posted
Kev's little sister finished Old Macdonald at 33rd and Riverfront. After a few moments of silence, he felt it safe to crack open his book. But then Lucy gulped a helping of air, and began to shout the alphabet.
"Mom. Make her stop," Kev said.
However, his mother seemed oblivious to the noise and to the request. At 35th the stoplight turned. While his mother slowed the car to halt, Lucy began an encore of Old Macdonald.
"Mom. I can't read over-"
His mother screamed. A masked man had sprung from the corner bank, a duffle bag in one hand. The man barreled toward them, waving a handgun in the other.
posted
lol. Man, I know exactly what that is like. I like it. The only thing I would do is move, "A gun in the other." back up to the previous sentence. It just sounds disjointed.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 09, 2005).]
posted
first off, i like the re-write. it's a lot crisper (more crisp?) than the first one i read.
couple things come to mind. 1. most people don't scream when they're shocked. they typically act astonished more than afraid (unless they are afraid, but here i don't think she has time for that to register. not sure). 2. gunmen don't normally wave their guns. they point 'em or hold 'em or hide 'em, for the most part. "waving" makes the character sound less purposeful and more deranged.
but i am pretty hooked here. excellent contrast between normal kid's day and intense action.
posted
Actually, you'd be surprised how normal it is for gunmen to wave a gun. I guess you'd also be surprised by how normal it is for people to scream when they see masked gunmen running around.
That said, I agree that "waving a handgun in the other" is in a really bad place here.
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