posted
Fantasy, novel. I don't need readers yet, but I want to get an idea of how the first thirteen lines are sitting.
----
Li Reiko hid from her children, trying to still her breath with more urgency than she felt in combat. She could hear their quiet voices as they counted to ten by the fountain. She had to count to one hundred when she was the seeker, but she had an unfair advantage.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Nafi spun away from the tree and sprinted past her. Aya turned more slowly and studied the courtyard. Reiko smiled as her daughter sniffed the air and looked for tracks. Her son crashed through the bushes, kicking up leaves with each footstep.
She stifled the urge to shake her head at Nafi's appalling technique, as another branch cracked under his foot. She would have to speak with his tutor and find out what the woman was teaching him. He might be a boy, but that was no reason to neglect his education.
posted
Always glad to try to lend you a hand, Mary.
You mentioned that this was a novel, so I'll try to keep that in mind as I think out loud on the keyboard here. As hooks go, this is not fully formed yet, but in a novel they say you have about three pages as opposed to three paragraphs.
That said, the first sentence did draw me in, but it somehow gave me the impression that Li's children were evil and that she was frightened. You somehow created a sense of urgency (for me) in that one sentence that, when it turned out they were playing hid and seek, deflated me. I was disappointed.
And now, as I think about it, that's my only problem with this opening. I don't have language nits. I might have worded things differently than you here or again but I'm not the one writing it and I happen to enjoy your style.
posted
I liked it. If Christine's concern is shared by others, perhaps you could reword it to make it clear that her excitement is exuberant rather than cold.
You also might say where she hid rather than from whom she was hiding.
I think that Nafi's technique is a bit too appalling, unless he is about to surprise her from behind when she think's she knows where he is from the noise. Not that she would get caught, of course.
posted
I, too had certain expectations in the first paragraph that were deflated as I read on. But I wasn't disappointed. I was actually relieved that my thoughts of a woman hiding from her children who might kill her when they found her were relieved by the idea of an instructional game of hide and seek.
Now, is that a good thing? I don't know. Maybe it would work better to make it clear from the start that it's a harmless game.
As far as my expectations for the remainder of the work, I'm interested. We have a female centered society here, apparently. I want to know why. I want to know how it came to be that way. I want to know the peculiarities of it. I want to know why it is so important that she teach her children how to track effectively at such a young age. I REALLY want to know where you're going with this.
posted
Hmm. Well, all the relevant points came across, so that's good. I worry that I might be doing a bait and switch with the first line, but I don't want to play down the fact that Reiko takes the game very seriously.
I cut a line from the first paragraph and I wonder if I should add it back in? Or something like it. --- Li Reiko hid from her children, trying to still her breath with more urgency than she felt in combat. She could hear their quiet voices as they counted to ten by the fountain. She had to count to one hundred when she was the seeker, but she had an unfair advantage. She was a legend. --- The problem was that I couldn't explain why she was a legend in the middle of hide and seek, which forces me to withhold information from the reader. Thoughts?
posted
Mary, by the end of the first paragraph I had already figured out that they were playing hide and seek. The comment about her being a lengend neither helps nor hinders anything, so if you'd prefer it somewhere else I suggest you go with that. My only concern was, and still remains, the following phrasing: "more uregency than she felt in combat." This painted a picture in my mind of a military woman who, while steady as steel on the front lines was panic-stricken at whatever had gotten to her children and possessed them to come after her. As a matter of fact, when I read "Li Reiko his from her children" I assume it was hide and seek until the SECONd half of the sentence, at which point I thought, "Oooh, this is creepy but I['m hooked!"
You don't have to take my suggestion, obviously. Survivor did not see it the way dakota and I did, and even we experienced it a little differently. (I really don't want people's kids to start attacking their parents, but it was interesting...old chinese curse. ) My only suggestion, fi you do go with our advice, is that I understood that Li took the game seriously in the last part of your intro far more than in the first. Obviously, I completely misinterpreted your first sentence so I couldn't have gotten out of it what you meant. Anyway, like I said, these are just my opinions.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited September 09, 2004).]
quote:I cut a line from the first paragraph and I wonder if I should add it back in? Or something like it.
