posted
This is a Chapter 5, not looking for readers, just opinions on the opening... --------------------------- The break room window spanned floor to ceiling. A story below, automobiles crammed the parking lot. Islands of barren trees intermingled among them. Come spring, they would spout white buds.
A latecomer raced from his car, a light jacket slung over one shoulder. Though winter lurked hours away, the day felt warm, almost spring-like.
Three hours until another headache, I figured. For now, I felt unsteady. For six days that pattern had persisted, lightheadedness, then pain. Minor compared to the day of the funeral. Pills didn’t help. Coffee lessened the punch, if taken ahead of time. Lyn would insist I see a doctor, had I told her.
posted
Your rhythm is too fragmented. I think the sentences are too short. (none of them have more than a ternary rhythm. Over the whole passage, I count 2 ternary sentences, 6 binary sentences - and some of them are back to back and 4 single sentences - again, some of them are back to back). It's quite an annoying effect.
"Three hours until another headache, I figured. For now, I felt unsteady." Two binary sentences back to back.
posted
I actually kind of liked the rhythm. I feel a kind of connection with the character and I don't know anything about him (or her).
A couple of things did throw me.
quote:A story below, automobiles crammed the parking lot. Islands of barren trees intermingled among them. Come spring, they would spout white buds.
This is probably nothing, but I was so fixated on the parking lot image, with all the trees, that for some reason I had the cars bursting into white buds come spring. I know it's probably just me trying to read too fast, but there may be more to it.
Also, the last sentence felt awkward. Part of it is a tense issue: "Lynn would insist...had I told her." I think it should probably be:
Lyn would insist I see a doctor, if I told her.
Lyn would have insisted I see a doctor, had I told her.
Overall, the sentence just doesn't feel right with the pace of the paragraph. The character is talking about how he feels, about the general experience, then all of sudden injects Lyn.
I think Lyn insisting on a doctor's visit is a seperate idea from that paragraph and could stand on its own.
posted
I had a really difficult time figuring out what was being said. I had to read every line two or three times at least.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I had the same cars bursting out into buds image that RH did.
I don't like the first two paragraphs. Parking lot? So what? I didn't have a sense that there was a person looking out over the parking lot and experiencing something and telling us what he saw - just some words about a parking lot.
The third paragraph, though - now i'm wondering what the headache is about, and whose funeral it was, and who Lyn is and why he didn't tell her, and all kinds of stuff. It drew me in in a way the first two paragraphs didn't.
This seems an odd thing to say. Unless the seasons go by LOTS faster than they do here--that might be an interesting touch.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
To help fill in the context of this opening, could you provide a brief synopsis of what has brought us to this point?
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Even if one viewed the rhythm as fragmented, perhaps that fits the mental patterning of a character experiencing the frequent intrusions of intensely painful headaches.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
<To help fill in the context of this opening, could you provide a brief synopsis of what has brought us to this point?>
Is that a rhetorical suggestion for next time? I'm too half-asleep to know the difference...
Just in case I'll take it literally: The protagonist, Scott Landon, was a pallbearer at his grandfather's funeral. Afterwards he visited his twin brother's graveside (who died at birth). While there a man Penn introduced himself and claimed that his grandfather was 100 grand in debt and owed back taxes on his land to boot. His grandfather had an urn, that Penn insist will make all those troubles go away. He "convinces" Scott to retrieve it. During the conversation Scott feels strange prickling in his hand, and becomes dizzy. Later after the funeral, he gets a migrane.
Third person chapters fill in the gaps for readers who miss the subtle clues, Penn has given Scott "ovatic" compounds, given through shaking hands, or everytime Scott happens to touch Penn's business card (which is laced with it). During thier initial encounter, Penn is able to hypnotize Scott with help of these the "ovatic" chemicals.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited December 08, 2004).]
Thanks for posting the synopsis, it does help to understan what is happening to the character. I have never had a migrane, but I've known people who get them. They are debilitating, almost like a minor storke. I have had severe headaches though, and they can be enough to set the world spinning.
This opening sounds a bit fragmented and confused, given the background you have provided, I think it works.
Since I wasn't the only who had visions of flower-covered cars, that part may still need some work, and I still think the "Lyn " line should stand alone. I like the rest, and I like this character.
posted
Unless you really want the reader to know that the parking lot has little plots with trees, I would consider taking out those lines completely. I think the image of the guy running through the parking lot with his jacket in hand instead of on, tells enough.
You may want to establish the first person POV sooner; perhaps by having him comment about looking out the window.
i.e. The break room window spanned floor to ceiling. As I looked out, I could see the parking lot below crammed with automobiles. Islands of barren trees intermingled among them. A latecomer raced from his car, a light jacket slung over one shoulder.
Though winter lurked hours away, the day felt warm, almost spring-like.
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Winter has more or less arrived, but during the day it is still nice. Once darkness falls , though, look out -- the temperature will drop about 15ºC (not sure what that is in Farenheit, probably 30º or so).
I live in Calgary and up until last week we were experiencing weather like this: 5ºC during the day, -10ºC overnight. Then winter hit in full force. It has been snowing off and on for about five days now and we are struggling to stay above -15ºC, even during the day.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited December 08, 2004).]
posted
In Richmond, Virginia (which uncreativly is where I set the protagonist) it was near 70F yesterday. That was a bit unusual, but sometimes there can be warm spells on rare occasions.
I was attempting to think of a creative way of saying: Today is the last day of fall.
posted
That may need a little work then, because, while I got a sense of the time of year, I didn't really make the leap that this is December 20.
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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