posted
Hello all. I'm new to your arena, but i've been reading through your posts for a few days, and I thought I might submit something for your perusal. It's 17 lines, a bit longer than the 13 norm, but I thought I'd lay it out for you as an introduction and see what you thought. Mind you, it's only the beginning of a short story I'm working on while I wait for the first draft of the novel I just finished to flitter out of my head so that I can come back fresh in a month or so, and the style is different than my normal stuff, but..oh well, here:
Sundays are for sleeping. Every other day of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc., those are for working, making the bread you need to get by on, the money for rent and food and movies and beer. Saturday is for working sometimes as well, but you don’t usually get paid for that. Mowing your lawn is a chore, not a job, unless you're fourteen. But Sunday, that blissful day overshadowed by the coming Monday – Sunday is for sleeping. Oh, there’s football, and meatball subs ordered in, and Sunday night intro miniseries’s, but the most important thing on Sunday’s agenda is sleep. Lazy, get up at eleven in the morning, watch television in your boxers while sipping coffee, sleepy Sundays. So it was with a great deal of annoyance – read: curses into a pillow that would have made a sailor proud – that Justin woke up to the sound of his doorbell being used for Morse code. No simple SOS this, however; here was someone well associated with the intricacies of doorbell etiquette for jerks. A ringa-ring ring – rinnnnnng ringalinging that echoed through the old house like the shrill tones of a fire alarm in a dollhouse. In other words, absolutely unneccessary and pointless and guaranteed to give you a headache trying to figure it out.
Usually I would suggest moving the action up to the start, but in this case your introduction works for me. I think it is because I relate so much to the idea of a lazy Sunday morning. Oh well, won't be able to do that again until both boys are out of the house, in 10 years or so. *sigh*
Most unusual narrative voice/POV here. The narrator is VERY close to the surface--almost as if he's a character. ALMOST first person. So close, in fact, that I was a bit jarred when that last paragraph shifted to 3rd.
I could probably ride with it OK for a short story. OSC did something similar to this in one of his Alvin Maker books--don't ask me which one. But the narrator actually 'showed' himself at the beginning of the book in first person, as the guy who was around and witnessed it all and now is telling the story to you. Then for the rest of the book he slipped right into 3rd Limited and stayed there for the remainder. So it's doable.
But I would consider doing the whole thing in first person. Think about it. It seems a natural choice to me. Mainly because the narrators presence/voice, otherwise, would be, perhaps, a bit too noticeable.
posted
The intentions on the POV are hard to explain. I could say that it was influenced by this or I had been trying for that, but really I just started this thing without much in the way of anything except a concept: an interruption. And the narrator's voice just seemed to fit the atmosphere so well that I let it be. Perhaps when it's finished (at present it's 25 pages double spaced) in a few more days it'll fit. Or maybe not and there'll be drastic rewrites and panicked staring at the screen. Either way I shouldn't be bored.
Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
You know what, I don't think there's really much of a problem with the narrator or POV. If the character of Justin is supposed to be narrating in the beginning then that might be a little wierd, but I'm not really percieving it as Justin at all. I'm just seeing it as a random narrator speaking to and educating the reader about lazy sundays and then going on to tell about Justin. It's all the same POV. Now if that's supposed to be Justin in the beginning, then sorry I must have missed something... But otherwise, good luck! It's great so far!
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Random narrator is the idea. I like the concept of the drifting ghost watching events unfold and recording them on his trusty notepad. It opens up options when considering third person points of view. Nothing wrong with first person, but third person can be more fun when you're telling a story with more than one characters thoughts to consider. At least, that's how I'm using it. And as for the comment about differences between narrator/protagonist voices, consider that if the narrator is having a bit of fun telling a story about a protagonist who is not having fun living that story, then it lightens the atmosphere somewhat. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 01, 2005).]
posted
Whatever, I like it. You could do this in first person, no problem. But it works just fine as it is. I'd probably like to read the rest. In any case, I'm weilling to try.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. For the longest time, I've had only my wife and biased editors who would look at my stuff. But 'NOW' (Bright spotlight from heaven hits the word--people nearby are blinded by the reflection) I have a computer again, and not just my trust Smith Corona. And, oh yes,yes,yes, the joys of online research..
addition: If anyone wants to read what I have so far, Email me. I have 25 pages, single spaced, and I'm only halfway done. Like I said, it's turning into a novella. But it seems funny to me, at least.
