posted
Ok, I know I keep throwing up 13 liners and don't seem to follow through but I havent' found anything that clicked.
I re-read Good Omens recently as well as a comic called The Chosen (the Chosen was very effective since you think you are reading about the second coming of Christ til the last panel when you find out it's the Anti-Christ...was pretty well done).
Anyway had those rumbling through my head and thought it might be amusing to churn out a few pages along the lines of a farce, where some poor schlub who thinks nothing of the strange things that have happened in his life etc. Finds out on his brothers wedding day that he is the Anti-Christ and because of long standing joke he made that the Apocalypse is going to happen that day. Anyway here is a snippet from the beginning of the piece, might be a line or two over 13. Just curious if it sounds entertaining or not.
Even the Anti-Christ hates Mondays
It's not every day you find out you're the Anti-Christ, well at least I hope not. That said I awoke this morning in a pretty good mood, overall. The sun was shining, birds were chirruping and apparently, as I was to soon find out, the Apocalypse was looming. If I'd known how quickly the day was going to go down the drain I would have stayed in bed. After all, it's not like they can start the Apocalypse without me. So there I am, sleepsnot still clogging my eyes when the phone rings. I'm not really sure what woke me, though I've always been an early riser, but thanks to the incessant ringing of the phone I was definitely up now. Grumbling I rubbed the gritty flakes from my eyes and answered the phone.
“Hullo?”, I asked, glancing blearily at the alarm clock, which blinked ominously at me displaying the number 12:00. The power had apparently gone out. It was my dad on the phone, not the fire and brimstone guy, I didn't know about him yet, that would come later, this was my other dad, well honestly, my only dad, or so I thought.
“Peter? Where ya at boy, you were supposed to meet me at 7:00.”, he asked, which confirmed the whole power going out thing and proved that the world had not decided to reverse itself and be daytime at midnight.
“Oh....what time is...power must have gone out...”, I mumbled apologetically.
“It's a quarter of eight ya goober...c'mon grab a quick shower, I'll head that way and pick you up. Todays a big day.” my dad insisted.
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 04, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2005).]
posted
This sounds delightful! I like the 'voice' of your character. I like the story idea. I like the kind of casual air about the whole thing.
Now what I didn't like so much:
First, you keep reminding me that the juicy stuff is coming. That's just stalling. I know I'm going there. Just get me there without telling me that you're getting me there. Some examples:
quote:...as I was to soon find out... ...not the fire and brimstone guy, I didn't know about him yet, that would come later... ...I didn't know how big a day it was going to be, but I promise you we will get to that part shortly... ...but again, I'm getting there.
If you keep up with that rate of reminding me through the whole story, that would add up to 8 or ten reminders per page! I shudder at the thought.
Second, a nitpick, really.
quote:“Peter? Where ya at boy, you were supposed to meet me at 7:00.”, he asked, which confirmed the whole power going out thing and proved that the world had not decided to reverse itself and be daytime at midnight.
I'm wondering exactly HOW his father calling 'confirmed' the power going out. There are any of a number of things that could have caused his clock to malfunction. AND, when you follow that up with a reference to end of the world day/night reversal, I'm wondering if you haven't gone just a little over the edge between connecting what WILL happen with what IS happening. Understand? I'm not sure I do. But my first gut reaction when I read that line was that he already knew who he was and that he might have expected such a thing at the time of his father's phone call, instead of not knowing about it yet. I'm still not sure I'm making any sense. <shrug>
"It's not everyday you find out you're the Anti-Christ...", since he doesn't discover this til later in the day.
Also I know when I wake up and my clock is blinking 12:00 at me I assume the power has gone out. I hadn't thought about the day actually did reverse, but that adds an overly complex wrinkle so I think I will stick with the power outage and the day reversal will maybe be a foreshadowing of something late in the story.
posted
I've read this a few times now, and I think it makes for a good opening. I do agree with Dakota that you seem to put a lot of reminders in there that the good stuff has happened but you aren't telling me yet. I don't mind one or two, but four or five or six or... gets redundant. Also, the more often you do it, the more likely I am, as a reader, to just tune it out and ignore it. If this happens, it loses the effect.
I intended it to be a bit heavy at the beginning as a tease and then to peter out as the story progressed. Then maybe once a chapter or two, come back to the tease.
