posted
I rewrked the first 13 lines of a story I posted earlier. The advice about the overuse of adjectives was very helpful. Did I pull it off? Any other advice? Let me know. Here goes:
The winds that drift over land and sea carry with them songs of the trials of man, sung only for those who are able to hear. Solemn is the Listening, for in each song, the heart of the world is spoken. Kinh was one of the few in all the earth to still hear the songs that drifted over the emerald valley stretching beyond his threshold. He sat alone, patiently awaiting each breeze that came in to dance among the lapping flames of his hearth, and mingled his thoughts with the words it carried. Such a breeze, a bitter draft, brushed through his dark, woolen locs. Before it could feed itself to the fire, Kinh needed to hear its song. He raised his hand gently, resting his elbow on the arm of his chair, and moved his outstretched fingers slightly. He closed his eyes and thought with words long forgotten, words that were spoken only by the air of the earth. The breeze danced between his fingers, feeling his filial comfort. It mingled with the contours of his hand, excited with Kinh’s understanding soul, as if it longed to tell its tale. This breeze carried despair and had sought out Kinh’s flame to extinguish itself, taking with it a bit of the anguish of the world. He listened to the tale it told, ardent for the meaning of its intent.
posted
One of the better things I've read here in a while. My only complaint is the sexist use of the word "man" rather than humankind, humanity, the human race, or humans. If you are specifically excluding women from this because of a gender-based division of labor in your story, then what you really mean is "men" plural, not "man" as in outdated, oppressive language.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
There's more, just not a finished work. I am aggressively pounding at it now, and want to be finished soon. The idea has been plaguing me, and has only taken shape recently. Kind of like a virus; the physical symptoms come long after the infection has gotten in. ANyway, if interested, please let me know and I will send the finished work via Yahoo to your e-mail.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote:My only complaint is the sexist use of the word "man" rather than humankind, humanity, the human race, or humans. If you are specifically excluding women from this because of a gender-based division of labor in your story, then what you really mean is "men" plural, not "man" as in outdated, oppressive language.
Ah, MagicBeans. You know I love you, but did you never read 1984? 'Politically correct' language is one of a series of steps toward Newspeak. (Another book I recommend highly that makes some humorously told comments on the idiocy of forcing language change for political reasons is Ella Minnow Pea.) I mean, if you REALLY want to be non-sexist, then humankind doesn't work either. Nor does human. So shouldn't he just use 'bipedal life forms'? Or would that be oppressing non-living things?
ender, I must agree with everyone about the VAST improvement you've made here. While you're still somewhat adjective heavy, it's not overly noticeable, and could easily be chalked up to style, rather than simply iffy writing quality.
The one thing I would caution you on further is your sentence structure. Some of them run on a bit, making me gasp for breath by the end.
quote:He sat alone, patiently awaiting each breeze that came in to dance among the lapping flames of his hearth, and mingled his thoughts with the words it carried.
Prime example. Could be broken up into two sentences, thus making the ideas you want to convey more coherent AND giving you the opportunity to spend a bit more time beautifully telling about how the breeze carries words that mingle with his thoughts. I feel as if you're trying to pile on too much information a bit too quickly.
In order to accomplish what you are trying to do (ie. have a beginning that better draws in the reader with some promise or expectation of conflict) you might be better served to begin this scene with:
quote:He(Kinh) closed his eyes and thought with words long forgotten, words that were spoken only by the air of the earth. The breeze danced between his fingers, feeling his filial comfort. It mingled with the contours of his hand, excited with Kinh’s understanding soul, as if it longed to tell its tale.
Afterward you could simply rearrange the rest of the information, thus including it all, but giving us a person and an action to grasp onto right up front.
I do, also, concur that it needs paragraphs. Big chunks scare me too--especially at the beginning.
Oh, and I'm not really all that thrilled with the use of the present tense in the first two sentences--unless they are more clearly represented as poetry or scripture running through Kinh's thoughts?
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited November 20, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited November 20, 2004).]
posted
The use of man was an oversight - I usually don't do that, but it does give the story a dated authenticity (a possible bit of history?)
Anyway, thank you to those who responded with such resounding support. As I wrote this, I felt different about the story as a whole, and have been able to think aobut it more often as a whole story.
quote:The use of man was an oversight - I usually don't do that, but it does give the story a dated authenticity (a possible bit of history?)
I wouldn't change it to a PC form, unless the character would speak differently (PC). It all depends on the character/narrator and his voice.
Oh, and on the story itself, it has a definite feel or voice to it, a richness of words to it. Which is nice. It also seems a tad unusual--which is good; it stands out from others in its genre. However, the repetition (either directly or indirectly) of wind got a little annoying to me, making me wonder if it some of it could be more concise. And this line "Solemn is the Listening"--it made me wonder if it was a phrase or a typo (on the L) or something else.
Cya, CC
[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited November 23, 2004).]
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