posted
This is a story that just came out one day. It's a little under 5k words, and has been through it's first revision. It does have a few curse words, and the story itself might be disturbing in places.
Looking for people interesting in critiquing the whole thing. I'm sure there are some mistakes I've missed.
quote: Laurence stared at the time displayed on the wall. Two hours had passed, and once again nothing had been accomplished. Ancient souls masked in young bodies argued over petty issues. Each one harbored more than two centuries of perceived wisdom, but lacked the ability to understand. None of it mattered.
Sitting at the end of the table, Laurence turned his attention to the head of the group, Mark. Last names had been forgotten during the last century. With only thirteen humans left on the planet, none were needed. Mark looked as bored as he was, but Mark listened to the arguments. He daydreamed.
“Silence,” Mark said. The arguing ceased. “I want to resume research on the Nova project.”
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited January 19, 2005).]
posted
It's a good beginning, and I'd like to read more. However I am a little overextended right now - if you are not in a hurry, send it to me. Otherwise, I'd be happy to look at the next draft!
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I did have a nit with "Last names had been forgotten during the last century. With only thirteen humans left on the planet, none were needed." I can see how you've used the question of last names being redundent to bring in the fact that there are only 13 humans left on Earth, but the problem is that there is no justification for Laurence to be suddenly noticing that everyone has forgotton their last names.
Also, it seems a bit implausible and boring as a pretext. Why would they have forgotton their last names rather than their first names? Think of Gilligan's Island, how the "names" of the characters contributed to characterizing the relationships among them. "Mr. Howal", "Professor", "Mary-Anne". Sure, it's a silly example, but the way the characters were named lent the show legs. Having 13 people go by their first names is just going to get tiresome.
But putting that aside, I think the premise is promising and I'd like to read it.
posted
Hey LDS, this begining is different than when I saw it last. How much else has changed? I don't know if my opinion would be overdone on this since I've seen earlier versions of it. But, if you'd like to send it, I'll take another look. I would need about a week or so to get it back to you though.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I like the intro, it draws the reader in, but I have to agree with Survivor on the line "Last names had been forgotten during the last century." This threw me. Maybe something like - Last names had been forgotten over the centuries. Mav
[This message has been edited by maverick (edited January 19, 2005).]
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