posted
This is my troll under a bridge story. I've done everything I can with it on my own, and now I'd love comments. It's about 1100 words. Raise your hand if you're willing to read the whole thing!
There was a troll under the bridge, an honest-to-God troll. Laurie had never seen a troll before, who had? But she knew what it was as soon as she heard its voice. It was a cold and ancient voice, built of stone and night. "Come down here," the troll called to her, "and let me eat you up." "No," Laurie said, "it's been a long hard day and all I want to do is go home and put my feet up and rest. I don't want you to eat me." Laurie worked as a waitress at the local diner, and every night she worked until after midnight to close the restaurant, and when she got home all she could feel was the dull throbbing ache in her feet and her legs and her back. Today was just the last of an endless series of days, days of fetching hamburgers, days of scraping leftover pickles off plates. Being eaten by a troll wouldn't help at all. "Please," said the troll, "I'm so hungry." She peered into the darkness under the bridge. There was something there, something she could barely make out in the murky light, something akin to a huge boulder. The moonlight glinted off its hide. Its skin? Its scales? She couldn't tell.
posted
Actually, being eaten by a troll doesn't sound too bad if her work leaves her so down-trodden.
I really like the way you describe the troll, and the way you describe her job in a series of precise images. Very good!
The expression "honest-to-God" feels a little forced, to me. I think the first sentence would work equally well without it.
Also, if Laurie has a last name (if it matters) then introducing her with first and last name is worth considering. It almost never rings false in the first sentence of a story.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 09, 2004).]
posted
I like the imagery. I'm not sure about Laurie's reaction to the troll though. With the honest-to-God troll line you would think this is a strange occurrence, but Laurie does not react as if it were. This may work depending on the world you build or her character.
I don't agree with the first and last name comment. It always sounds forced to me when you introduce your character that way in the beginning. If you need to know the character's last name, I prefer to find it out later when I need to know. Maybe in dialogue or on a sign.
The first name/last name issue is interesting and I've been thinking about that a lot. At first I was totally with dude - to me, including a last name seems expository a lot of the time.
But then I remembered some stories where I do use the last name as well, and I think the difference is that in those stories, I am starting out with a formal declaration about the character: "Martin Miller was a failure," versus trying to show the character do something (see above). Also I think I usually want the reader to think of a character by name, and usually that name is the first name, not the full name. (if I wanted her to go by a nickname or a title, I'd start with that, and work in the real name later.) Interesting to think about, and I'm glad you brought it up.
In this case, though, she doesn't have a last name. It never really came up.
posted
This is interesting. I like the fairy-tale feel. It's hard for me to believe an adult would respond the way Laurie does, though. I'm expecting more fear and astonishment, maybe even bewilderment.
However, you've hooked me in and I want to read more if you still need readers. *raises hand*
Printer-friendly view of this topic
