Oh, wait. Not that kind of introduction. Okay.

[utter silence, save for chirping crickets]

0 for 1.

Okay, to the point. I just wrote an introduction to my WIP (in the first person POV of the protagonist), and I need some feedback on it. The muse struck while I was cleaning the bathroom (of all places!), and I had to write it down, or else risk losing it forever.

Oh, and here, [NP] means "new paragraph". It's a cheap space-saving feature, I know. Feel free to berate, mock, or ridicule.

As long as it's constructive.

And now, the thirteen lines (there's more, if you want it):

After my mother died, a psychiatrist, seeing that I wouldn’t speak to him, suggested that I instead write my feelings down on paper, an idea I took to quite well. I wrote down what I felt, and what I wanted to feel, and hopes, and dreams, and crushes, and so on, for a long time, until I realized that some of the things I was writing weren’t real. This didn’t bother me. My life was boring, and for a moment, while I wrote, I could pretend to be someone else. Someone with a mother. And a father. And a Labrador named Sparky who could shoot lasers from his eyes and led a double life (which only I knew about) as a superhero at night, while my family slept. [NP] I was a curious child before mom’s passing, and when I picked up a pencil, or a pen, I lost the gloom and sadness and became curious again. Whatever question popped into my head, I made up an answer for. Sometimes there were aliens, and sometimes there were underground cockroach people, but I always had fun, and I always wrote until the story was done, or until I couldn’t hold the pen(cil) any more. [NP] I took up the lost art (to me) of journaling (I could never call it a diary; it seemed too girly) when, in this world, I experienced feelings and thoughts that I couldn’t express to anyone, and needed a pen and paper to work out.

Well? Does it foreshadow too much? Not enough? Does it grab? Would it make you want to keep reading, or would you put the book back on the shelf (and here's hoping, btw) and move on?

CVG

quote:

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When my mother died, a psychiatrist, seeing that I wouldn’t speak to him, suggested that I instead write my feelings down on paper, an idea I took to quite well.

---

When I first read this, I thought his mother was the psychiatrist. This is because of the commas. You can fix this easily enough by adding a sentence beforehand, or just rewording. My pref. would be to reword the sentence like: "After my mother died, I saw a psychiatrist..." That would clear it up for me, anyway.

Secondly, I think the first sentence might be better off as two sentences, really. Then again... maybe it could stay as one if reworded.

I sincerely hope this has been constructive...

It would appear that the third time is the charm because I have now read the whole thing! Once I got past the first sentence, I slowly found the rest of the opening easier to read. I didn't really start moving with it until you said, "until I realized that some of the things I was writing weren’t real."

I think I can see what you are trying to do as far as style goes, but it doesn't really grab me. I also feel a little awkward reading this because it seems like I'm reading someone's journal.

Overall, I don't feel engaged with the character. I would like to see something of the story instead of just background.

There also seems to be a lot of information about this character thrown at me all in short space of time. I think a lot of it could be given at a later time when we understand a little better how this character's journal will play a more direct role in this character's story.

I think I may be too vague to be very helpful but it's hard to know where you're going with this story. I would like to make a more specific suggestion for an opening line or a more grabbing beginning but since I still have yet to understand how the journal is going to move the story forward, I can't really give you anything constructive.

I really like the idea, though. It's one I wish I thought of.

[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited September 22, 2004).]

This is not the first time I've seen stories that read like a person writing a journal or even talking out loud to the reader, but they've never worked for me and, to be honest, I've seen very few published. The few that I have seen published manage the feel without the experience of having to stumble across bad grammar and rambling asides. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Let me try this another way. I've commented on a narrative voice (both in first and ocassionally third person) that sounds too much like a character...that may be realistic in terms of its poor grammar and stream-of-consioussness but nevertheless is almost impenetrable to the reader. The author defends the work by saying that it's realistic and that he's trying to create a feel for a character who may be uneducated or just some average Joe, not really a writer himself.

The trouble is that it ends up coming across as if the author is trying to cover up for his own ineptness at writing. I am not saying that this is true please don't mistake my words...it just comes across that way. I think this is why editors don't seem to buy it and reader's (like the ones above) don't want to read it. My own stream of conscioussness is messy enough without having to try to understand someone else's.

So my humble suggestion, if you care to take it, is to drop the cover. Tell the story in easily navigable, well-written prose (it doesn't have to be poetry, that can stink of the unrealistic too). If first person works for you, use a first person narrator who is showing us the story rather than telling us about his own experience with it. Turn him into a story teller rather than some guy writing in a journal.

Thanks for the input, all. You've given me something to think about. Truthfully, I was kind of throwing feelers out here, to see how you felt. I'm not too attached to it, and was experimenting, a bit.

Christine. I think you're right. There were parts where I was thinking, as I wrote "Well, he's 13 years old. He's not going to sound like an adult. He's in middle school, not a college graduate." It does sound like I'm excusing myself, and that's a lame way to tell a story.

Thanks again,
CVG

For instance, SK's "The Body" (aka "Stand By Me"). The written story eludes me, but the movie itself is narrated by an older voice of the main character.

Then again, at 13 years old, grammar should be fairly well developed -- it won't be perfect (heck, mine still isn't 20 years later), but it should be decent.

Funnily enough (sorry for the tangent), User Guides and Instruction Manuals should be written for someone at a 7th grade reading level (about 12 or 13 yrs old). This may not seem like a big deal, but it's dreadfully hard to do when you're reading level is "college-plus."

Anyway, I'm actually intrigued by the story concept. I don't know where you're going to take it, but there's a part of me that's already guessing and second-guessing the plot/storyline.

Don't give up on it, tho'. Just keep hammering away at it. You never know, it could be your breakthrough story!

Best wishes.