posted
1st 13 of a short story I'm currently working on, and have been in various forms, settings, and drafts for quite some time. Title: "Portrait of a Half-Lady." I'm not looking for readers, at least not yet, since the story is far from finished. We'll call it literary fiction for lack of a better term. # There was a new guy in the apartment downstairs. The apartment beneath her had been empty for the last six months, probably longer, and Andrea wasn’t happy to see that change. This new neighbor, this intruder, would destroy the comfortable world that Andrea had created. He would invade her privacy and destroy her peaceful life.
And he would see her.
When she first heard him bumping around down there, a feeling of dread came over Andrea. It was only a matter of time before they would come face-to-face, and he would see her. If he was like everybody else who had seen her in the last six months, he would pretend not to notice her ugliness, but inside he would be repulsed by her. That was the way it always went. # Have at it.
posted
this feels quite reused... uhm... it sounds ala Homebody, by OSC
i hope you plan on taking a different angle or approach? anyways, as for the critique of the lines themselves...
quote:come face-to-face, and he would see her.
there were other parts like this, but i think this example points it out rather well. why are you repeating yourself?
that's really the only things that really stood out to me... good luck on the story
EDIT: oh, and i must say, it really wasn't that interesting, i can't really say why... guess i just saw the reference to feeling someone bumping around making me feel as though the character == the house == homebody recycle, i just kinda turned off after that...
[This message has been edited by dpatridge (edited November 14, 2004).]
posted
There's a bit of a problem with advertising anything as "literary" fiction for purposes of this particular forum.
First off, most of us don't read "literary" fiction because it is interesting, people tend to read it because they've been told they should. Secondly, structure and theme usually don't show up in the first thirteen, and if they do then the story probably isn't literary enough. Thirdly, anything can be put into your first thirteen for "literary" effect, like using an unreferanced pronoun for the first mention of the POV character (which is normally a no-no). The same is true of the somewhat repetitive harping on goofy angsts and so forth.
So when you say it is literary fiction, do you mean that you're going to be submitting this as a "credentialed" text to a "literary" publisher (or non-publisher), someone that is obligated to read the entire thing and accept it if certain guidelines have been followed correctly? Or do you mean that it is fiction that you feel has literary merit?
posted
Sorry about my vagueness. What I meant by "literary fiction" was actually not "esoteric, vague, pretentious fiction," as the term is often used. At least I hope my story isn't esoteric, vague, and pretentious. I guess maybe I meant "contemporary fiction." I don't know, whatever you want to call it. I just meant it's not sf or horror or anything. Present day setting, no magic or weird science (I would never put that movie in my story ) or anything else like that. Just "normal stuff," meant for a popular audience, not an obscure audience of University professors and literary critics.
Hope that clarifies things.
It's been a while since I read "Homebody" Mr. Patridge, but trust me, this story is NOTHING like that one. What exactly made you think of it?
Survivor, this is actually a rewrite of a story that I think you critiqued for me a long time ago, several versions later. Hopefully, I've finally found the setting that will work. I think I have.
You think this has "repetetive harping of goofy angsts?"
quote: When she first heard him bumping around down there, a feeling of dread came over Andrea. It was only a matter of time before they would come face-to-face, and he would see her. If he was like everybody else who had seen her in the last six months, he would pretend not to notice her ugliness, but inside he would be repulsed by her. That was the way it always went.
Quote: When she first heard him bumping around down there, a feeling of dread came over Andrea.
This line drew me out of the character; perhaps it tells a little too much?
Quote: It was only a matter of time before they would come face-to-face, and he would see her.
This line made me wince. Why the repetition? Very distracting and disorienting -- not what I need at such a formative stage of the reading experience!
The rest I can not judge, to be honest. For after that shock of repetition, I was completely launched out of the text like a passenger ejected from a car in one of those spy movies.
I haven't been spending much time in F&F lately because my life has been so busy, but when I skimmed the subjects and so this one I decided to duck in and see what you've done with this story. I should mention for those who don't know that I'm entirely biased because I've read this story twice before (in different settings) and so if for no other reason than in both I saw great potential I am intrigued to see what will happen.
Now, let's talk about some hatrack river biases. First of all, it seems to me fhat if the opening does not jump down the reader's throat around here, they find it uninteresting. A short story does need to get off to a fast start, but sometimes you need to allow that an opening is just good enough to give it another page or two and look for your big hook there. I call it a baby hook...it usually consists of an emotional situation that the protagonist is involved in that ought to generate sympathy not because it's outrageous or different (as most scifi and fantasy readers tend to expect) but because it's inherently sympathetic.
