Please read it if you want.

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A Teenage Story

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It highlighted her ample bosom that shown openly through a revealing neck. It was skin tight and opened wide and left little to the imagination.

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When sitting her legs had to remain crossed at all times to prevent showing anyone looking improper things. Her hair was highlighted in just the right places and cut fashionably short.

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And the best one of them all,

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Conveniently any male teacher she had would give her an A even if she only came half the time.

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The main problem with this is that each sentance is more like a stand alone quote. It is choppy and the descriptions don't run together, or flow -- at all.

I wonder what kind of gravitational pull her locker has in order to get the Sophomore boys to revolve around it? Oh come on I'm just funnin' with ya.

I think if you're going to imply R-rated or NC-17 material why use words like "bosom" and "improper things" It doesn't fit with the true intent of your writing. Say it or don't. But, don't do it half-way, or try to put a clean face on dirty intentions.

I get the picture that she is "hot", but after what could be two paragraphs of description, I don't care. She just comes off like a piece of meat, and in today's world we got enough o' that. And if your'e goin' all sloppy over this girl, give her a name, please!
I hope that isn't too harsh. -BA-

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She had self-esteem leaking out of her ears and was ready to crush anyone else who had only a weak structure.

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I have a lot of description here, but no depth. But I suppose that's the last thing one considers when talking about a girl like this, eh? And if your character has no depth, I have no reason to read.

But even as this type of girl she's just too perfect. Ergo, my mind instantly groups this piece in with trite teenage fantasy--the type of stuff that should stay trapped within the realms of a diary.

It isn't like being creepy is always wrong. KDW creeped me out last night with her story about the time her daughter saw a zombie arm coming out of the wall.

But there needs to be moderation. Give the desciption a sensory feel. Something like...

As this gorgeous teen temptress strut down the halls of her school like a diety of erotic power, the eyes of adolescant males would track her sensual motion with unbearable longing. Time slowed in their testosterone clouded minds as she passed, drinking in her every gesture and expression, but knowing that their vision her would be all too brief. She knew power over them, using it often to her capricious advantage. Her smoldering eyes fell upon them with a slight smile; a sultry, come hither gaze frosted with just enough imperiousness to make the dogs heel to her beck and call.

I don't know. Maybe that's a little too much verbal diarea. But remember the five senses, remember emotion and thought, remember the feel of the scene you want set, and it's environment.

It can be dark, and still have humor. There can be double entandras (spelling?), but make sure they are intended, and fit the timbre of the story.

Give your prose dynamics. Try to avoid so many "She was's" and "She got's" and "Her (blank) was (blank)'s." Start sentances differently, play with the order of the words. Tighten and contract sentance for feeling. Delve into the minds of the boys and girls around her, then give her POV through verbal and mental dialogue. Remeber light, time, and season. Sweat the details, my friend. You don't have to go all Victor Hugo on us, but have fun, and break out your Bartlett's Rogets, but then again, don't be too obscure.

Okay, enough! You can tell me to shut up if you want.

WP

Also this story is not teen fantasy. I was not trying to arouse my self when I wrote this story. I intend to make a point and I hope some of you will please read the rest, then you can bad mouth me after.

It is not that I can't take criticism. I can handle it, I just want you to understand the nature of this story before you judge it in such broad and full ways.

I don't if most people are used to shallow stories on this site or what but a true story has only just begun in the first paragraph.

So if any of you want to read it all please tell me.

PS the description has no depth because she has no depth, oh, and yes she is a piece of meat.

PPS I am not offended.

First off, welcome.

Second, I see what you're going for with this story. But, at the risk of sounding like a moderator (I'm so sorry Kathleen) or someone who's had major dealings with the industry (I haven't), let me explain why I think you're getting this reaction.

In the explanation of F&F, one of the reasons given for the 13 line rule is that editors tend to decide whether or not to throw a story out by that time.

Why? Because people judge a work by its beginning. If the beginning doesn't strike them as worth reading, most people decide the rest won't either and they'll put the magazine or book back on the shelf. Some will hang in there, but not enough for a publisher to take a risk losing money just so the author can take his/her time making his/her point.

That's why the writers here have focused so much energy on critisizing what you've posted instead of the work as a whole. At least, that's my view of it.

Enough of that. On to something less abstract.

Like Survivor said, it sounds like you're already aware of some of the problems in your story. My own suggestion is to go to your library, grab an anthology of whatever genre you've chosen, and analyze the stories inside, especially the beginnings. Then, try to apply what you've learned to your own writing.

By the way, I'm not very good at beginnings either. I want to take my time as well, but in a different way and it's taken a long time to finally get half-way decent at it. Now, I just have to worry about the middle and the end.