I am pretty sure as it progresses the "teasers" will space out more evenly. This and the other 3 pages were churned out in a sitting and as I've gone back over it, additional pieces get plugged in between existing paragraphs and the teases spread.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to remove some of them without damaging the flow or changing the tone of the character.
If anyone is interested in critiquing the rough pages I'd love some input.
I'm torn at the moment as to whether he will begin to become stereotypicaly demonlike in appearance. There is a bit where he falls getting out of the shower and I was thinking of having him notice two small bumps on his head (from the fall of course) and a swelling on his tail bone (also of course from the fall) and then noting his skin getting kind of ruddy but dismissing it as being flushed from being in the hot shower.
Hmm, maybe if I put in a line to the effect of "For the sake of my sanity and yours, I will continue the story as if oblivious to the dreadful and horrific events that were to follow...blah blah blah". Or is that cheating the POV too much? If I did something like that I could drop the overt "tease" and maybe punch of some of the subtle ones that come later.
Thanks again.
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 04, 2005).]
posted
As long as things are paced, I think the "...but I'll talk about that later..." can be a useful device especially since this is first person narrator looking back over these events.
As far as the physical changes, it's been a while since I've read much about the apocolypse or the anti-christ, but as I recall, in the beginning of the end, everyone is drawn to the A-C. He is a statesman, probably good-looking and he is charismatic. Depending on the timeline of your story (and the seriousness of the tone), perhaps he is the only one who notices these things. When no one else comments on it, perhaps he could further dismiss the changes. What is changing is his soul or spirit body, and like the devil, he can assume (or maintain) a pleasing and seductive countenance. But as he becomes the A-C, he now has a new sight that allows him to see beyond the physical.
Just some thoughts, things that came to mind. If I have time later this week, I might be able to read a few rough pages. I'll let you know.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited January 04, 2005).]
posted
Perhaps there will even be a scene where he tries to use the traditional anti-christ charisma to pick up women in bars, but just gets shot down, and thinks geeze, what good's an apocalypse if the antichrist can't even score?
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
|
posted
It's more along the lines of "What if?" an underachieving MTV generation college dropout found out he was the anti-christ.
So in that vain, you have a guy who's never tried that hard and things still seem to turn out ok. Ex. He's broke and hungry, a pizza guy shows up at his door, he's delivering to the wrong address, but it's his last day on the job and his last delivery of the night, so he just gives him the pie for free and goes home. This kind of thing happens to him alot. As a kid he never really studied, but he always seemed to manage to scrape by with a passing grade. He has luck with women but they always seem to be goth or freaky, which he finds odd since he is a pretty normal guy. He's had to have restraining orders put out on several deranged catholic priests, but doesn't think anything of it.
Through the course of the story he will recount many things that any moderately aware person would go "DUH, I'm the anti-christ!", but he remained obliviously unaware until the actual day of the apocalypse.
Executing it in a manner that is just at the edge of believability is what will hopefully make it humorous (Like "Strange Brew" rather than "Dude where's my car?").
posted
OK, HG. You asked me if I'd read it for you, I said 'yes', I haven't seen it yet. You going to send it, or what?
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
|
posted
I liked Strange Brew as well. But "edge of believability" is not a term I would ordinarily exemplify using that association. I hadn't really thought that there could be anyone that would use that particularly fine comedy as an example of "the edge of believability".
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted
I would think that however poorly defined the line between believability and utter lunacy, Strange Brew would clearly lie deep in anenome territory.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted
Looking for suggestions on where to go with this.
Basic story outline.
Slacker wakes up.
Series of laughable and odd events throughout the day, typical bad Monday morning after partying Sunday night.
Spends the day with his dad picking up tux for brothers wedding, things get stranger, after all the apocalypse is looming.
Wedding begins and everything is going fine. Satan shows up at the point in the ceremony where the priest asks "If anyone has reason, speak now..."
Peter discovers he is the anti-christ.
Ends up being berated by his human father and satan for being a slacker and never living up to expectations etc.
This is where I am kind of stuck. I was trying to figure out how to pull off a half assed apocalypse, or maybe he averts the apocalypse by being lazy. Something along those lines.