I did not quite understand what how too much information was being revealed by the line about him bumping around downstairs bringing a feel of dread. This is one of those situations in critiquing where the next logical step is to tell the author what, exactly, it told you? An author has no means to say if the sentence is "too telling" unless he knows that information. Perhaps he meant you to know at that point that Andrea was ugly, if that's what it told you.
And finally, my biggest pet peeve of all, the "this reminds me of this." Everything will remind you of something else if you look for it. Unless there are clear, overwhelming, and inescapable similarities between two stories I hesitate to mention them. *Especially* in an opening thirteen. An opening is *supposed* to be a little familiar so you can sympathize, or otherwise outright strange so you can be intrigued.
That said, I did find the opening to be a bit repetitive.
BTW...I think main stream is the genre you were looking for as opposed to literary.
posted
I think this is eminently readable and well-written, but I have a few things I'd like to mention.
How does Andrea know the person below is a man? You, the writer, know, of course, but how would she?
Six months is not a very long time to go without neighbors. She had neighbors below a short six months ago, and now her world is ruined because of a new one? It doesn't follow. Was her world ruined before, because of the previous tenants? I already get the feeling there's something very odd about Andrea, but this seems a little overreactive.
What is the difference between a feeling of dread and just... dread? All you need is dread (there's a song in that, somewhere).
Unlike the others who have commented about repetition, I think it's fine to say he would see her after saying they would come face-to-face. This phrase of "they would see her" already has talismanic overtones because of how you used it in its own paragraph. Andrea uses it like a negative mantra. I'm fine with that. What I don't like is the phrase "face-to-face." I would prefer to say they would meet or suddenly find themselves in the elevator together, or some other such thing.
By your title, you are suggesting this story alludes to Portrait of a Lady, by Henry James. I haven't read it, so if my suggestions contradict your allusions to James' story, now you know why. If this story does not allude to James', then you had better change the title to something else, because everyone who has read Portrait of a Lady will assume you are alluding to it. Extremely well-read lit-crit types are more sensitive to this sort of thing than mainstream readers, but even a great many mainstream readers have at least heard of Portrait, and will assume a connection.
Again, I think it's written well. It was a pleasure to read.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 14, 2004).]
posted
I like this and I'd like to read it when it's done.
This could be shown instead of told: Andrea wasn’t happy to see that change. Additionally, "wasn't happy" sounds a lot lighter than the later "dread" she's feeling; it seems inconsistent.
Several people have pointed this line out: a feeling of dread came over Andrea. and it doesn't work for me, either.
I assumed the neighbor downstairs was a man, too; probably because if I was terrified of being seen because of my ugliness, a man would be more threatening.
She's been ugly for 6 months and the apartment has been vacant for 6 months - is there a connection there?
There are questions raised which don't get answered because Andrea is going around recycling her central anxiety that someone will see her and feel repulsed. That makes her angst seem a bit annoying, we would prefer to get something more specific or interesting out of her.
If this isn't "literary", then the unreferenced pronoun and all the vaporing have to go. I'd guess that there's an intersting setup here, but the intro as it stands isn't pulling me in (though it does make me curious when you say I might have read some version of this story already--but I should resist reading it just to find out whether I've read a version of it before, that isn't the proper frame of mind in which to give a good reading).
posted
If you've rewritten this in "various forms, settings, and drafts" you must have a fairly well developed story by now. When you're ready for readers I would like to look.
I agree with Christine, "main stream" is a nice label. I didn't realize such hostility towards literary fiction existed in this forum! I'll be more careful with my use of the term from now on. Personally, I'm glad to see something other than Scifi and fantasy, even if that is the focus here.
This concept of posting the first thirteen lines is still new to me. It's not enough to accomplish much and I'm not sure what to make of some of the postings I've read.
Your posting suggests a character who is very insecure, possibly disturbed. The repetition many complain about reinforces this.
posted
I have to agree that the only flaw I could spot was the repitition that others have already pointed out. Otherwise, I felt it was fine and I would need to read more to evaluate any deeper than that. As Christine says, it has potential.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
|
posted
Tess, the limitation of only the first thirteen lines is so that we retain all rights to our work. If we expect to get published (and I, for one, certainly do), then we must not post enough of the work online for it to be considered electronic publication. Quoting for purposes of review is legally acceptable.
Since the first thirteen lines are the most important, we can and do accomplish quite a lot within the limitations. You are welcome to request the author email the entire story to you if you wish to read or critique the whole thing.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
) or anything else like that. Just "normal stuff," meant for a popular audience, not an obscure audience of University professors and literary critics.
