posted
The primitive led Abillus into a dark alleyway. Grime and litter coated the ground. He made sure not to touch anything.
Abillus’s phone began to pulsate in his jacket pocket. _Not now_. He had to answer. Duty called, as primitives said.
“I’m getting a call,” Abillus said. “I have to get this.”
“Suit yourself, yuppy.” The primitive leaned against the dirty wall, thumbs hanging from his pockets. Abillus opened the phone and put it to his ear.
“What is it, sis?”
“Where are you?” Prima asked.
“On a 747 bound for Italy,” Abillus said. “Somewhere out over the Atlantic.” Planning your husband’s death, he wanted to say. -------------------------------------------------- My worries are primarily with the flashback embedded in the middle of the chapter.
Basically the Abillus thread of the story has three interrelated flashbacks. Why flashbacks? The events occur 1600 years previous. The story would not flow right by starting back then. Abillus is a main character, but not THE main character.
But it's not the fact of flashback in itself, I worry it may be too much info for a reader. There are names thrown around, integral to the plot to be sure, but I don't know if it drowns the reader.
This segment is 938 words.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited December 09, 2004).]
quote:“On a 747 bound for Italy,” Abillus said. “Somewhere out over the Atlantic.”
This strikes me as an unusually stupid lie. If these people have even a little technical expertise in their little society, they could definitely find him out. Heck, even if there's a carhorn or something like that, he might as well say what he wants.
posted
<This strikes me as an unusually stupid lie. If these people have even a little technical expertise in their little society, they could definitely find him out. Heck, even if there's a carhorn or something like that, he might as well say what he wants.>
They do have a private mobile phone network. But they have other concerns then tracing calls made to each other.
Hmmm. I guess a carhorn would be a giveaway.
Then again, that's why he thinks, 'not now'. Perhaps he takes a look around and a risk. Plus I'm sure he'd trust his own sister not to triangule his position.
posted
I like the feel if this passage, but the first few lines threw me off. In the first sentence the primitive leads Abillus into the alley, and when you start the third sentence with 'he' there is a brief moment of confusion over which 'he' you are referring to with this pronoun. Seeing as how the primitive is the subject of the first sentence I would expect that to be the 'he' you are referring to in the third, except you are referring to the object of the first sentence instead -- Abillus.
The other thing that bothers me is your use of primitive. From the informal language of your narrator I would not expect him to use this word. I'm sure his social class has a slang word for the primitives (maybe prime - short for primate). His use of a slang term to describe his guide would fit better with his speech/thought patterns. Primitive is just too long a word here to be used as slang.
posted
I agree with the the two previous comments.
Why give such an obvious lie, especially if he is talking to his sister? Why not tell her he is outside the airport or something similiar that isn't as false? Unless Albius is supposed to be that ineffective at lying?
The use of the word primitive bothered me also. It just seemed stilted and forced. Perhaps another slang term could be more effective. Think of the terms used by soldiers when they are sent overseas for the indigenous peoples. They are almost always very descriptive and often taken from the indigenous culture. Just a thought.
posted
Who would have to triangulate? You aren't allowed to use phones on airplanes. Why would he take the risk? If you are going to lie you might as well do it properly.
posted
Some aircraft do have special equipment to allow cell-phones to be used in flight. It's becoming more common, and in the future might be standard, but it is also even easier to trace these calls than to trace regular cell phone calls.
In any case, I'm pretty sure that anyone that so much as looked at his phone bill would realize he hadn't made that call from where he claimed.
posted
Then anyone that was in charge of keeping their closed private network operating would know that he made that call from somewhere he shouldn't have been. And don't say that it runs without any supervision, that would just be stupid.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
The word primitive evoked the image of a someone who liked to hear himself speak. I have encountered several self appointed mental elites who would use a word like primitive with relish and inference. I would not have him use the word lightly, but rather in way that shows he finds the term both witty and insulting.
Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Oh really? Then I suppose that it's okay that he's grossly overestimating his ability to beat the system here. But there should probably be plot complications later on as a result.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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