posted
As the cool of the night gently cradled every living thing into a solemn slumber, the hunter stooped beside a stream in the darkness, rinsing blood from his hands. This evening’s work tired him, and he huffed a steamy breath at the thought of not yet being finished. The task was supposed to be a simple extraction and transport, and the man never thought that the carrier would resist so much. Once his hands had been cleaned to his satisfaction, he withdrew a few small pellets from a slender pouch fastened to his sleeve. He looked on the ground to find the bucket that he brought with him for the disposal he needed to do after the removal was finished, and filled the bucket with water from the stream. Once full, the man carried the bucket to the site where he had dug a hole where he laid the carcass of the carrier. He emptied the bucket, and traveled from the hole to the stream, until he had fully submerged the body of the carrier, a twelve-year-old child, beneath a few gallons of silted stream water.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Interesting, but you didn't draw me into the meaning of the events very well. Part of this is because the POV isn't entirely clear. While it seems that much of the narrative is intended to illustrate the mindset and attitudes of "the hunter", you clearly lapse into objective with "he withdrew a few small pellets from a slender pouch fastened to his sleeve." The opening line and some other phrases also don't seem to jibe with the POV of the rest. They could indicate the hunter's [presumed] humanity leaking through his facade, but they don't really seem like that (the identification of the carrier as a twelve-year-old comes without any hint of human emotion, for instance).
Another problem is that while "the hunter" technically serves as sufficient identifier of this character for the time being, I don't feel fully comfortable with leaving the identification at that for the rest of the story, nor do I sense any strong reason for not having a proper name as a character ID in this case.
Overall I found myself somewhat interested but not eager to continue reading because of these points. Even though the prose is actually very smooth, I found myself with little interest in this character or his actions. Mainly this opening seems to rely on the largely intellectual curiosity about what kind of disease or parasite could justify this treatment of a child who carried it. Since many people treat children in just this manner for no particular reason at all other than race/religion/sex/etc, it wasn't even a very pressing curiosity.
posted
Funny, I read this and thought it was about smugglers that implant things in "carriers" that then need to be removed, at the cost of the carrier's life.
Now, I'm curious because I don't know what exactly was meant.
Too I would like to add the the sentences are overtly long. IMO, the opening sentences should be shorter, and then once momentum is built, you can transition to longer sentences.
Once I was able to visualize it, it seemed like an interesting seen though...
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