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Greetings, one and all. I'm new to the forums here. Well, sort of new. I've been coming back every year or two for the last 5 or 6 years to poke around. This time I'm posting something. It's the opening paragraph from a chapter in a novel I'm working on. In this scene, I'm introducing a new character. In addition to technical feedback, I'm also interested in people's reaction to the character and the mood established, if any.
Thanks in advance, Jefficus
Wilkie rolled over and tried to find a clock. Every motel has them, but they're always somewhere different. The really cheap places usually bolted them to a piece of furniture. Oh, there it is. Not bolted down. It pulsed gently from the television console. Christ, it's 5 something. His eyes were fine, but there was something hanging over the last two numbers. A bra. Nothing unusual there. The curtain behind the TV was starting to glow with the first stray hints of morning, and if this one was a sun worshiper she'd be waking up soon. Best not to linger. He looked around for his pants.
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Mood and character seems fine. You probably could do a bit more to establish it further, but it likely isn't necessary.
My reaction to the character is that he's just had one of many one-night-stands... he's accustomed to sneaking out before they wake, etc. It's not particulary vile depending on one's view of such things, but it makes me less sympathetic right from the start. It would be interesting to see if he can or can't remember her name... that would tell all.
Technically, I have some issues:
quote:Wilkie rolled over and tried to find a clock.
I'd suggest avoiding the usual traps of "tried to" and "started/ing to" when writing. Choose more active verbs like: Searched. Such as "Rolling over, Wilkie searched for a clock." Notice how I didn't start with Wilkie, either. Mix up the starts of your sentences a bit -- especially at the beginning where it's most noticeable.
quote:Not bolted down. It pulsed gently from the television console.
It's probably just me and my sense of humor, but this begs for:
[...] pulsed gently from the television console, which was bolted down.
quote: The curtain behind the TV was starting to [...]
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HSO: Your comment about remembering her name is bang on. He spends most of the next paragraph ruminating on it while he hunts for his socks. And you should see the note he leaves. By the end of the scene he has become perfectly loathesome.
I like your idea about the TV being bolted down. In my original draft I had words to that effect. But then I realised that the fact that the clock is in the TV actually implies that the clock is immobile. So I dropped the aside as I thought it slightly betrayed the mood. That more subtle observation, I think, would be lost on a guy who is just waking up.
I took your point about the "starting to glow" and changed it simply to "was glowing with the first stray hints of morning". I like that better.
The first line I resisted for a bit. Then I agreed and have changed it to "Wilkie rolled over and peered around for a clock." That works better, too. Thanks.
The only thing I disagreed with was the inversion of the opening sentence. If his name was Dave or Bob, I might agree. But because he has a more interesting name, I want it to dominate the imagery of the very opening, rather than the act of rolling being the dominant image.
You have an opportunity right here to relate that he can't recall her name.
"and if, he floundered for a moment vainly trying to recall the bimbo's name and then settled for, "she" was a sun worshipper"
Or something like that. You could also use "it" (which dehumanizes her further) if you really wanna make him despicable and show his disdain for his one night stands.
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Crumbs! A note! Who leaves a note (in real life)? He must be a sadist.
Interesting, Jeff, that you bring up the name, because I nearly brought it up. Wilkie is an odd name and a host of imagery springs forth to mind. But, when I first read it I thought: Walkie Talkie... for the obvious similarity in spelling, I suppose. And it threw me ever so slightly until I committed to short-term memory that it was, in fact, Wilkie. But I always liked Walkie-Talkies when I was a kid... Strange name.
Yet, Wilkie isn't the most masculine of surnames (presuming it's a surname). It's an interesting juxtaposition you've got going. I can't say whether it works or not because I just don't know by 13 lines.
However, unless there's really good reason to do so -- such as for pure comedic effect, or the girl wakens before his escape -- I wouldn't dwell too long on finding his clothes and the things he does. Get him out of there quickly, I guess. There's plenty of time to develop his character in other situations.
Because let's face it: Sneaking off after a one-nighter is fairly shameful. Dwell on it too long, this early, and you might possibly lose a few readers. Then again, it's early, so maybe anything goes. I don't know. Just things to consider.
Perhaps I should offer to read a bit more before saying anything else. I'm willing to take a chapter or a few thousand words if you'd like -- if you're looking for a more in-depth critique.
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His real name is Wilkington Pratt. Wilkie is a nickname.
I can understand the suggestion to hurry him up and get out. And believe me, he does. But the note is a key point in explaining his character. It isn't the content, but the manner in which he leaves it. I want to punch this guy every time I read the scene. Scratch that. I want to hold him down and let the women punch him.
If anybody is interested in commenting on the entire scene (800 words) I'd be interested in hearing more fully informed feedback.
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HuntGod: Yes, I could insert a name-memory problem in that line, but I don't want to break the flow of the thought: that he has to get out before she wakes up.
The entire scene consists of him waking up, getting dressed and leaving. So I've obviously got a few more paragraphs I can spend to develop the name problem, which comes (I think) quite naturally in the next couple of paragraphs.
That's the problem with the 13-line limit: its enough to raise a bunch of questions but doesn't allow the reader to see if/how they are addressed.
And on the point of the 'it' idea, that would (to me) signify an extreme degree of psychopathy bordering on serial-killer-ness. He's a deplorable creep, but he hasn't gone far enough to 'it' her.
Yeah, I'd say the characterization here is very well done.
However, two things: First, the switches in tense are a bit bothersome without denoting them more clearly as thought. Single quotes, maybe? Italicized, perhaps? A 'thought' tag (IE. Oh, there it is, he thought.)
Second, (and this might be a bit odd coming from a female of the species):
quote:I can understand the suggestion to hurry him up and get out. And believe me, he does. But the note is a key point in explaining his character. It isn't the content, but the manner in which he leaves it. I want to punch this guy every time I read the scene. Scratch that. I want to hold him down and let the women punch him.
There's not much you can say about this guy that will make me loathe him more than the 'easy' women who sleep with him. They both need to be held down and spanked soundly for their behavior. I'm darned sick and tired of the idea that only the men are horny jerks that use a member of the opposite sex for their personal pleasure toy. Women do it too. If such were not the case, these kind of men wouldn't find it so easy to get so many women into bed in the first place. It goes both ways, guys. Women who sleep with this kind of guy are using them as much as they are being used.
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DJVDAKOTA: I agree with you on the traditional sleaze character being gender biased. It isn't apparent in the first 13 lines, but Wilkie's 'friend' is just as sleazy as he is.
But that isn't the point in this case, because Wilkie doesn't in fact care. I merely mention it because I didn't want to (and don't think I did) fall into the very stereotype trap that you refer to.
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