The comic payoff, ideally, is in having both his fathers kind of agreeing with each other that Peter doesn't apply himself etc.
Oh and was toying with the idea that maybe one of his buddies was Jesus and maybe having them do something in collusion, but thought that might be crossing the line. Noone seems to mind making fun of the anti-christ, but some people get pretty bothered if ya make of of Big JC.
Any suggestions?
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 10, 2005).]
posted
Perhaps, instead of his friend being JC, have him sitting at a bar in hell talking with Hitler and Napolean. They could welcome him to the club of failed world domineers, or, in turn, kick-him-while-he's-down for being such a slacker. If he had only applied himself he would have succeeded where others had failed...
I'll have to pull out Revelations to get some more ideas.
posted
That could be amusing after the apocalypse...maybe as an epilogue.
It would be hard to justify Hitler, Stalin, Napoleon or Mao being on earth prior to the apocalypse. But that would be a great scene after it had started.
posted
In Revelation, the Anti-Christ has a normal background and all that, but Christ comes thundering out of the sky with angels and trumpets and all that. He still has marks on his hands and feet and all that, too.
So you can't have any of his buddies "turn out" to be Christ. Though the idea that the Second Coming of Christ will involved the Messiah being born and growing up a second time (or that it will be for the first time, depending) is apparently a necessary condition for the Anti-Christ to decieve the nations, it isn't scriptural.
The real problem is that the Anti-Christ is suppose to perform various miracles and unite the most powerful nations into a single uber-nation and stuff like that. I'm not sure how you're going to work that all in. Also, in Christian lore, the apocalyptic end of the world itself is a blessed event that involves the utter defeat of Satan, so Satan wouldn't be exactly displeased if his chosen minion avoided the whole thing.
Not that an un-displeased Satan is any nicer or less sarcastic than the displeased one. And as above, a basic misconception about the desireability of the end of the world is apparently necessary for many of the events of the Apocalypse of John.
Really, if you're serious about writing a story based on the Apocalypse, you need to at least read a good summary of what it contains.
quote:The real problem is that the Anti-Christ is suppose to perform various miracles and unite the most powerful nations into a single uber-nation and stuff like that.
This could be where Lucifer really gets annoyed. If your slacker keeps missing or screwing-up the miracles, doesn't apply himself, etc. The coming of the A-C is supposed to issue in a new era of peace on Earth, but it is a false peace that eventually falls apart into the Tribulation. The economy is supposed to be controlled by the A-C (people will be unable to buy or trade anything without "the mark of the beast" (Rev 13:17; some modern theologians read this as barcodes or microchips on the back of the hand or the fore-head), so perhaps you could have Satan set-up a meeting with investors, but Slacker shows up late, is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and hasn't brushed his hair or his teeth.
quote:The real problem is that the Anti-Christ is suppose to perform various miracles and unite the most powerful nations into a single uber-nation and stuff like that. I'm not sure how you're going to work that all in.
That's exactly the point. The AC is SUPPOSED to do those things, but the AC in the story is an underachieving slacker and doesn't do those things.
Also I am reasonably familiar with revelations and apocalypse mythos, but I don't want a comical short stoty that is mired too tightly in actual dogma.
The scene between Satan, Peter and Peter's earthly father should be familiar to anyone who's ever been asked by a parent "What are you going to do with your life? You don't get paid for watching TV!!!" etc.
I couldn't figure out a workable way to get Jesus in the story, I only brought it up to see if maybe someone else had a quirky idea.
Though it might be amusing if JC were to show up kind of miffed that he can't proceed with the rapture since the AC is screwing up the apocalypse.
posted
The rapture will not be screwed-up if the apocolypse doesn't get going. The rapture can happen at any time "in the twinkling of an eye." However, a delayed apocolypse will delay the Second Coming, which is to occur at the end of the Tribulation.
That could be a bone of contention between Jesus and Satan.
J: We're on a bit of a schedule here. You only have seven years for this little Apocalypse of yours and then I'm coming back, so either do it, and get it over with, or keep up the charade until you can get a competent A-C.
S: It's not my fault. This guy fits the profile, he just won't apply himself. I'm doing my best here.
J: Well, obviously your best has never been good enough. Take care of it and let me know by Friday, or I'll have to get my Dad involved.
