[This message has been edited by Castaway (edited November 26, 2004).]

Second, the first paragraph is WAY too adjective heavy. There are four instances in which you have two adjectives to describe something--narrow wooden door, light brown curl, pale blue eyes, narrow cobbled street. Most of that stuff I don't even need to know.

Of the two paragraphs, as far as characterization, the second is the most interesting. You could probably just eliminate the first paragraph altogether, or move it further into the text. I like the second paragraph because it tells me something about Elise and Jake AND it sets up for the story's conflict. The first paragraph does neither.

Sounds like a good story, though. I look forward to seeing more of it.

I evaluate peoples work for a living and I am always aware of the human element. I may be wrong but this is not a forum for people to puff up their egos by critising but more for encouraging and offering ideas for improvement. If I wish to be shredded I would simply send it to my editor.

To MikeMunsil
Thank you also for your comments and your words of encouragements. I do appreciate them.

This is a forum to give feedback on fragments or to ask for full stories. It is not to stroke egos, like you said. It is for honesty, for brutual truth, and if the reviewer feels like being extra-nice, a few compliments.

In fact, she did give you several compliments. Her review is the epitome of a usful posting; it may not be perfect, but what is?

a) No comma after "Ervine."
b) As a story opener, this is fairly passive. But that can be redressed later; no tension so far, but some shall arrive soon to compel the reader on. Hopefully.

Quote: A light brown curl separated from the twist on top of her head and tumbled down between her pale blue eyes

a) This is absurd character description. Not only that, it is blatant. Almost as bad as: "Elise Ervine looked in the mirror, taking in her light brown hair and pale blue eyes."
b) At this point in the story, where no tension exists, no mystery, we, the readers, are not ready for such side-tours. We need a reason to read, the sooner the better. The more compelling, the better. Hair and eyes do not fall into this category.

Quote: She brushed it aside and continued to stare out the window that opened onto a narrow cobbled street.

a) Are you aware that you are using the exact same form as in your first sentence? "narrow wooden door" = "narrow cobbled street"

b) Are you aware that this is as boring for the readers as it is for the character? No, that is not by itself a disqualifing factor. However, this approach is full of danger. And sooner or later, you must give a reason to read!

Quote: It was a very slow day. Most days were slow in the village of Myerstown, but this one was extremely slow.

The second sentence feels awkward. No idea why.

Quote: Elise, an ordinary woman, went to great lengths to ensure that her life remained as ordinary as possible as she had a most extraordinary secret.

Fair enough. I'd advise eliminating the first appositive.

Quote: Jake attended the local school where many of the students called him ‘the nerd’ due to the fact that he passed all exams, did all his homework and never back-answered the teacher

a) This is what we call a PoV shift. You are doing it amazingly rapidly. One second, we sit with her, being bored. The next, we with Jake, being called "the nerd."

It is extremely disorienting and by itself a reason to stop reading.

Quote: To Jake, life was extremely ordinary but unknown to him, and all other humans, an extraordinary set of events were beginning to evolve that would ensure that Jakes life would be nothing less than unbelieveable.

a) Wait a second. I thought it was Elise who had the extraordinary secret?

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As a whole, this piece suffers from an attempt to establish tension through the opposite of tension: slow pace, high amount of vaguness, and little empathy.

On the plus side, you have introduced two characters, a setting (what state, though?), and an initial conflict (secret vs. ordinary) all right away. I think that deserves some praise, but take the criticism seriously.

quote:

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Jake attended the local school where many of the students called him ‘the nerd’ due to the fact that he passed all exams, did all his homework and never back-answered the teacher.

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quote:

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To Jake, life was extremely ordinary but unknown to him, and all other humans, an extraordinary set of events were beginning to evolve that would ensure that Jakes life would be nothing less than unbelieveable. italcs added

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Basically I agree with all the comments on other topics. Particularly the one about sniping back at critiquers (though if you really feel the need to snipe, I hereby give you permission to snipe at me). This is a place to learn. Take what you find useful and be thankful for it. I'll grant you that some critiques can be extremely offensive, and that's not good--ignore them. But Dakota's was not in that category. It was honest, but not insulting. Take advantage of it.

Edit:
Castaway--we cross-posted. That's the correct attitude. If you pay attention to critiques, even when they hurt, I've got no argument with you. And, in fact, my daughter points out that paying attention to the advice is not the same as taking it. Just consider it carefully.

Yowch.

I apologise to djvdakota as I do not put her comments in this category.

I still maintain that valid points can be made both positive and negative without harming creative confidence. There is no need for it.

[This message has been edited by Castaway (edited November 28, 2004).]

quote:

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I walked home. He was screaming. He was my brother. He was born 1957. I was born 1970. The dog? It wasn't born until 1975! Now, isn't that funny?

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My critique would be:

This text really does not make logical sense. We start with "I" walking home. OK. Then we have him screaming. OK. Then we digress into weird flashbacks about dogs.

This really makes no sense. It could be that you are trying too hard to make this literary and such; focus on the future on being clear. It does, however, make me laugh. If that's what you're going for, you've succeeded. Just quickly switch into a more rational mode that makes sense ^^.

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But anyway, I pretty much agree that critiques should not be given to insult.

*shrug*
*is caught in massive verbal knot and delays untangling it until later ^^*

I try VERY hard to give an HONEST, SUPPORTIVE critique, Castaway. Simply the fact that I posted at all means that I felt I could contribute something to help you improve. That's what this forum is for. If you came here for gushing praise--deserved or not--you're in the wrong place. I WOULD be interested in understanding exactly what I said that caused your 'creative confidence' harm. Y

My time is valuable. I'll not waste it on you again.
No hard feelings, but even a stupid dog doesn't touch the shock wire twice.

quote:

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There is something I would like to add about your style of criticism. As I read your comments, images of a dump truck depositing its load on someones doorstep rolled through my mind.

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Castaway, djdvdakota provides insightful, detailed critiques that provide great value. She is not afraid to praise, nor to point out weaknesses. I prefer the latter and appreciate the time she spends doing it.

* Praise encourages, but it rarely teaches.
* Objective, dispasionate critiques teach.
* Negative criticism hurts.

Decide whether you need praise most, or critiques most. Ask people likely to praise to review your work when you need praise. We all need praise from time to time, nothing wrong with that.

Ask people likely to critique to criticize your work when you need teaching. We all need to learn and to continue learning.

Stay away from people who can only provide negative criticism. That does not include dvdjdakota. She's objective.

Learn from this and carry on. You have promise.

Well said, mikemunsil. As an added thought, objective critiques can HURT like bloody hellfire. Especially when your work is bad quality. On the other hand, objective critiques can spark great pleasure when your work is any good.

For this case, I'm going to suggest that you use a new thread to do that, Castaway. Go through this carefully, rewrite it based on your own feelings of what you're trying to accomplish, and post a new thread in which you start off by informing everyone of the genre and length of the piece, as well as how you feel about feedback on the fragment itself and whether you want readers (and for how much, usually you'll do best by offering something less than 20 pages).