[This message has been edited by Castaway (edited November 09, 2004).]

I had to reread this a few times to understand what you're getting at, and I think part of my problem is in dealing with what I interpret as a choppy sentence structure.

The first paragraph, for example:

Bowthon ran his hands over the crystal orb. THIS SENTENCE IS GRAMATICALLY FINE. I LIKE THE SIMPLE STATEMENT OF WHAT HE’S DOING AS A START. He relished the pulse of energy it sent through his body, the red rush of power. THE WAY YOU TACKED ON "THE RED RUSH OF POWER FEELS DISJOINTED TO ME - YOU COMPLETED THE THOUGHT OF THE SENTENCE IN THE MAIN PART BEFORE THE COMMA. THE ADDITIONAL DESCRIPTION NOT ONLY INTERUPTS THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT, BUT IT MAKE ME THINK YOU FELT UNSATISFIED WITH THE DESCRIPTION BEFORE THE COMMA, SO DECIDED TO DO A QUICK ADDITION TO MAKE UP FOR IT. I'D RATHER SEE YOU REWORD THE MAIN BODY OF THE SENTENCE. IF YOU LIKE “RED RUSH OF POWER,” WHY NOT REPLACE “PULSE OF ENERGY” WITH IT AND SKIP THE COMMA THING? He felt the connection across time and matter and breathed deeply as the images from within his psychic core, manifested themselves. I HOPE THE COMMA AFTER THE WORD CORE WAS A TYPO, BECAUSE THE SENTENCE WORKS BETTER WITHOUT IT. I LIKE THE OVERALL FLOW OF THIS SENTENCE, BUT I STUMBLED ON THE WORD “MATTER.” I DON’T KNOW IF MENTION OF THE WORD “MATTER” WILL BE IMPORTANT IN YOUR STORY, BUT WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ELSE YET I CAN’T MAKE A MENTAL PICTURE THAT FITS THE WORD IN THIS CONTEXT. EITHER USE JUST “TIME” OR COME UP WITH ANOTHER WORD TO REPRESENT THE CONCEPT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR – MAYBE DISTANCE (INCLUDES TIME AND GEOGRAPHY?) A powerful medium, he could connect with any place or creature in the outside world and project his vision in three-dimensional images on the liquid crystal walls of his domed sanctum. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MAY WANT TO INTRODUCE THE TERM “POWERFUL MEDIUM FOR A REASON I CAN’T DERIVE FROM THIS SHORT SAMPLE, BUT I THINK STARTING WITH THE TERM IN THIS FASHION AGAIN CHOPS THE SENTENCE. START THE SENTENCE WITH “HE” AND CREATE ANOTHER SENTENCE TO GIVE US INFORMATION WHY IT’S IMPORTANT HE’S A POWERFUL MEDIUM – INTRODUCE THIS CONCEPT IN ITS OWN SENTENCE AND DEVELOP IT.

In less detail, the rest of the piece:
“I will see the day when I don’t need them.” This one might be just me, but on first reading I though you were talking about the talons, not the brothers.

Again, I may be slow as a reader the first time through, but when I read the second to last sentence, about the images on the wall beside him, I was confused as to why they were on the wall and not in the orb. I think this is because the orb image was stronger in the first paragraph than the mention of his "domed sanctum."

Bottom line is that a reader doesn't want to reread two or three times to get your meaning and maybe see the picture you have in mind. It has to flow easily to create the effect you're after. It has to seem effortless, which requires much effort on the part of the writer.

Good luck

Hi, it's me again. I reread my post above and didn't like it. I'm still new at this workshop, so forgive me.

I like the image I see you portraying here. I have to correct why I think I didn't get it all on my first reading. I tend to overwork my own writing - get carried away with rewriting and consequently spend too much energy that could be better used elsewhere. I'm afraid I did it to you're work without meaning to.

I want to try another experiment and see what you think. This took me all of a few seconds to do, and it helps me look at my own writing differently. I pasted your passage to a word document and rearranges the sentences without altering them.

How different do you think this reads?

Bowthon ran his hands over the crystal orb. A powerful medium, he could connect with any place or creature in the outside world and project his vision in three-dimensional images on the liquid crystal walls of his domed sanctum. He felt the connection across time and matter and breathed deeply as the images from within his psychic core, manifested themselves. He relished the pulse of energy it sent through his body, the red rush of power. He closed his eyes and drew his brothers into the phantasm. Their images oozed into formation on the wall beside him.

“Aaaaagh! If I could just….,” he said clenching his fists, his talons lacerating his withered flesh. “I will see the day when I don’t need them.”

“What is it Bowthorn,” said Zarborg, suspicious as usual.