Jesus leaves.
Satan turns to Slacker.
S: Now look what you've done! If He goes to His Dad, it will mess-up everything! Why can't you just start using your brain instead of sitting on it?! Don't you have any ambition? I'm handing you the world on a platter!
SKR: Yeah, but I don't want to miss the end of Charmed. Can't it wait a few minutes?
Satan bangs his head against the wall.
Dad: He's always been this way. Now, my other son, he was always doing stuff to get ahead, but this one <sigh> he's such a goober!
S: Really, you should have killed him years ago. It would have saved both of us a lot of trouble. Where am I supposed to find a replacement by Friday? Yasser Arafat is already dead, Fidel Castro has a limited appeal, and Bill Gates, well, don't even get me started on Bill...
posted
Actually I don't watch Charmed, but I thought the tone of the show might be applicable. Joan of Arcadia or even 7th Heaven would provide a nice juxtaposition.
Perhaps, Satan could even make a comment about how if Slacker is going to watch anything, it should something more like Apprentice, Survivor, or WWE Raw.
And here is where the first stands at the moment. It's at around 1500 words so far.
EVEN THE ANTI-CHRIST HATES MONDAYS
It's not every day you find out you're the Anti-Christ, well at least I hope not. That said I awoke this morning in a pretty good mood, overall. The sun was shining, birds were chirruping and apparently, as I was to soon find out, the Apocalypse was looming. If I'd known how quickly the day was going to go down the drain I would have stayed in bed. After all, it's not like they can start the Apocalypse without me. So there I am, sleepsnot still clogging my eyes when the phone rings. I'm not really sure what woke me, though, in fairness, I've always been an early riser, but thanks to the incessant ringing of the phone I was definitely up now. Grumbling I rubbed the gritty flakes from my eyes and answered the phone.
“Hullo?”, I asked, glancing blearily at the alarm clock, which blinked ominously at me displaying the number 12:00. The power had apparently gone out. It was my dad on the phone, not the fire and brimstone guy, I didn't know about him yet, that would come later, this was my other dad, well honestly, my only dad, or so I thought.
“Peter? Where ya at boy, you were supposed to meet me at 7:00.”, he asked, which confirmed the whole power going out thing and proved that the world had not decided to reverse itself and be daytime at midnight.
“Oh....what time is...power must have gone out...”, I mumbled apologetically.
“It's a quarter of eight ya goober...c'mon grab a quick shower, I'll head that way and pick you up. Todays a big day.” my dad insisted.
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 11, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 11, 2005).]
posted
So this is more a story about when he's still much too young to really do anything, but Satan has showed up to start training him in the ways of being the Anti-Christ and he's too lazy to get on the boat?
You might want to consider Satan's motive in doing all this. After all, he isn't planning on being defeated, he wants to avoid setting up the "true" Anti-Christ. So it isn't exactly like Satan can pick him just because he happens to be the prophesied Anti-Christ, that would be the last person that Satan would want to put in power, because that's the guy that will get defeated. Satan would rather pick someone who has the right qualities but isn't actually going to be the Anti-Christ described in the Apocalypse.
posted
Not really, no, though that is a good idea.
Again I'm not trying to really parallel the biblical apocalypse exactly.
The timeline in the story would be that the apocalypse actually started well before the beginning of the story and it has now come to a crucial point, and Satan is showing up to find out why his agent on Earth hasn't gotten the job done.
I honestly want to avoid any deep religious dogma being interjected into the story. A tidbit here or there is sufficient, but I think the tone of the piece would be impaired if I attempted to root this "apocalypse" too closely to the End Days depicted in Revelations.
Good Omens is the inspiration for the story, which if you havent' read it is very good, it is kind of a spoof of the first Omen movie. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman did an admirable and entertaining job with it. That is the sort of tone I am shooting for.
posted
I don't know. I mean, the entire point of calling something an "Apocalypse" is that it is somehow based on the Apocalypse of John.
Furthermore, there are already so many ascriptural stories about "The Apocalypse" that you can't just say that you're doing a parody which isn't based on scripture and leave it at that.
Base your parody on some specific work or works, it doesn't have to be based on scripture. I just got the impression from various things you'd said that you wanted it to be a parody of the Apocalypse of John.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
