script would be very hard for the members of the crew to use.

As to what you said to me directly "...basically (you) told me earlier to write a spec script instead of the type I was writing." The questions begg: What type of script are you writing and what do want to do with it?

I don't quite agree with HSO on everything. Becoming an motion picture autuer is be coming increasingly easier with the advent of digital and HD (High Definition) video, and CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) as the cost decreases with spread of the technology. If you can come up with a good feasable script, you might be able produce your script independantly, and avoid the morass of the Studio System.

I'm not going to post again on this subject, as I seem to rankle your hackles a little. I wish you well, and much success in you endeavor. Break a leg, my friend.

WP

Indie flicks also give you far more freedom to write the story you really want. Then again, you won't have anywhere near the budget available for SFX 'n' stuff. But for character-driven stories, indie is probably an excellent choice.

With that said, and from only reading the first 13 lines posted above, I can say with much certainty that you'd have a difficult time pulling that off on a indie budget.

Also, when you write scripts, remember to not be wordy. Unlike stories and novels, which you can elaborate scenes and emotion in great detail, you absolutely cannot do that in a movie script. Most movies are dialogue. Therefore, so will your scipt be.

Arch, if you're planning to direct (and produce) this yourself, why the heck do you want our input at all? Just do it, duh.

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Well, you're definitely at the wrong place -- Hatrack is a writer's forum.

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I was just talking about your warnings on the evils of the movie business. I'm still a writer, but not I'm not content with just that .

I'm nowhere near done with the script, but I can send you a good bit of it. I must warn you that the beggining is pure action movie. I haven't gotten into the juicy political and moral stuff.

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The questions begg: What type of script are you writing and what do want to do with it?

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Uh... er... I'm not quite sure. I just kinda started writing it. I'll fix it up when I finish screenwriting 101 when I go to college.

If you're writing out the abbv. for me, you can stop. I'm not a movie n00b

I don't think I could ever do the movies I really want as indies, unless I somehow get in a position like Lucas or Tarantino.

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I'm not going to post again on this subject, as I seem to rankle your hackles a little.

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What makes you say that? I don't get... er... rankled... uh... yeah...
(by the way, I'm against luck. I use faith instead... next time just pray for me if you wish )

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With that said, and from only reading the first 13 lines posted above, I can say with much certainty that you'd have a difficult time pulling that off on a indie budget.

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Well, I could pull that off on an indie budget. JUST that.

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If he does it in pure CG he could do it independent. You don't even need a bunch of fancy workstations these days.

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I would if you never saw people's faces. The technology just isn't there enough for me yet (especially on the indie side).

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Arch, if you're planning to direct (and produce) this yourself, why the heck do you want our input at all? Just do it, duh.

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Ya know, I've secretly wanted people to call me Arch ever since I came up with this SN years back, and you're probably the first one to do it

Anyway, what does me doing the directing have to do with your input?

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think that if you want feedback on the storyline itself, you should do it up as a storyboard, then we could actually get an idea of whether we liked the imagery and so forth. Even if the graphics are pretty basic, we could get an idea of what it's all supposed to look like.

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I might just do that. Except I'd have to scan them all, and upload them all onto my site... We'll see.

By the way, I hope my style of quoting doesn't make you think I'm arguing or anything. That's just how I do it when there are a lot of things to touch on...