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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » "Ball of fire, ball of bone", looking for readers

   
Author Topic: "Ball of fire, ball of bone", looking for readers
Silver3
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First thirteen of a rough draft. Short story, fantasy. Any comments appreciated. Any readers as well. :-)


They made me a ball of fire to play with, and laughed when I burnt the skin from my hips, as I turned and twisted to send it through the hoop.

One passage of the ball through that dark ring was all I needed to win.

But I knew I could not do that, for the game had been rigged since the beginning; the three lords of the underworld would never let a mere mortal defeat them and bring a soul back into life. From the darkness where they sat, there was only silence, and the distant reflection of otherworldly eyes gazing at me. I saw only the ball. It traced its burning arc through the air, bouncing off the obsidian walls.

[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited October 14, 2004).]


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ChrisOwens
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<They made me a ball of fire to play with, and laughed when I burnt the skin from my hips, as I turned and twisted to send it through the hoop.>

This maybe a tad too long for an opening line.

Otherwise it has nice Zelanzy-like feel to it.


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Rahl22
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I like the tone and the images and definitely the title... but I don't feel rooted into this story because you throw these things at me with no basis. Where are we? Who is this character? What is happening to him/her? Give me these things along with all the cool language, and I'll be onboard.
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Beth
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I don't have any objection to long opening sentences, although I do like the first part of the sentence more than the end of it. I'll read the rest.
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Magic Beans
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I trust more will be revealed later, but I can't get myself to like "ball of bone." Sorry, but it sounds wrong to me.
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Braddock
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I agree with perhaps cutting down the first sentence, but I am still interested in seeing the rest of the story. Shoot it to me when you get a chance.
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Merlin
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Looks like it might be something interesting. I'll take a look if you want. Just don't expect many comments on the technical side.

[This message has been edited by Merlin (edited October 21, 2004).]


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