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“Of Might and Men”

Pulses flashed down the station’s main corridor like a meteor shower from hell, slagging everything they touched. Molten metal dribbled from hundreds of glowing perforations in the bulkheads, cooling quickly in the breached station’s sudden lack of atmosphere. The fiery energy rounds stitched across a secured EAC plate, punching through the protective barrier with impunity.

The station’s Emergency Atmospheric Containment bulkheads were designed to repel the void of space and strong kinetic forces, not heavy weapons fire. That duty fell to the outer hull and its layers of formidable composite armor...layers the enemy had carved through like unprotected flesh. The containment plate crumpled as it hurtled across the corridor into the opposite bulkhead, the subdued clang of impact lost as rapidly as the rest of the breathable air. A bone-chilling shriek of explosive decompression accompanied the screams of several crewman as they were sucked from the compromised chamber.

The screamers were a bit luckier than those unable to empty their lungs, though all would lose consciousness after fifteen seconds or so. Without immediate rescue, pressure-based lung damage would not matter anyway. Contrary to popular belief, death from exposure to hard vacuum was not exceedingly violent. A human body would not instantly explode, flash-freeze, or simmer in its own vital fluid. Blood would only boil if its pressure fell below that of water vapor. Saliva, on the other hand....

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from hell

with impunity

bone-chilling

Contrary to popular belief

quote:

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Posted by Magic Beans:
You got some good action going on, here, but watch the cliches:

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Ah. I thought for half a moment that you were referring to the title. Cliches in such a draft as this (needless to say, very rough) do not worry me, unless they greatly detract from the substance of the story or from its credibility. In your opinion, do these 'cliches' pose a threat to this story's overall integrity?

quote:

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Posted by GavinLoftin:
I guess the problem is that you haven't even shown us a single character yet.

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Actually, I was expecting this response, and had considered adressing it in my greeting/introduction. I've been playing around with a more objective opening sequence, and in doing so introduce the main character, a defender of the station, in the line immediately following this excerpt. I've read stories featuring a similar format, and plan to experiment with it until I'm sure it violates appropriate attention spans or otherwise.

Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

The sentences are too long and descriptive to give me a sense of intensity. The described action is fast paced, but the language describing it is slow-moving.

quote:

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In your opinion, do these 'cliches' pose a threat to this story's overall integrity?

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Always.

quote:

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The screamers were a bit luckier than those unable to empty their lungs, though all would lose consciousness after fifteen seconds or so. Without immediate rescue, pressure-based lung damage would not matter anyway. Contrary to popular belief, death from exposure to hard vacuum was not exceedingly violent. A human body would not instantly explode, flash-freeze, or simmer in its own vital fluid. Blood would only boil if its pressure fell below that of water vapor. Saliva, on the other hand....

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I think you could remove the sentence starting with "Contrary to...". Although the death in abstract is not exceedingly violent, the scene in which the death takes place IS violent, and immediately personal. ie not abstract

The lack of an immediate introduction to a POV character doesn't bother me, but as a reader of a short story I would expect to be introduced to that person in the next paragraph or so.

Have you looked at how (the author's name escapes me) relates space battle scenes in her "Honor" series of novels? Someone please help me out here with the author's name.

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“Of Might and Men”


Pulses flashed down the main corridor, briefly eclipsing the harsh glow of emergency lights as they slagged everything in sight. Molten metal sprayed from hundreds of perforations in the bulkheads, coagulating as it drifted in null gravity. The fiery energy rounds stitched across a secured atmospheric containment plate, punching through to hammer at the chamber hatch beyond.

On the opposite side of the bulkhead, Sergeant Alexander Rayne hurriedly activated the helmet seals of his combat suit, the rest of his squad rushing to do the same. He listened as the enemy pulse rounds penetrated the containment barrier, heard them strike the primary hatch. He glanced at his HUD, making sure the rest of the squad was ready. The hatch would only hold up for a few moments under that kind of firepower. One name glowed crimson in his tactical display.

“Harris...seal up, now!” Rayne’s command was lost in a howl of explosive decompression as the hatch vanished into the corridor. The mag-lock cells in both boots activated instantly, clamping his feet firmly to the deck. Harris, with armor only partially activated, was not so lucky. His bulky form was quickly sucked into the kill zone beyond, followed by the rest of the chamber’s atmosphere and one unoccupied combat helmet.

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There is just one more task you need to accomplish, now, and that is to let us know where we are. Unless your plot has an extremely powerful for reason for keeping us in the dark, because the surprise of it affects the story, you should let us know exactly where we are:

quote:

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Pulses flashed down the main corridor of the USSF Hullaballoo,

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I couldn't tell if we were on a ship in the depths of space or on a space station, so you can see how important this is. If you don't want to weave it into your narration, simply preface the story with it:

quote:

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03.12.2245
Space Station Triton
Geosynchronous orbit above Earth

Pulses flashed down the main corridor, briefly eclipsing the harsh glow of emergency lights as they slagged everything in sight. Molten metal...

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If the rest of your story reads as good as this, you've got something totally publishable on your hands, but consider establishing location immediately, just as you have done with POV.

Following are some (I hope helpful) nitpicks.

quote:

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Pulses flashed down the main corridor, briefly eclipsing the harsh glow of emergency lights as they slagged everything in sight.

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There's probably some apprpriate writer's term for this, but I don't know it. Watch out for confusing the reader regarding the object. Did the emergency lights slag everything in sight? And pulses of what? How about "Energy pulses..."?

quote:

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Molten metal sprayed from hundreds of perforations in the bulkheads, coagulating as it drifted in null gravity. The fiery energy rounds stitched across a secured atmospheric containment plate, punching through to hammer at the chamber hatch beyond.

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I was going to nitpick about using 'coagulating', but after reading the definition [coagulation is the process of forming semisolid lumps in a liquid] I decided that I was wrong. I like the indirect analogy to injuries and blood. So, my nitpick is nitpicked, and found wanting!

It would be intersting to see this paragraph shown more than told, by the insertion of bits of terse dialogue:

quote:

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On the opposite side of the bulkhead, Sergeant Alexander Rayne hurriedly activated the helmet seals of his combat suit, the rest of his squad rushing to do the same. He listened as the enemy pulse rounds penetrated the containment barrier, heard them strike the primary hatch. He glanced at his HUD, making sure the rest of the squad was ready. The hatch would only hold up for a few moments under that kind of firepower. One name glowed crimson in his tactical display.

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But the more I thought about (like a couple seconds), the more HUD may be inappropriate. Heads up displays are projected onto the display surface in reverse from below, but the display device itself is actual size, is it not? Works great in a plane or a car, where you've got just as much dashboard as canopy or windshield on which to to project. Methinks a space helmet is a bit cramped for something like that.

Helicopter pilots already use helmet mounted versions, if it comes to that. These devices are about the size of a small flashlight and use a lens to focus the display image.