Here they are:
[Note: this has been revised yet again after Robyn Hood's comments.]
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Marianne ignored her daughter’s evil eye as the high school band director approached from across the crowded cafeteria. The concert had gone off without a hitch and now nearly everyone was enjoying the after party. The notable exception was Gabrielle, Marianne’s daughter, who hung back against the wall and glared at anyone who dared to get too close.

“Gabrielle is a wonderful student,” Ms. Price, the band director, said as she took Marianne’s hand.

Marianne shuddered as Ms. Price reached out and clapsed Marianne's hand in her own. “Thank you,” Marianne said, but as she drew her hand away she sighed in frustration. She knew now, without a doubt, that Ms. Price was going to insist upon talking to her about Gabrielle. The signs had all pointed that way. They may not have indicated the topic of the conversation, but it did not take Marianne’s curse of foretelling the future to know that part of what would come.
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Among other things, I am curious about which of the three characters mentioned comes across to you as the focus of the story. I won't tell you which it's supposed to be, only that in feedback to date everyone's gotten behind the wrong one early on.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited August 30, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited August 30, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited August 30, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited August 30, 2004).]

a) Evil eye
b) Band Director
c) Cafeteria
d) Concert
e) Young teacher
f) "As Ms. Price touched her hand, Marianne shuddered. She took half a step backward as an electric tingle ran up her spine in an all-too familiar way."

This whole thing is just a little too vague, for me at least.

This story seems to be about Marianne.

Also, the last paragraph felt to me like you were trying really hard to tell me how significant the 'tingles' are. there's way too much happening in that last paragraph.

Ecept for the confusion about who Gab was, I thought the first three paragraphs were very smoothly written though. It's that last paragraph where you lose me.

To answer your question, from just this snippet, I'd guess the story is about Marianne.

Thanks, Janelly, but just to clarify if none of the characters are jumping out at you as being the focus of the story yet, that's fine too. After all, this is 13 lines of a novel!

The first sentence threw me. This was a stumbler for me. I reread it a couple of times before moving on. Maybe I’m just in fantasy mode right now, but I put much more emphasis on "daughter's evil eye" than you might have intended.

Maybe instead of putting the emphasis of the sentence on "daughter's evil eye", put it on "daughter". So it becomes something like:
"Marianne ignored her daughter, who was giving her the eye evil from the other side of the cafeteria."
I think that is really what you meant.

Also, in the second paragraph, change Mr. Price to Ms. Price.

This was a little awkward:
"She had felt the all-too familiar electric tingle at the touch, an indication that Ms. Price herself portended things to come."
It almost seems like a “POV cheater”, like you are attempting to give us information on Ms. Price’s feelings through Marianne’s POV.

quote:

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Marianne’s daughter, Gabrielle, the notable exception, hung back against the wall and glared at anyone who dared to get too close.

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My confusion started here and continued. I'm not confused about who Gabrielle is, but I was thrown by the "notabale exception"comment. I think it is because of all the commas. For me, it would flow better within the paragraph if the sentence was ordered differently.

i.e.
The notable exception was Gabrielle, Marianne’s daughter, who hung back against the wall and glared at anyone who dared to get too close.

The last paragraph was particularly difficult to get through. I feel like I don't have a context for the "all-too familiar electric tingle" and so all the references to it make my head swim. I can't exactly put my finger on why it isn't working for me, it just doesn't feel right.

This sentence stands out for me, "Already today she had felt tingles every time she saw the word 'talk' and every time she heard people talking." "Saw the word 'talk'"? where is she seeing this. It jsut doesn't seem like a common word to see written. Again, I'm not sure why, but it is throwing me.

As to who the story is likely about, I would guess Ms. Price.

"...indication that Ms. Price herself portended things to come..."

"...This final signal left little doubt that Ms. Price would soon talk to her..."

Also, Ms. Price is the only one to actually talk and so much emphasis is put on talking in the last paragraph.

Just my guess

Oh well, I have tried yet again, for those of you following this. It occurred to me that perhaps I should have left the first versions there for people to have an easier time following the conversation, but I am hoping that those jumping onto this thresad anew can give me a fresh perspective on the rewrite. The rest of you can comment on whether or not you think it was better, but you saw the first version so you'll have biases.

I had to read this sentence several times, and though I know what you mean, its structured so that it isn't very clear. And this early in, the evil eye business could mean much more than I think you mean for it to. Or if it is in the evil eye in the curse sense, I need a better clue to take it as such.

The notable exception was Gabrielle, Marianne’s daughter, who hung back against the wall and glared at anyone who dared to get too close.

My preference would be "... was her daughter Gabrielle," or "... was her daughter; Gabrielle hung..." simply to escape the Name, role, rest of sentence construction used also in the next paragraph.

Marianne shuddered as Ms. Price’s delicate fingers touched her own.

Hmmm... Ms. Price comes off very creepy here, which I'm not entirely sure is your intention based on the rest of the paragraph. Perhaps the name is also influencing me -- the Vincent Price connection.

She knew now, without a doubt, that Ms. Price was going to insist upon talking to her about Gabrielle. The signs had all pointed that way.

What signs? And for a teacher to come up to a parent at a band event, or any time, usually the student is at least some part of the conversation, so it seems strange she is making such a point of it. Especially since Gabrielle is acting sullen.

Overall, it need a bit more information worked in to put the scene in context. I don't have a very clear view of what is meant to be magical, and what is meant to be descriptive.

