posted
For Cayla Andrews, the college campus was always reminiscent of a forest, each walkway an exposed root, each building a tree to which each root was connected. Though these edifices held nothing as sweet or enduring as sap from a maple, or as crisp and pungent as the nectar of a pine, Cayla enjoyed walking throughout the campus, getting lost among the buildings the same way she would among the trees in the woods back home. Little else had sparked Cayla’s interest until recently. Today, she was headed to one of the campus residence halls to pursue that interest, or at least give it, give him, the bit of time he seemed worth after they first met. She strolled calmly to the residence hall taking in the afternoon autumn breeze that swept over the labyrinthine campus. It even occurred to her that she may be wasting her time going to the residence hall at all, and should instead make her way off campus to the duck pond to enjoy the waning day.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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I've read all three of your fragments, and The Center, IMO, is the strongest. I hope you don't mind me giving comments on all three in this thread. My comments are:
1. The character in "Something New" is introduced up front, rather than being a nameless entity. The others he is not. Name them as soon as possible. That little thing quickly cements your character as someone worth reading about. If he's not worth having a name, why is he worth reading (or writing) about? The ONLY reason to do otherwise, IMO, is if that particular character has no importance other than introducing some action or an idea. If he's going to last in the story at all, he needs to have a name right away.
2. An overuse of adjectives and adverbs--in all three, but most troublesome in this respect in Windsong. Go easy. Try to say as much as possible in as few words as possible. In fact, just as an exercise, try rewriting these fragments using absolutely NO adjectives or adverbs, but still including the same information. See what you get. You might be pleasantly surprised.
3. In Windsong particularly, a lot of description, but no tension, no promise of conflict to draw me in and make me want to know what's going to happen to your character. Why should I care about some guy that sits around on his carven chair doing pretty much nothing but listening? Make the listening important. Make it the catalyst for the promise of conflict. "Something New" has some tension, but nothing I particularly care about. It simply fails to draw me in. I like the metaphors/similes comparing sidewalks and buildings to roots and trees. But because you spent so much time with that comparison I need to be ensured that it's going to become important throughout the story. If it's not, if it's only there for the sake of the beauty of the metaphor, it slows down your story's progression. And the slower your story's progression, the more opportunity you give your reader to jump ship. I don't mean you have to start at a fast pace and keep that pace up consistently. Those kinds of stories are exhausting to read. But you can more easily get away with slowing things down later if your beginning really grabs your reader and gets things rolling at a good pace. Your BEST fragment for accomplishing good 'grabby' tension is "The Center". The scene is fairly quiet, but we have loads of tension in the blood and in the kind of matter-of-fact attitude of the man toward the thing he has done. Good stuff.
posted
Again, not sure what you're looking to get from us, but this is a strong opening. Good use of the character's personal metaphor to draw us into her world and perspective, an attractive voice and flowing prose help build an image of an interesting person to know.
A complementary complaint, I had trouble understanding the line "Little else had sparked Cayla’s interest until recently." It stood out as not fitting smoothly into the passage. Some other minor phrases that broke the mood, "bit of time he seemed worth" goes beyond detached to callous, which doesn't fit the mood. Also, "to [noun] to [verb]" is a bit like using "had had to" to mean "had needed". It may be valid, but it looks and sounds terrible. It can be fixed simply by using a phrase like "so/where she could" in place of the second "to", though given the length of some of your sentances, you should be careful of simple fixes that make them longer.
Overall, the rather subtle nature of the complaints illustrates the overall strength of this opening text. It left me with a desire to keep reading, which is the point of all good writing.
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I'm actually looking for readers of the full text - about 4800 words, give or take. I appreciate the feedback though. The setup in the beginning always seemed somewhat misleading in places, and I could never figure out how to fix that. The further you go, probably in the next ten lines or so, her motivation becomes clearer, I think.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
This one sparked my interest, if you're still looking for readers. Is is a short story or a chapter from a larger work?
Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I would like to send my story out, in a little while. Meanwhile, those who are interested in reading it should e-mail me, and I'll send the story as a reply. Send your requests to cjchandler77@yahoo.com
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I took a look at the profile through the link above your posts, and I see you're a new member of this forum, like me.
I'm not sure it's customary to ask potential readers to Email a request for a reading. I assume you are aware that you can access our Email address easily through the links found next to the date of each post. This might be a more efficient way to get your story out.
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