posted
Here is a rough draft of a short story I've been working on for a couple of weeks. It gets closer to the kinds of things I normally write. The whole thing is just shy of 8,000 words. It is a very mild sci-fi. There are a couple of violent scenes and a few curse words dropped here and there. I'd welcome readers and comments.
The lights flickered out. In the sudden darkness of the bedroom, I could hear Melanie stumble around for a flashlight. The springs creaked twice as she bounced over the mattress and thudded to the floor on the other side. Moonlight from the window slowly evaporated the inky blackness that flooded my vision. The shadow of Melanie’s head swept passed the window before she flopped down on the opposite side of the room. Several things fell to the floor and scattered under the bed as she wrestled her stubborn toy chest open. Just as my eyes adjusted and shapes began to rise out of the darkness, she squeaked in delight and clicked a button.
A flare of light whitewashed my world, leaving only a stinging aftermath and a hazy purple scar across my vision. Something about the button click and the light conjured images of pine bark and a disfigured doll in my mind. I frowned and shook my head, but the senseless images stuck. Melanie shifted the flashlight to retrieve her toys and grunted as she crawled under the bed.
Let me know what you think about the first 13 lines.
posted
The beginning grabbed my attention right away, but left me feeling confused. I assume that a lot is cleared up as the story progresses, but you could get rid of the "huh?" factor by clarifying a couple of things pretty easily. To really be able to picture the scene, I need to know roughly how old Melanie is, and what her relationship to the narrator is. The age and relationship of the characters should help give an image of the room.
As the story progresses, I'm also going to need to know why the flashlight brought up such an odd image to the narrator, or the image should be dropped.
[Edited because a quick reread of the post answered one of my questions.]
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited October 28, 2004).]
posted
Yeah. There's a bigtime "huh?" factor here.
Part of this is because the narrator has no internal (and little external) reaction to anything that happens. Since we already don't have a clear depiction of exact events, the lack of reaction from the POV leaves us with no solid clues to the significance of anything in the story.
posted
I agree with the above two comments...I got so tied up with creating this idea of confusion in the dark, that I forgot that readers don't like to be confused and in the dark. One of these days I'll get good at grabbing readers in the first thirteen lines (I appreciate what I've learned in this writer's group already in fact)...
Here is the first 13 of Glimpses (again...working title) version 2 Let me know if this is any better.
<START SUBMISSION> The lights flickered out. In the sudden darkness of the bedroom, I could hear my older sister, Melanie, stumbling around for a flashlight. The springs creaked twice as she bounced over the mattress and thudded to the floor on the other side. Moonlight from the window slowly evaporated the inky blackness that flooded my vision. The shadow of Melanie’s head swept passed the window before she flopped down on the opposite side of the room. Several things fell to the floor and scattered under the bed as she wrestled her stubborn toy chest open.
Had I known she was just a handful of breaths from the grave, I might have helped her, or said something. I was too little, and my glimpses, up to that point, hadn’t come true. So I just sat there trying not to let Melanie see my fear of the dark. The last thing I needed was a sixth grader picking on me, or, worse, feeling bad for me. Just as my eyes adjusted and shapes began to coalesce out of the darkness, she clicked the flashlight button and triggered the event that inspired my nightmares. <END SUBMISSION>
If there are any readers out there, this thing is still just shy of 8000 words and I'd love the comments. Just as a warning...there are a couple of violent scenes and a few "naughty" words.
posted
Wow! Much clearer! It really grabbed my attention, too. The first version confused more than interested me, but this one is looking really good! Way to go! Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
< In the sudden darkness of the bedroom, I could hear my older sister, Melanie, stumbling around for a flashlight.>
IMO, fine. The only improvement I could think of, is that instead of having the viewpoint character say 'I could hear', just say something like:
In the sudden darkness of the bedroom, my older sister, Melanie, stumbled around for a flashlight.
The reasons for this, or at least I was told when someone nitpicked this in one of my WIP's is, it goes without saying that the viewpoint character saw, heard, ect... such and such.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 02, 2004).]
posted
I am guilty of that as well. My wife (best and wisest of all critics) calls it "reporting." I mention it because using that term may be beneficial for many of us. We can examine a piece of writing for reporting and root it out. We've all heard "show, not tell" so many times it begins to deconstruct. But to say "your writing sounds like reporting" is fresher and makes the nature of the problem apparent.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Reporting is a great term. I've been trying to live by the show, not tell rule, but reporting sums it up.
I already made that one minor change to this draft of the story. Thanks for the comments on the introduction. The old one didn't seem to lead the reader anywhere. This one at least hints at the upcoming peril and the narrator's unique ability.
I'm still looking for readers on the rest of it. Let me know if there are any takers out there.
posted
I'm curious about where this is going, but I don't have the time this month - but please keep me on the list for the next draft.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
RetinoBlastoma, Thanks for the interest! I'll send it right along (give me about an hour...).
Beth, I received some good feedback from Jeraliey that I will look at incorporating into a future draft. Once it is ready, I'll post it and let you know.
Jeraliey, thanks again for the great comments, I really appreciate them.
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Glad I could help. 
