posted
After another round of advice, I have gone and radically changed my style of writing. Of course, I do this pretty much every month -- sadly, my writing used to suck so much ^^. But now it's all better, right?
If not, tell me! I have no where to go but up!
This is the start to a fantasy novel. I would appreciate knowing if it is compelling, if it grabs you, if it creates empathy. And I'd appreciate knowing whatever other thoughts you have ^.
quote: For several seconds upon awakening, May was sure that she had recovered from the plague. All pain was gone. None of the sourness in her throat remained. In fact, if she wanted to, she could spring out of bed and dance -- she was healthy again. She would live!
But then she realized the truth. The pain hadn't vanished; rather, it had become so overwhelming that it was impossible to focus on. The sourness in her throat was still there. And no, she didn't have the strength to leap out of bed. She probably didn't even have the strength to lift her head.
Determined to prove herself wrong, May concentrated with all her strength and slowly dragged her head an inch above the pillow. She managed a quick smile of victory before her head snapped back down. With its impact, nausea filled her and a liquid started leaking out her mouth.
Was it blood or something else? May tried to see, but couldn't. Disgusted at her incompetence, she tried to spit it out. However, hard as she tried, she couldn't remove it all. She tried lifting her arms to wipe it off, but there was no strength.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited November 04, 2004).]
posted
Wow!! Now THERE'S an interesting premise! A character far gone to the plague? I sure hope you have magic in this fantasy! It immediately fascinated me if only to wonder where in the heck such a character could go in a story!!
She also had my empathy and sympathy up to the last few sentences, where the "ick" factor took over. Ewww... If that's what you were trying for, you succeeded. *g*
One thing that was missing for me was a sense of when and where. I have to wonder, if this is modern times, why May wasn't treated in a hospital. If it is more of a midieval setting, I need some clues. Perhaps you could mention the mattress is made of rushes, and describe a crude pillow of course goose feathers (assuming she's poor)? She might briefly glance about the room and see a richly appointed room with tapestries, etc (assuming she's wealthy). This would help me to have more of a sense of who she is, when and where.
I am definitely intrigued, though! When you get ready for readers, I would love to number among them.
Also--and this might seem really weird, but hear me out--you may want to reconsider using standard time units. It really depends on your setting. Maybe everybody carries pocketwatches or has grandfather clocks in their homes. But in a generally medieval setting (allowing for fantasy anachronisms & incongruent technologies) most folks may not have timepieces, which means they will not perceive time as happening in seconds or minutes. That means using these terms in your narration is out of place. Your characters might have an idea of the passing of the hours if there is a village bell rung based what a sundial says (only during the day, of course) or based on one of the few timepieces around. I have come up against this in my own writing, and to see such a modern term for measuring time ruins my sense of being in a deep, fantastical past.
It seems odd to me that she would think in terms of proving herself wrong. Maybe it is again the modernity of the expression. Maybe something along the lines that she cannot believe she is not better.
Also, incompetence is a lack of skill, not a lack of strength or will.
Finally, since this is a novel, consider taking a little more time and care introducing the setting. As shadowynd pointed out, it's impossible to know where we are or when (though the plague would indicate the past). Instead of using such modern expressions to describe what's happening to her, take your time and use language appropriate to your character and setting. A fantasy novel is the place to do that (Tolkien being the perfect example). Describe how she feels in her lingo, her expressions.
posted
Thus far, the writing works for me. As for time units, hourglasses and sundials are basic enough that minutes and hours fit into pretty much any milieu. Seconds as a precise unit of time wouldn't be likely, but as a concept they're fine. The term itself comes from the fact that it is a "second order" division of a minute, which is a division of an hour ("minute" meaning "a small portion"), and this usage dates back to medival times.
As for usage, such terms enter the language ahead of themselves. We all talk about things taking "microseconds" and "nanoseconds" when very few of us carry about instruments which could accurately measure such units.
Still, since violating the logic of a pre-modern setting has been one of the major difficulties you've had with this work, that is the kind of thing you about which you need to be particularly careful.
I had a bit more trouble with the first bit of the second paragraph.
quote:But then she realized the truth. The pain hadn't vanished; rather, it had become so overwhelming that it was impossible to focus on.
To save a bit of bandwidth, I'll just give a sample rewrite of this.
quote:SAMPLE Oddly, she felt no elation at the thought. Instead of vigor, there was a drifting sense of lassitude. It wasn't that she felt no pain, it was that she no longer felt anything at allSAMPLE
This sample addresses a POV plausibility issue more than anything else. Your wording was probably fine, but it said something that didn't make a lot of sense to me.
The third paragraph is okay for intent, but the wording doesn't work. "Determined" seems inappropriate to the mood, "desperate" or "struggling" would seem a more appropriate choice. The phrase "dragged her head an inch above the pillow" is awkward and a bit external to May's POV. Her "quick smile" seems either badly phrased ("brief" or "wan" rather than "quick") or somewhat implausible ("grimace" rather than "smile"). And it seems both poorly worded and unrealistic to say her head "snapped" back down. Her head "dropped", it didn't "snap". The wording is bad in "liquid started leaking out her mouth." The vocabulary sounds wrong, the phrasing is awkward, and "out her mouth" didn't work right.
Anyway, this is probably well overboard by now. The point is that MB is essentially correct that the language doesn't feel right for the character and milieu. Even so, the diction and POV are both quite good. The writing itself works even though it doesn't really speak from a pre-modern setting. As I would understand the term, this "style of writing" works for you, and I think that with some tweaking of the narrative voice it will work well for this story as well.
posted
Great beginning. I wonder what this person could possibly accomplish, or what got them in their predicament in the first place. however, I do have a bit of a problem with the change between the first and second paragraph. The sensations that you describe in the first paragraph seem a bit too contrary to the sensations of the second paragraph. It would seem that, at least in speculation, the character would wonder if the same pains and discomforts still existed. However, to portray a sense of having actually felt all of those things tends to mar the realism of the moment. Also, where is she?
I am, however, interested in knowing what happens next to this person. I would love to read whatever else you have.
quote:With its impact, nausea filled her and a liquid started leaking out her mouth.
My immediate thought was, what was this liquid? Why wasn't it specified. Then I got to the next line: "Was it blood or something else?" That answered it, but the amount of space between the question and the answer made it slightly annoying to me. Consider bumping the next paragraph up onto the end of the one I quoted.
quote:But then she realized the truth. The pain hadn't vanished; rather, it had become so overwhelming that it was impossible to focus on.
Hmm, I can't quite make myself believe this. I think, unless she's gone in shock or an altered state of consciousness, in which case I don't quite belief the first paragraph, or is on medication, I'm not sure pain can be so overwhelming that it's possible to be unaware of it. I'd think it's all you end up focusing on.
I liked the bit I read when you sent it out before. But I do think more emotion is showing through here.
Survivor: Your sample is sooo different from my style! I like your writing ^^. Too bad you never share much of it with us.
cicerocat: I usually don't answer specific points on anything I write, but the truth is that pain can be that level of overwhelming -- I myself have gone through moments of it.
(Of course, the worst bit is afterwards, because for several seconds its almost unnoticable, then it blasts ya.)
posted
I'll back you on the point that pain can be so overwhelming that something shuts off and you don't notice it, but that particular line is rather difficult. For one thing, you can focus on the pain, which is exactly what happens once May realizes the truth.
So while I back the intent of that line, the literal parsing comes out to something rather different from your intent, I think.
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