posted
Anyone with eyes to see might have seen a dark, sinuous serpent descending upon the capital of Dorain. Few had the eyes to see such things, and fewer still the power to avert the coming storm.
Aspen watched the tea leaves in the bottom of his cup slowly uncurl as he poured in the hot water. When working at the palace with his father became too menial of too overwhelming he appreciated the fact that he could escape to this little coffee hearth in the outer ring. His five years of patronage made this coffee hearth a home away from home for him. Most of the time he drank the dark, strong brew that the shop was known for, but today tea was on his mind. The way the leaves unfurled in the hot water, writhing like tormented souls, seemed incredibly appropriate.
[This message has been edited by WuSong (edited October 30, 2004).]
quote:Anyone with eyes to see might have seen a dark, sinuous serpent descending upon the capital of Dorain. Few had the eyes to see such things, and fewer still the power to avert the coming storm.
This is immediately intriguing to me, a nice way to pull me in. However, there is no transition between this and the scene with Aspen in the coffee hearth. That makes the next paragraph, about Aspen, feel very disjointed to me. It feels to me like it needs something of a transition, even if only a single sentence. Something saying that Aspen didn't see the coming storm either, perhaps?
The repetition of the phrase "coffee hearth" in consecutive sentences made me stumble. Could the second instance be replaced with something like "this place"?
quote:but today tea was on his mind. The way the leaves unfurled in the hot water
Again, this feels to me as though it needs a transition. You go from Aspen merely thinking about tea to, suddenly, the tea leaves in the cup. It left me wondering how the tea magically appeared at his very thought. No, I didn't take it to mean that literally, but it felt that abrupt. Perhaps the observation about the leaves occurs when the tea is placed before him?
The imagery of the tea leaves swirling is wonderful, and evocative of the storm with which you begin your tale.
My time is booked pretty well through Tuesday, but if you need a reader after that, I'd be happy to peek. I remember when you posted this idea before and I was interested then, too.
posted
I largely agree with Susan's comments about this. I would suggest that rather than a transition between the first and second paragraphs, though, just something that makes the distinction clearer would help. Perhaps setting the first in italics? It is short enough to prevent that from being a problem, and would make it clear that the two parts are distinct.
Posts: 626 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I like the way it begins with the snake, but unless it is a giant-sized snake or is highly poinsonous and after an important person, one little snake slithering into town doesn't seem too ominous. Consider describing the snake or show it doing something in a way that matches the sense of dread you're after.
This is more subjective, but the language in some places is a little too wordy and could perhaps be more economic.
quote:When working at the palace with his father became too menial of too overwhelming he appreciated the fact that he could escape to this little coffee hearth in the outer ring.
A more economical version: When palace work with his father grew menial and overwhelming, he escaped to his favorite coffee hearth in the outer ring.
I realize that word choice is highly personal and is the soul of the writer's voice on the page, but consider: Aspen does not appreciate any facts, really. That is a trite phrase that people use while they talk because they are thinking on their feet. Writing should be more precise; you have all the time in the world to say exactly what you mean. It is the escape itself he appreciates, and the cozy familiarity of his coffee hearth haven that he appreciates. In a similar vein, "home away from home" is a cliched expression, used as a shortcut to an idea that would be better expressed through more concise language.
In the last sentence:
quote:The way the leaves unfurled in the hot water, writhing like tormented souls, seemed incredibly appropriate.
Personally, I find the simile overwrought. I think that "incredibly appropriate" means that the narrator's simile reflects Aspen's mental state. You know what you mean to say, but you must say it with precision. What might be more appropriate is that the uncurling tea leaves reflect Aspen's uncurling tension as he finally relaxes away from the stress of the palace. Also, if or when you rework this, try avoiding adverbs. They sound overinflated and are often unecessary.
You've got the beginnings of something intriguing, here. There is danger and tension in the air. Tighten up your language, and you will sharpen the danger, increase the tension. Good luck!
posted
I like the image and sense of impending doom you have created with the "sinuous serpent" but I feel the repetition of the phrase "eyes to see" disrupts the flow and reduces the impact. I think it is a great start.
Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2004
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