posted
This is the first 13 of what promises to be about a 75 page story. I have no idea what the word count is in total. I'm not ready for readers yet, but would love some feedback on the first 13.
I'm a cowboy. Rather, I was a cowboy. I'm not a cowboy anymore, I'm dead now. It's okay though, I've been dead for over a hundred years, so I'm pretty much over it. There is one thing I never did get over though, the time I lost my horse. That still bugs me. Even up here in Heaven, sittin' on my very own cloud, that still bugs me.
I guess I should admit that I wasn't really a cowboy in the sense that I worked with cows or lassoed things or went on cattle drives or was an outlaw gunslinger or got deputized or any of them other Old West sorta things. In fact, I only ever saw cows a few times, never roped nothing, encountered just a few cattle drivers, and one tie and one time only was I part of a posse. However, in my own defense, I did wear one of them hats. Before I get on with my tale, there's a few things I should get out in the open, two questions people always ask when they find out I was a cowboy, the two questions y'alll probably got in yer head right now. First, did you ever kill a man in cold blood just cuz he was snorin' too loud? Nope, that wasn't me.
Well, that's the first 13. 13ish anyway. Please let me know what you think. Thanks
posted
This story had better be about how he lost his horse and the one time he was in a posse. If it isn't, you'd better remove those remarks from the story entirely. Because by putting it right there like that, that's what I think the story is going to be about. Which means that's what I expect the next paragraph to be about. If your narrator is going to spend so much time disavowing his own cowboy credentials, the first question on this reader's mind is not did he shoot a man for snoring.
What I mention above is related only to the craft of writing outside of personal preferences, beliefs, or bias on my part. What I'm about to say now is pure opinion and reflects my beliefs and preferences, and you may disagree with me utterly, but please don't let that take away from my first point. Nearly everything about this story is not my cup of meat: it has cowboys (which I do not care for), heaven (in which I do not believe), a dead person as the narrator (a premise I dislike) and an aw-shucks country colloquialism that I really dislike. Remember: these are my opinions. For what it's worth, (maybe it explains things) I hate country music, too.
If you feel the story is worth pursuing, please consider only my first point. I suppose I could have withheld the personal opinions, but being too selectively honest is dissembling for me, tonight. I do not mean to offend.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 26, 2004).]
posted
I like the relaxed, conversational tone, it makes me feel like I'm sitting with my shoes kicked off in front of a fire with the kind of person you can be easy with from the get-go, and somenoe who's likely to make me laugh. But I like the intimacy of 1st person narrative, so I'm biased. The colloquialism didn't bother me until the last paragraph, where the y'all, yer, and cuz got to be a bit much.
On the other hand, I hope something fairly serious happens (or happened) to this guy, (perhaps in the way that he died?) or I would never get interested enough for a passing acquaintance to become someone I care about.
I totally agree with Magic on 2 points: I didn't like the reference to Heaven either, though not because of personal belief or lack of it; it just came off cheesy to me. Unless you're reeally careful, Heaven always comes off better as a metaphor than a believable setting, IMO.
And I also expected to hear the story about the horse once you mentioned it, so if that is part of the story perhaps you should save that sentence to carry us into it.
I don't mind having a dead person as a narrator, but you'd better establish the ground rules regarding it pretty fast - for instance, how can people ask him questions if he's dead? Is he talking to other people in Heaven? Because if so, he isn't talking to me lol. In which case, you should switch to 3rd person. My point is - make sure you're clear up front about how the character can interact with the world.
Several problems could probably be handled just by taking out the following bit:
quote:...two questions people always ask when they find out I was a cowboy, the two questions y'alll probably got in yer head right now.
Of course no one is really asking themselves that question. But if you go right into something like, "First, I never killed a man in cold blood...", that would establish something the narrator wants us to know about what kind of person he was, which is fine.
I think it has a lot of potential
[This message has been edited by opus_81a (edited October 27, 2004).]
posted
I liked it overall. The concern about how you present heaven may be overstated, but oddly enough I had something of an issue with it. I thought that it would have been better if you'd said something like:
quote:I'm a cowboy. Well, in the hereafter I'm a somptin'abim or whatnot, but I used to be a cowboy.
Still, even though I say that, I thought it was fine as it was, just has some room for more creativity. I personally have absolutely no problem with a narrative purportedly written to an audience that could not realistically include myself at present, and since I fully expect that one day I shall be among those no longer enjoying mortality, I have even less of a problem with this type of story.
There is a bit of a strange note to the discussion of how he was a cowboy, since he clearly admits that he was not any such thing. Also, I have to say that finding out that someone was a cowboy, probably the last thing I would expect is that he'd been the sort to kill guys for snoring too loud. You don't work long as a cowboy without developing a powerful immunity to snoring. Even so, it wasn't so off-putting that I'd stop reading.
posted
I'm with survivor.. the above mentioned flaws didn't really bug me too much.
I don't know that I'd like to read 20k words with this diction: it's so conversational, you'd have to get to something narrative pretty soon.
I don't feel like this horse business needs to be a focus of your story -- more of an interesting tidbit to enrich the one you're going to tell. As is, I saw those first two paragraphs not as a promise of story, but as an introduction to your character.
posted
Thank yo uso much to those of you who took the time to read adn critique. I appreciate the effort. All of you had excellent suggestions that I think will help me a great deal. Magic Beans... No, no offense taken, I am thankful for your honesty and time. That's why I posted, so that I could get honest helpful feedback
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I do not mean to offend.
