Thanks!

quote:

---

What made a good hunter? Was it practice? No, certainly not. Henji had practiced much and that hadn't done anything for him. Was it hate? To be a good killer did you have to hate?

That was a possibility, for Henji had little hate.

However, the truth was painfully clear, which was why Henji preferred not to focus on it. He was a coward. Against a harmless animal -- say a deer -- he was as good as anyone else, if not better. But against something like a fire-wolf, his heart filled with icy fear.

Smashing the ground with his staff in anger, he remembered the last time. It had been so embarrassing! He --

Suddenly a green, worm-like creature jumped out at him, hitting his chest and knocking him down. It reared its head, revealing a mouth full of teeth, about to chomp down at him.

---

Suggests to me that there's a "past" for hunters, like they're not around any more. It's past-tense.

>Was it practice? No, certainly not.

Says who?

>Henji >had practiced much and that hadn't >done anything for him.

Details?

>Was it hate? To be a >good killer did you >have to hate?

Too obvious.

>That was a possibility, for Henji had little >hate.

Do we know this to be true, or does Henji think it? Set up Henji as an unreliable narrator if you're going to do this.

>However, the truth was painfully clear, >which was why Henji preferred not to focus >on it. He was a coward. Against a harmless >animal -- say a deer --

My first thought reading this was that deer are anything but harmless. They'll gouge you in the face if they're cornered. They're not typically directly aggressive toward people in the modern world, but this isn't that setting, is it?

>he was as good as >anyone else, if not >better. But against something like a >fire-wolf, his heart filled with icy fear.

Personal taste: not a big fan of "fire-wolf," "freezy-kitten," "star bear" or other fantasy variations on names, hyphenated or otherwise. Show me a fire-wolf and tell me why it's all "fiery" and then give it a new name like a "henji," that's my taste. But, use this sparingly, because if a book has a big glossary of magic terms and made-up language (see Mercedes Lackey, or better yet, don't), and a bunch of happy-scrappy "fire-wolves" who give "the magic lick of fairy-hope" then I won't be reading the story. Again, personal taste.

>Smashing the ground with his staff in anger, >he remembered the last time. It had been so >embarrassing! He --

This is awkward. Maybe, imply that he's given up or surrendered before he throws his staff down like that. If he's smashing his staff on the ground in the middle of a hunt (as I suspect) and wondering why he's an unsuccessful hunter, it comes off as a joke to me, because a sudden loud movement like smashing a staff on the ground would send every animal within 50 feet scrambling to get away from him (or to eat him, if they're Staff-Eatng Wolves).

>Suddenly a green, worm-like creature jumped >out at him, hitting his chest and knocking >him down. It reared its head, revealing a >mouth full of teeth, about to chomp down at >him.

Mouths generally have teeth unless otherwise noted, but perhaps if you add what KIND of teeth they are, it'd make sense. That's a typical mistake in fantasy writing, to use old phrases like "a mouth full of teeth" because they're used a lot but not to detail the reason: "a mouth full of spinning, vibrating silver teeth."

"green, wormlike" is awkward, too, because it pulls back from the fantasy. We're expected to know what the fire-wolves are, but Henji apparently doesn't know what the worm-thing is. Huh? Is he a hunter or not? Does he have training? Maybe if the narrative said "a turgod dropped out of a tree onto him," or something to that effect, and Henji, under attack, thought fast about what he knows about the green, worm-like creatures.

I'm willing to give the rest a look if you send it over.

I hope it's okay that I do nitpicks.

quote:

---

But against something like a fire-wolf, his heart filled with icy fear.

---

I like the contrast between "fire" and "icy" here.

quote:

---

Smashing the ground with his staff in anger, he remembered the last time

---

This rang awkward to me. Probably the "smashing" of the ground; also because of the connection between "he remembered" and the anger, as if the anger came before the remembrance. For the smashing, consider a simpler verb like "Slapping"?

A rewrite suggestion would be something like this, since I like his way of posing questions: "And what about last time? He slapped the ground with his staff in anger. It had been so embarrassing! He --"

quote:

---

Suddenly a green,

---

Delete "suddenly", because the way his thoughts are cut off implies that. As a bonus, you get rid of an adverb ;-)

quote:

---

about to chomp down at him

---

Seems a tad close to the "knocking him down" ending structure. Consider a rewrite like: "of teeth ready to chomp."

I like the first line, btw, it's a good hook.

This opening does have some problems. I won't hammer on anything but the green worm, though.

Really, we have almost zero context for this event, and almost no idea of what this thing looks like other than that it is green and "worm-like", not the most exact description. From the fact that it knocks him down I take it that it is at least ten pounds and probably more than a foot long (so I can guess that "worm-like" describes something other than size). So it is bigger than a new-born baby, green, and "worm-like".

Thanks!

I thought that was unspoken understood!

Let everyone know what a master of feedback I am so they'll want me to do the same for them.

Everyone has commented so much on the opening that I'll just mention a few things.

First, I like the overall feel of the opening. Very nice.

However, when I read "It was so embarrassing," I nearly laughed out loud. I would never expect anyone in a warrior culture to say that (as if I have any credentials :P). I think you need to change "embarrassing" to something that fits the previous prose better.