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Daryl knew he was dead the instant he heard the diagnosis. He could do nothing but stare at the gray-haired doctor who had delivered the news but knew nothing of the implications. Dr. Blake droned on about technical advances that could make up for his handicap, as if they would make any difference now. The state of the art neural implants that had boosted his mental capacity since birth, the private hover car, the intoxicating potions, and the private robot would all be meaningless soon. A dead man had no use for any of them.

Daryl had no magic.

Dixon’s Syndrome, first diagnosed in Albert Dixon three hundred years before, meant a complete inability for the brain to process magamine, the neural transmitter responsible for magic. The one percent of the population who suffered the condition was the most hated and feared in the world. They were also the only the only people in the world who had the power to challenge Daryl’s father, the emperor.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited September 07, 2004).]

The last sentence feels a bit disjointed because I have no context for why Daryl's father needs to be overthrown. It seems like a completely new thought for a new paragraph. Perhaps ending the paragraph with a sentece that brings Dixon's Syndrome and Daryl together.

i.e. "The one percent of the population who suffered the condition was the most hated and feared in the world."...Now Daryl was one of them; they would be his only hope for survival.

I don't know if that kind of thing would work in the context of the story, but I think it needs something more to introduce why his father is a threat and that is a seperate thought from Dixon's Syndrome.

I'm not as bothered by the modifications that have already been done. I read it as: this is not an easy thing to diagnose so they have been trying to treat some of the symptoms but are only just discovering the cause. As I look at this, it seems odd that it wouldn't be more obvious, unless in is impossible to determine a person's full magical capability until they are an adult. If Daryl's father is an important person, perhaps he has delayed looking at Dixon's Syndrome as a possibility to protect his son as long as possible.

I am a bit confused about why the doctor wouldn't be aware of the implications of someone having Dixon's Syndrome. Especially if these people are so widely feared and hated.

Overall, interesting concept. But I have to agree with Robyn Hood about thinking he was clinically dead, yet somehow cognizant anyway. I was going to chalk it up to something in my own reading, but since RH brought it up too...

My biggest problem is that there is so much info packed into a small space that I had to read it several times to put all the pieces together. The idea of part of a man's brain not working, thus preventing him from using magic is fascinating enough on it's own, without throwing in all that stuff from the last paragraph. It got to be too much. Take your time, add the emperor stuff in later. You've got a lot of really cool stuff going on here though.

quote:

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the gray-haired doctor who had delivered the news but knew nothing of the implications.

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In fact, the way I originally read it was that the doctor had just diagnosed him with something totally unspecified, and only Daryl realized that it would be fatal, because he already knew he had Dixon's Syndrome.. The doctor, not knowing that, blathered on about the technical advances that could make no difference in Daryl's case. I didn't read your original post (as you had it before responding to GZ's comments), but I suspect that we're both being confused by some of the same things.

I think what you need to do is connect more information on a topic with the topic's first mention. At least something like adding: "Dixon's Syndrome." after the first sentence. A similar problem occurs when you say:

quote:

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The one percent of the population who suffered the condition was the most hated and feared in the world.

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As for Daryl being really dead--well, I didn't get that at all. In fact, this seems like a fairly time-honored (and still effective) construction, like the teenage girl, in bed with her boyfriend, who hears the door open an hour before she expected her parents to get home, and says, "I'm dead." Of course, that's a figurative usage, but it's the same idea. She doesn't need to say, "I'll be dead as soon as my parents come upstairs," and Daryl doesn't need to say, "he knew he would die soon." I say leave it.

I'm going to give this some thought and post a new opening with these suggestions sometime today.

quote:

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Daryl knew he was dead the instant he heard the diagnosis.

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quote:

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What I thought I needed to do was set the stage, make sure you knew he was in a technically universe that also used magic before I did anything else.

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What about mentioning Dixon's Syndrome earlier. Something like: Dixon's Syndrome. Daryl knew he was a deadman the instant...

Obviously Daryl knows what he has just been diagnosed with, so why hide it from the reader? You don't have to explain it right away (the timing of your explaination is fine), but it might help if we know the diagnosis sooner.

One, unless Albert Dixon himself comes up to be important later on, I'd cut "first... before". It's a little tell-y, and besides, with a name like Dixon's Syndrome, we can assume it's either named after someone who had it (most likely) or after the discoverer.

Two, it's a little tell-y, almost infodumpy. Can you compress it? Do we really need the magamine info? If it is needed, have the doctor drone on about it, maybe possible injections and such, and let the reader pick up on his own that the transmitter is responsible for magic. I suggest keeping this last paragraph closer to Daryl by cutting out the factoids and instead gearing the remaining facts towards how it affects Daryl immediately, like being isolated (being one of 1%) and possible danger and interpersonal conflict (one of the few people who could challenge his father).

Then again, this is science fantasy, right? The amount of and how you placed the sciency facts might be how sf always does it. I have read very little science fiction, so take everything I say with a heap of salt.

Hope that helps. I think it's interesting, and if I weren't completely swamped by college, I'd love to read it when you got around to sending it out to critiquers. Best of luck on it.

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From the instant Daniel heard the words, “Dixon’s Syndrome,” he knew that the fact of his lungs pumping and heart beating were mere technicalities. He was a dead man. Anyone else would have survived the diagnosis, even if it relegated them to the ranks of the despised, but the emperor’s son could not be allowed to live without magic.

“I know this must be difficult for you,” Dr. Blake said, “but we’ll find ways for you to cope. You’ve already got the best neural implants available. You can use a hover car rather than fly, and we can get you a personal robot.”

Difficult did not even begin to describe it. Daniel glanced sideways at the sealed door, wondering if his father’s guards were already on their way. Or was it possible that his father would deal with this one personally? Would Daniel be given that one bit of dignity, at least?

That's ok, I'm actually finding it quite amusing, but it does illustrate a point I sometimes like to make about providing feedback: Never make a suggestion without outlining the precise reason WHY you feel the change should be made. When you delve into the why it may reveal incorrect assumptions so that the author knows where the real problem is. I go into this in some detail in the last part of the three-part critique article I wrote for Kathleen's newsletter. It'll come out next month. Part two is at: http://userpages.burgoyne.com/workshop/

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I like this new beginning. I think it eliminates the confusion about what the diagnosis is. You've provided a clear picture of the situation and given more information in the same amount of words.

However, in the new snippet, I do like the last three paragraphs. Especially that last one.

I think what's drawing me out of the first paragraph in the new snippet (or rather, not drawing me in as well as the first one had) is all the explanation thrust into it; again, this his highly personal concerning what opening line best draws a reader in.

I thought it was a great lead in to a wider story.
There are a couple of expectations... a 'Logan's Run' type story where society will hunt you down and destroy you if you had something wrong with you OR a secret society of non-magicians who can operate without detection and or fulfil prophetic roles.

I think it should be: "Darryl knew he was a dead-man as soon..."

The name 'megamine' sounds too cute for me.

And when you say that Dixon's syndrome is a 'complete' inability to process megamine, does that mean that there are people who only partially process it and have a Pseudo-dixon's syndrome or is it possible that anyone whose brain can't process it 'completely' has Dixon's Syndrome?