posted
" I'm feeling empty. " " Here, let me turn off the flourescent lights at least. " " I'm feeling heavy. " " I'll be back tommorow. "
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I needed a break so I left my great state to find a new life with my sister. We were always really close so she didn't seem offended when I asked her if I could get away from my life and live with her until whenever. She lives alone so I guess my company wouldn't hurt her too much.
My car rolled into her development and eventually her townhouse at an unexpected time. The door was locked but I could tell she was home because her engine was ticking and hissing when I walked past it. After a few minutes of knocking and ringing, I went around back and went in an unlocked window. The place seemed too quiet for someone to even be sleeping. I ran upstairs to the bathroom where the door was locked, the light was on and no one was answering. I didn't bother trying to pick the lock. The door was knocked down in a matter of seconds.
[This message has been edited by reazwoz (edited November 09, 2004).]
posted
Biggest problem, I have no buildup of tension that makes me believe that your narrator is becoming worried. All of a sudden he's banging the door down. Where did that come from?
So the engine is on. So what? Maybe she trotted over to the dumpster to dump her trash? Maybe she ran over to the mailboxes to get her mail? Maybe she stepped into a neighbor's house for second?
Then when he gets inside he doesn't call her name? What is it that makes him run up the stairs? Does he hear something? Smell something? Why does he go directly to the bathroom? How does he know the light in the bathroom is on? Does he knock? Does he call her name?
You've missed a dandy opportunity to use action and dialogue to make this a much tenser scene.
posted
Aye, I agree with the above, said by the one-and-only Dee-Jay-Vee! This segment feels cold in that sense. It's told dissapasionatly. I did this, that, killed the man, blew up the world...oh, and had some tea. The tea was good.
posted
I'm a very cold writer. It plagues me. How about this? I just did this quick.
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My car rolled into her development and eventually her townhouse at an unexpected time. The streetlights weren't on even though the sun had set hours ago, I guess they weren't programmed for daylight savings. The door was locked but I could tell she was home because her engine was ticking and hissing when I walked past it. The only light came from a second story window. After a few seconds of knocking and ringing, I went around back behind the complex and climbed through her unlocked kitchen window. The place seemed too quiet for someone to even be sleeping. A wave of paranoid anxiety ran from toes to my mouth where the words "Didi? Are you home?" squeaked out. Not really expecting an answer, I yelled "Didi!?" but still no answer came. I ran upstairs to the bathroom where the door was locked and the light from around the edges was glowing. No one was answering as I thrashed at it yelling "Didi?! Are you in there?!" only getting a response from the exhaust fan. I didn't bother trying to pick the lock because I knew something was seriously wrong. Water spashed the walls from the puddles in the carpet as I backed up quickly from the door. I lunged forward and kicked the door clear off the hinges.
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I like you guys.
[This message has been edited by reazwoz (edited November 09, 2004).]
posted
The thing is that you are summarize things; you are saying them quickly and not really pushing us into it. The part that you do this in the excerpt is bolded:
My car rolled into her development and eventually her townhouse at an unexpected time. The streetlights weren't on even though the sun had set hours ago, I guess they weren't programmed for daylight savings. The door was locked but I could tell she was home because her engine was ticking and hissing when I walked past it. The only light came from a second story window. After a few seconds of knocking and ringing, I went around back behind the complex and climbed through her unlocked kitchen window. The place seemed too quiet for someone to even be sleeping. A wave of paranoid anxiety ran from toes to my mouth where the words "Didi? Are you home?" squeaked out. Not really expecting an answer, I yelled "Didi!?" but still no answer came. I ran upstairs to the bathroom where the door was locked and the light from around the edges was glowing. No one was answering as I thrashed at it yelling "Didi?! Are you in there?!" only getting a response from the exhaust fan. I didn't bother trying to pick the lock because I knew something was seriously wrong. Water spashed the walls from the puddles in the carpet as I backed up quickly from the door. I lunged forward and kicked the door clear off the hinges.
Notice that that section is much slower than the other bits. It describes what he does. It does not summarize; it shows. Then you go to telling mode.
"I ran upstairs to the bathroom"
This is much faster.
Try slowing down with, perhaps...
SampleI scurried for the steps, and stomped up them, not letting my feet rest for the merest moment, but rather throwing them forward in a frenzy. Sweat was pouring out my glands; I quickly wiped my face off just as I reached the top of the stairs.
This may or may not be effective writing. What it shows, however, is that you can write slow and create empathy, or fast and cover tons of ground quickly.
posted
I know what you mean... I can only post so much on here you know. I could probably write thirteen lines about running up the stairs but I wouldn't really be advancing the reader in any way. I suppose it's not my style to break things down into Hawkthorne detail but then again I'm not a writer.