I vote the story is either about Marianne or Gabrielle, or both to some degree. Ms. Price may or may not be a throwaway in the grand scheme of things.

GZ, I'm not sure I understand what you meant about the strangeness of Ms. Price going up to Marianne.

It draws me in and I have a feeling that anything I'm not quite sure of will be revealed within the next few lines.

quote:

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The signs had all pointed that way. They may not have indicated the topic of the conversation, but it did not take Marianne’s curse of foretelling the future to know that part of what would come.

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This is the only section I'm not sure reads smoothly, but like I said, I think it is only a personal style issue. And my expectations are that her sixth sense curse is explained a bit deeper in the next paragraph or so.

Very intriguing.

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Who is the story about?

Thus

"Marianne ignored Gabrielle’s evil eye as Ms. Price approached from across the crowded cafeteria."

Throw in a line like "Her daughter had glared at anyone daring to approach her all night, so it wasn't just the band director." That should clear things up quickly enough.

I like the evil eye, probably anyone that didn't like it just was feeling confused and didn't really know why.

If you identify a character by something other than a name, it is difficult for the reader to understand that the POV character already knows the character in question. So if the character is going to be important, the reader expects an introduction, and when you don't supply one, the reader is left with the nagging impression that the unnamed character just wasn't that important. This is why you have to repeat that Gabrielle is Marianne's daughter and Ms. Price is the band director. Even at that, people still end up feeling confused.

quote:

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GZ, I'm not sure I understand what you meant about the strangeness of Ms. Price going up to Marianne.

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Survivor, you have a good point too. Fortunately, my head is trying to explode and implode at the same time so that, for the moment, it remains intact. I will keep these comments in mind and to a complete rewrite of these opening paragraphs in a few days or maybe even a couple of weeks....after I have some time to think about it.

"Marianne’s daughter," -- this was a little off to me, because it didn't seem like a natural thought. Is there another way you can indicate Gabrielle is Marianne's daughter? In fact, you could probably go without that quoted bit. Because the speech that follows (Ms. Price's) tells us Gabrielle is the daughter.

"Ms. Price, the band director," -- this one didn't bother me in the same way above, because I assume Marianne isn't as close to or knowing of the band director as she is to her daughter.

The other thing is on placement (a problem I have, so I get a little sensitive to it at times). At first, I thought her daughter was at her side. Then, it seems the daughter is way across the room. Is there a way you can indicate where her daughter is earlier? A possible suggestion could be a crowd of students passing between her and her daughter, temporarily cutting off the glare her daughter was sending her; that way you also give a little more setting info at the same time.

Finally, the last sentence is a little wordy, imo.

"I am curious about which of the three characters mentioned comes across to you as the focus of the story"

I assume Marianne, since it's her pov and she has an interesting power. But from what you said, I bet it will be Gabrielle. I can see some set up for the latter, since the talk will be about Gabrielle.

Hope this helps,
Cya,
CC

PS--forgot to mention that this did draw me in. I like stories about psychic powers, or at least a psychic character in the story.

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“No matter what you do, nor how hard you try, the signs will come. We don’t always know when, we don’t always know why, but futures can’t be changed by you or I.”

For Marianne, the signs came in the form of an electric tingle that ran up her spine and made her shudder, sometimes violently. Her grandmother, who had taught her the rhyme before her death over twenty years ago, had described it as more of a tickle. Her daughter, Gabrielle, refused to talk about the curse at all.

Marianne sat alone in the crowd, applauding appreciatively with the rest of the parents who had come to watch their children play at the school band concert. Ms. Price, the director, walked onto the stage with a smile and a wave.

Marianne shuddered.
**********************************

It's actually slower getting started, which was one reason I didn't post it. You really have to read down a few more paragraphs to really learn anything at all, but I didn't want to post more than 13 lines.

And you think this is slower? *G*

Still looking for readers?

Sorry if you hate others suggesting actual sentences, but, again, this is just how I might do it:

"Marianne felt that familiar tingle now, as she sat alone in the crowd..."

quote:

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Oh boy, I thought this was dead, but since you revived it, let me show you the first 13 lines of the new intro (which is totally different and I think makes it absolutely clear that Marianne, not Gabrielle, is the focus of this story.)

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My assumption was based on these words:

quote:

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Among other things, I am curious about which of the three characters mentioned comes across to you as the focus of the story. I won't tell you which it's supposed to be, only that in feedback to date everyone's gotten behind the wrong one early on.

---

From those lines, I assumed my first guess (Marianne) would be wrong. Sorry for the confusion.

Btw, your new first line is a good hook, much better than your old one, imo. Overall, I like this new opening better, especially as I can picture more of this setting (and there is another hook there, in why does Marianne shudder), so I hope it works out as a better starting position for your novel.

You might work on that opening rhyme, and format it as such also.

“No matter what you do,
nor how hard you try,
the signs will come.
We don’t always know when,
we don’t always know why,
but futures can’t be changed
by you or I.”

You also might want to work on it so that it scans a little better. And give it a bit of flavor as you do whatever else seems to need doing.

First, until the short story version of this returns from Shawna's desk at Realms of Fantasy, I'm loathe to change the details I drew up in that tale, especially anything that might have gotten me to an actual editor's death and out of the sluch pile. (The short story could basically work as the prologue, and I'd like to keep it that way.) The rhyme, formatted exactly as you see it there, is also what opens that short story.

Second, given that a random grandmother and not a brilliant poet came upw ith the rhyme, I figure that gives me some wiggle room.

quote:

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an actual editor's death

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