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I had to set the moon people thing aside for a while. Spent so much time working on perfecting the first few pages that I ended up hating the whole bloody thing. It was set it aside or set it on fire.
In the mean time, I have something new for you to play with. This is very different fom anything I've ever written before. Opening two paragraph posted here; the whole story at 3,500 words available for anyone who wants that.
The Last HammerSong
Through the window of his elevated seaside shack, Jafartha watched as a white moon climbed out of the ocean to join the copper-colored orb that had risen an hour earlier. Merus and Morlos. From their synchronized phases to their matched quartet of craters, those twin moons appeared identical in every aspect except color, dwarfing the other two moons -– Tynus and Sobos -- that would soon glide across the same sky.
Though Jafartha knew it would be hours still until all four moons aligned, he was in no danger of falling asleep, tonight was too important. It was time for the Procession of the Four Kings. It was time for his youngest son to become a man -- one way or another.
posted
I really like this opening and would love to read it, but I don't have time to do a full crit. If you want some general feedback (like/dislike, worked/didn't work) I'll take a look.
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
You've got a moon fixation don't you? You aren't one of those damned werewolves are you? I hope this isn't a memoir. Send it over, I would be glad to take a look!
Posts: 471 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Hmmm...four moons, eh? Since from your description the smaller ones are well inside of geosnychronous orbit, that means that this conjunction is only visible (as a conjunction, at any rate) over a tiny portion of the planetary surface...and the smaller ones will be in eclipse very soon...I'm overthinking this.
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Hey Edmund. I'm writing to apologize. I've read Hammersong. Interesting--and I mean that in a good way.
But somehow this week (let me see, shall I start listing things for you?) I ran out of time to finish my critique. I'm usually so prompt! I'm going out of town for the weekend and will work on it while I'm gone. I'll likely get it to you Monday night.
posted
My thanks to everyone who came to the party and contributed chips and salsa. Not everyone's chips got used, but I appeciated them all just the same.
Now the story has been rewritten and hopefully improved. Can I interest any one in seconds (draft, that is).
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Send it over, I would be glad to take a look!
:P ^^