I just feel that in this case many people are making incorrect judgements about the rest of the story by its first 13 lines. I dont care if you criticize what is here but those who are predicting this is some teenage sex romp or something are treating very unfairly.

Lastly, this story is a very old work and I may or may not go back to revise it because it lacks any growth or publishing potential in my opinion. I just posted it as a quick introduction work and it seems to have back fired and made me look like a fool. Dang.
I guess I might post another story or see if anyone will read this one.

Now I went through and read it. In honest truth this story has not been read sense the night I wrote it when I was 15 or 16. I was an entirely different person. At that time I was going through a depression and a very nerdy phase. Thank heaven that phase was over. Now I have a girlfriend and skate and listen to punk music. When I wrote the story I put this very geeky spin on it attacking those popular people who I hated.

I wanted to get back at them and so I took the perfect popular slut that I hated in school and wrote a story about her getting pregnant and her life going to hell. A hell that I felt my life was and I did not deserve.

I now see how childish that was. It was just an emotional downpour.

Sorry for wasting you time and I will through my computer and find something decent to post.

1. You wrote about something you know about.
2. It was something you cared deeplyabout, even if only for a short time.

I understand that this was written a while ago, but the drawn out description of this girl was too much, IMO. Then the double meanings hit me and it came off as laughable.

As far as a prediction of a "Sex romp" as you said. I didn't think it was going to be that. I was trying to say that by describing this girl in a half-in-half-out R-rated way, you might as well go for it and call it like it is. Don't use some melodramatic words that haze the true picture. Be precise and make the sentances flow into each other. If you decide to rework this, I would suggest cutting it in half.

Anyway, I was not tryng to tear it down, just point out some flaws that popped out at me. And, they just happened to hit me as funny. Remember, it is your story, and these are just opinions. If you have emotion invested in it, keep it around, it may come in handy some day. If for nothing else, you can use it in your memoirs.

Here goes? Are you ready? Are you sure?

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You forget that you have not even read the story and you most definently cannot analyze this story in the first description.

...in this case many people are making incorrect judgements about the rest of the story by its first 13 lines.

...those who are predicting this is some teenage sex romp or something are treating very unfairly.

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No one's forgotten that there is more to this story. It's really a matter of whether we WANT to know what the rest is. That's the game. That's the whole POINT of the thirteen line submission. And, darn tootin' we can analyze the story based on the first thirteen lines. That's the game. That's the point. It is designed to simulate the real world. The thing is, everyone I've met on this site thus far is writing with the goal of getting published someday. They're here using up their valuable time trying to help you do the same. So when we critique something of yours, including your first thirteen lines, we're trying to critique as a publisher might.
So, don't come back in my face and tell me my assessment is unfair because I haven't read the rest of the story. If you tried to do that to a publisher he'd black-list you for eternity. Real world, remember?
The first thirteen lines or a story lead me in, they grab me, they tell me what the story is going to be about (roughly) and tell me something about the writer's ability to keep me interested.

So, if you really want to convince me that this story is about something else, (because this first thirteen lines says, in plain English, IMO, "THIS IS A TEEN SEX FANTASY PIECE!"), rewrite the first thirteen lines and resubmit them. I'd LOVE to see it redone. I'd LOVE to have some compelling reason to read the whole thing for you. Right now I don't have that.

Now I'm going to soften up.

QP (Do you mind if I refer to you as QP?), don't think for a moment that you are wasting our time. It is our time to 'waste' as we will, and the fact that we are 'wasting' our time on you says that we value you. We want to help you. We want to see you, and everyone else on this site, succeed.

Now, how do you do that? First, spend some time reading a few dozen posts on this site. Get a feel for what some of us do to successfully engage readers. Ask yourself: Does this first thirteen lines make me want to read the rest of this story? Why? Go to the library and spend an hour randomly pulling novels off the shelf. Read the first thirteen lines. Ask yourself the same questions.

Second, spend some time investing yourself in the threads on this site--not as a poster, but as a responder to others' posts. Get to know us. Let us get to know you. Give us reason to believe you appreciate what we do here by doing some of that yourself.

Third, put some concentrated effort into learning the craft of writing. We're all doing it. We read everything we can get our hands on concerning the art and labor of writing. Read the posts in Uncle Orson's Writing Class (top of the page), as well as the Writing Class forum in the Workshop.

Fourth, don't give up. There are stories inside you that are worth telling. Some, like this one, might be more valuable to you as self-therapy. I've written more than a few of those. And, IMO, they often don't cut it with others because our emotions interfere with our ability to write a well-constructed story. Sure, we need emotional involvement to make a story succeed. But when the emotion is particularly strong, the story IS the emotion and often not much of a story.

Welcome to Hatrack and I look forward to getting to know you better.

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited August 06, 2004).]