But it'll be sometime tomorrow before I send it out. I'm going to bed. 25 pages in a day and my brain is a ball of fuzz. I usually do ten, when I'm working on a novel, (slow and steady, etc) but on something like this, I can see the finish line, so I put more down.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 02, 2005).]
posted
I got to thinking about what Mike and djv were saying, and adjusted the opening a bit. Tell me what you think.
There was a very simple reason why Justin Simmons was cursing into his pillow in ways that would have made a sailor proud. You see, it was Sunday morning. As everyone know, Sundays are for sleeping. Every other day of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc., those are for working, making the money you need to get by on, the money for rent and bills and food and movies and beer. But Sunday, that blissful day overshadowed by the coming Monday – Sunday is for sleeping. Oh, there’s football, and meatball subs ordered in, and Sunday night intro miniseries’s, but the most important thing on Sunday’s agenda is sleep. Lazy, get up at eleven in the morning, watch television in your boxers while sipping coffee, sleepy Sundays. So it was with a very great deal of annoyance that Justin woke up to the sound of his doorbell being used for Morse code. No simple SOS this, however; here was someone well associated with the intricacies of doorbell etiquette for assholes. A ringa-ring ring – rinnnnnng ringalinging that echoed through the old house like the shrill tones of a fire alarm in a dollhouse. In other words, absolutely unnecessary, and guaranteed to give you a headache trying to figure it out.
posted
Yes, this version seems much better. The other was okay, but this is better.
There was one thing though,
"A ringa-ring ring – rinnnnnng ringalinging that echoed through the old house like the shrill tones of a fire alarm in a dollhouse. In other words, absolutely unnecessary, and guaranteed to give you a headache trying to figure it out. "
Shouldn't you put "it was" before "absolutely unnecessary". Or something of that nature. I don't know, the last sentance just doesn't seem to flow correcty.
A ringa-ring ring – rinnnnnng ringalinging that echoed through the old house like the shrill tones of a fire alarm in a dollhouse – absolutely unnecessary and pointless and guaranteed to give you a headache trying to figure it out.
Oh, and check your email, Adam
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 02, 2005).]
posted
No, if you're going to do a standard POV intro here, then start with Justin noticing the thing that is foremost in his perceptual frame at the moment, which would be the @#$#!@#$ bell waking him up. Don't tell us that there is a good reason for him to be irritated, then make us wait to the next paragraph to find out what's irritating him. We end up feeling like it is something about Sunday, as you describe it, which is making him swear. He woke up, realized that today was the day of rest, and this realization caused him to pull the ripcord on the ol' blasphemer Mk23. It just doesn't make a lot of sense.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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When reading through the story, there's a certain flow to the narration that fits the opening. The question is, would you read on to find out why? If so, then it does it's work, and the style further in is understandable. There's nothing wrong with standard third person pov's, but there's also nothing wrong with having fun. Consider the narration of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe. (Which my wife reminded me this piece is sounding like- style wise, anyways. I swear I didn't realize it. But oh well..)
But I will think further on your post Survivor.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 02, 2005).]
posted
Yeah, your first post was an interesting narrative voice (which could have been Justin's voice, so it could have been first person). In the second version you've made a concesssion to a more 3PLO conventional beginning without any thought for how that affects the narrative. This passage would need extensive rewriting to be 3PLO, whereas it didn't need any modification to be what it already was, an engagingly comedic narrator.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Well, it's not finished, so when I start the rewrite, I'll see what happens. But as it stands, I think it's tighter. Sometimes POV just isn't all that important.
Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
oh, geeze. Now Survivor's going to have to take you out into the alley out back and have a little Talk with you.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Finally, this cumbersome beast is done. If anyone wants a gander, let me know. I've got some polishing left to do, but oh well. Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I found the narrator a lot of fun, but the story itself never really grabbed me. And the narrator sort of seemed to lose interest about three quarters of the way through, so that might be a problem, or not.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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