I like it better without. Since this is a novel, there's plenty of room to show later on she's a legend, to show this back story bit.
My only other comments are: The first sentence (the part after the comma) confused me or felt awkward to me. The last line of the snippet was a good hook; a good sentence overall, because it combined world building info without infodumping.
posted
I liked it better without the legend part. If this is a novel then you have plenty of time to get into it.
Personally, I didn't have a problem with the way it read; I assumed they were playing hide and seek. The comment "with more urgency than she felt in combat" threw me at first, but I re-read it and understand what you are saying.
posted
Not to belabor the point too much, but I always take it seriously when people have to reread something in order to understand it. First time through is the only time that counts because readers won't give you a second chance and with all the manuscripts out there, neither will editors.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
|
posted
I found it to be very interesting. I also thought she was hiding from her evil children. Sorry.
I also, don't mind if you add, "She was a legend." I actually wanted a little more info, right then, on why she had an unfair advantage. "She was a legend" seems to promise me that more will follow to explain it soon. So I felt content to read on a little farther to figure it out.
posted
I didn't see anything evil. If anything, I thought it might be a different species or something... but that's me.
About the counting to 100 line... I've had a small think about it and feel it could be worded slightly different for impact and clarity. Though I got it almost immediately, I had to go back to make sure I had understood it correctly. Please forgive me, madam:
Add a "Yet" at the start and change "but" to "because". "Yet she had to [...], because she had an unfair advantage."
I like the whole introduction. It's interesting and, besides hide-and-seek being a sentimental favorite game of mine, I want to know where it all will lead. Training? Maiming of innocents? Death, mayhem, chaos, anarchy, and the destruction of the entire universe perhaps?
We already get that her own skills are far above those of her children. And yet you don't address the problem that more readers noted.
The phrase, "trying to still her breath with more urgency than she felt in combat" is what is throwing people off. You left it unmodified, which is valid if you're not going to worry about what threw people off, but makes no sense if you're trying to respond to that concern. As I said, I would just have thrown "excited" or "exuberant" or somthing in there to describe her mood or breathing or something.
Even I don't think of myself as a "Legend" in my own head. In my head, I'm just me, not me "the Great". So I really didn't like that phrase.
posted
I didn't rewrite it. I just quoted the original and added the cut line. The only reason I was thinking about adding it is because of the sense of deflation that people mentioned.
Give me a bit and I'll tweak things to address the points folks are making.
quote:trying to still her breath with more urgency than she felt in combat
I had to read this twice (or at least I stumbled over it and so I did read it twice) to understand it, and then a few more times to figure out why. Among the reasons that haven't been mentioned (or at least not dwelt upon), is lack of clarity caused by the word "urgency." It sounds, perhaps, as if she is using the urgency to still her breath. Or as if she feels "urgency in combat" (she needs to hurry and slaughter the opposing soldiers?) and somehow that relates to the feelings which impel her to hold her breath now. I think you really mean that, in combat, if she starts breathing too hard, she feels an urgent need to control it, and she feels the same thing even more urgently now.
Fix that phrase. I'm fine with the rest of it.
With highest regards, Your humble servant, Mr. Fisher
posted
For what it's worth, here is what information I gleaned from these lines. Whether they are accurate or not you'll have to be the judge.
1. I agree the first line is too strong. 2. By the second sentence, I know that a mother and children are playing hide-and-seek. 3. She has an advantage. Not sure what exactly, although simply her age and experience might be enough. I can wait to let you reveal it to me later. 4. The mother is proud of her daughter; less so of her son, though that lack of pride may have more to do with his education than lack of ability. 5. It is most likely a female-dominated society, perhaps matriarchical. 6. The mother does not teach her own children, implying she is not a housewife or anything. 7. She is probably an Amazon type warrioress, and values such traits in her children. She probably is a good tracker, and knows much about the natural world.
These things were all obvious to me, but as has been mentioned already, not everyone reads things the same way.
I also like your style. I have a tendency to skim quickly when I am not enjoying the writing, and I don't do that with your work.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