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Also it seems hard for me to push so much detail into this scene when really it isn't even heavily related to the rest of the story. In short... he finds his sister passed out in the bathtub ODed and half-drown, takes her to the hospital... lives there for a week.. becomes obsessive compulsive with the lights etc. i actually took out the text after the original dialogue to conserve space and basically give you the part i needed help with the most.
[This message has been edited by reazwoz (edited November 09, 2004).]
posted
That's the thing. By describing a pitiful situation, you wiil create empathy. Empathy does not come from flat-out statements; it comes from painting an image of the scene in the readers' mind.
posted
I can't claim to be an experienced writer by any stretch of the imagination, but it doesn't seem to me that adding more description will do anything for this piece unless the description focuses on how you bring your protagonist through the stages between casually dropping in on his sister at a rude hour and panic over her safety.
I think you need to develop and/or weed every sentence with attention to your protagonist's point of view - his expectations entering the scene and how the things he perceives increasingly alarm him.
For example, this is how I read the first few lines:
My car rolled into her development and eventually her townhouse at an unexpected time. OK, WE HAVE A RATHER CALLOUS PROTAGONIST HERE. The streetlights weren't on even though the sun had set hours ago, I guess they weren't programmed for daylight savings. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING, EXEPT TO REINFORCE A DISJOINTED FEEL. IF MOOD IS WHAT YOU'RE AFTER, I'D RATHER NOT SEE HIM REASON IT AWAY WITH THE SAYLIGHT SAVINGS THEORY. LET ME THINK THE ELECTRICITY IS FAULTY. The door was locked but I could tell she was home because her engine was ticking and hissing when I walked past it. OK, THIS SETS ME UP WITH THE INFORMATION THAT SHE IS DEFINITELY HOME. IS HE GRATEFUL TO KNOW THAT HE WON'T BE INTERUPTING HER SLEEP AT LEAST? The only light came from a second story window. I WONDER IF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MENTIONED WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT THE STREET LIGHTS. NO STREET LIGHTS, BUT AT LEAST THE APARTMENT HAS ELECTRICITY, AND THE LIGHT LETS HIM SEE WHERE HE'S GOING. After a few seconds of knocking and ringing, I went around back behind the complex and climbed through her unlocked kitchen window. HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT THE KNOCKING AND RINGING? IS HE ANGRY SHE WON'T ANSWER, FRUSTRATED? HAS THE THOUGHT CROSSED HIS MIND YET THAT SOMETHING MAY BE WRONG? The place seemed too quiet for someone to even be sleeping. THIS DIDN'T WORK FOR ME. MY PLACE IS MOST QUIET WHEN EVERYBODY IS SLEEPING.
The next sentence after the above starts with "a wave of paranoid anxiety" that I don't feel you have properly prepared your protagonist to experience.
posted
Well, maybe you're starting in the wrong place - it sounds like the story really starts with the discovery of the sister, and all this stuff about arriving and racing up the stairs is just filler.
Try starting with him standing over the bathtub. I bet you can write that part in a ton of detail and make it really interesting.
That, right there. That's the crux of it. Your narrator has no feelings. You're writing stage direction without telling us the thoughts and feelings going through his mind. That's ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL for writing in first person. That's kinda the whole POINT of writing in first person. I'll do something I don't often do, but see the need for here. I'll rewrite a couple of lines for you to compare/contrast.
original:
quote:The streetlights weren't on even though the sun had set hours ago, I guess they weren't programmed for daylight savings. The door was locked but I could tell she was home because her engine was ticking and hissing when I walked past it.
Changed to:
quote:It seemed odd that the streetlights weren't on. For a second I thought there must have been another blackout, but as I pulled into her complex I could see squares of light from dozens of windows. I pulled into the space next to her car and got out. I had already gotten my bags out of the trunk before I realized her engine was running, ticking and hissing like a (supply your own simile here). "Didi?" I called. No answer.
Now, mind you, that's just an example, because I also tend to think that Tess is right, that the business about the streetlights ought to be important if you're going to keep it, which means either cutting it or emphasizing it a bit more.
posted
Everyone above has made some good points; I'd like to suggest something entirely different. Delete the entire first paragraph. Let the reader pick up the context of the character's actions by showing what he's doing. Also, we don't know what he needed a break from. Did he lose a job? Break up with somebody? Get evicted? Why is he there? The point at which the character realizes he needs to do something to change his life is often an appropriate place to begin for a character-driven story.
Alternatively, you could start the story with the character in the hospital and offer the back story in little flashback vignettes (rather than doing it all at once).
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