Kyle Miller put the night vision goggles to his eyes, and peered into the moon lit valley below. Slowly, he scanned the area, straining to find any signs of the inhabitants. “It’s been a month and still nothing,” he said frustrated, ripping off his goggles,and looking down into the emptiness, “There’s isn't much time, before we’re called back and then...” His voice trailed off fighting the guilt he’s carried for two years now.

Dusan Ny looked at his friend with empathy. He agreed to help him find the Zap that killed his brother two years ago, but to do that you needed the Anatotitans or some other species the Zaps liked to attack, and neither seemed to be around. It was getting difficult to locate them, and reports from all over the planet were claiming the same difficulties with other species. There were theories, but most were ridiculous and some down right insane.

The last line of the first paragraph is giving me trouble, as well as the last line of the second, I'm not sure if I should leave it there or move it to another paragraph or use it in a dialogue.

The Anatotitians are described in the third paragraph. I'm debating whether to keep the description here, or lead the reader into the insane theory. If I lead the reader into the theory, I'm not sure as to how to bring the reader back to Kyle and Dusan and discuss the Anatotitians.

Thanks for the input.
Mav.

I'm not sure why you kept Dusan out of the first paragraph. You could easily say the both characters stood atop the mesa, Kyle with goggles, Dusan with whatever he's got, looking for inhabitants and fighting any guilt one or both may feel.

Then we know, right from the beginning, that there's two people together. How you write the narrative from there will determine who's going to be the POV character -- as it stands now, it could be either Kyle or Dusan, maybe even omni... I can't tell.

But you know what else? With a slight rewrite of the second paragraph, you could cut (ouch) the first paragraph entirely. Because the second, if rewritten, is far more interesting than the first... to me anyway. The first could alternatively be moved to be the second paragraph if you couldn't bear to part with it...

I know, I know... sorry.

EDIT: Regarding the last line of the 1st: You need a comma to make that work so it doesn't sound like his voice is actually fighting his guilt. "I am the Dark Voice! Have at you, Guilt!" *Ahem* I would probably rewrite tho', like: "[...]" his voice trailed off as he struggled with the guilt he felt.

The last line of the second paragraph: Cut it. Don't need it. Problem solved. Right? Right.

I figured by introducing a dialogue from Kyle that the reader would presume that someone else is close by, then again he could be talking with himself.

I introduced Kyle first simply because he is the focus of this story, Dusan is more or less the sidekick, not a bumbling one, but one that keeps Kyle in check and out of trouble. Kyle is, at times, too focused on his revenge.

"Maybe old Cyrus is right,” he said knowing that he could receive a barrage of swearing.

Does it work or does this need to be a paragraph itself?

Now before you ask who Cyrus is, don't - he is the protaganist and will be introduce later, not too much later - but later.

Thx,
Mav

Sorry about the double post. Wasn't thinking of editing the first. duh on me

One way to combine the two paragraphs would be to have Kyle performing the action and Dusan making the commentary.

Kyle scanned the valley with his nvg's, "It's been a month and nothing, why bother, the council will send for us soon..." Dusan asked.

quote:

---

“Maybe old Cyrus is right,”

---

Why not have your character say it then? Like:

"Maybe old Cyrus' theories were right, even if they are insane," said whoever.

"In the least, they are ridiculous," said the other guy.

"Agreed. Wanna go for a pint?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice. But don't you want to find the Zappy thing?"

"Oh, yeah. Forgot about that."

HSO - The dialogue suggestion works.

Here's a revision tell me please - I've never worked so damn hard on an opening.

Kyle Miller put the night vision goggles to his eyes, and peered into the moon lit valley below him. Slowly, he scanned the area, straining to find any signs of the Anatotitans. “It’s been a month, and they still haven’t showed, Kyle. We’re wasting time.” Dusan said doubting that his friend was listening. “They’ll come, they always come.” replied Kyle with certainty. Dusan removed his goggles and looked at Kyle with empathy – the man’s guilt was consuming him. He agreed to help Kyle find the Zap that killed his brother two years ago, but to do that you needed the Anatotitans or some other species the Zaps liked to attack, and neither seemed to be around. It was getting difficult to locate them, and reports from all over the planet were claiming the same difficulties with other species. “Maybe Cyrus’ insane theory is right,” he said knowing that he could receive a barrage of swearing.

“Are you just trying to piss me off?” Kyle snapped

“No. Just that...ah never mind,” he said as the thunder rumbled in the distance. He and Kyle turned their eyes toward the growing sound.

“About damn time,” said Kyle tickling the adjustments to his goggles, “It’s the Anatotitans.”

Thx again,
Mav.

[This message has been edited by maverick (edited January 20, 2005).]

quote:

---

Kyle Miller put the night vision goggles to his eyes, and peered into the moon lit valley below him. Slowly, he scanned the area, straining to find any signs of the Anatotitans. “It’s been a month, and they still haven’t showed, Kyle. We’re wasting time.” Dusan said doubting that his friend was listening.

---

Put a break here, don't have dialogue between two characters in the same paragraph. Yeah I know I suggested making it one paragraph.

quote:

---

“They’ll come, they always come.” replied Kyle with certainty. Dusan removed his goggles and looked at Kyle with empathy – the man’s guilt was consuming him. He agreed to help Kyle find the Zap that killed his brother two years ago, but to do that you needed the Anatotitans or some other species the Zaps liked to attack, and neither seemed to be around. It was getting difficult to locate them, and reports from all over the planet were claiming the same difficulties with other species.

---

Is this text below Dusan speaking or Kyle? If it's Dusan you need another break right there. Your asking for problems any time you split spoken text that far apart in a paragraph.

quote:

---

“Maybe Cyrus’ insane theory is right,” he said knowing that he could receive a barrage of swearing."

---

Kyle Miller put the night vision goggles to his eyes, and peered into the moon lit valley below him. Slowly, he scanned the area, straining to find any signs of the Anatotitans. “It’s been a month, and they still haven’t showed, Kyle. We’re wasting time.” Dusan Ny said doubting that his friend was listening.

“They’ll come, they always come.” replied Kyle with certainty.

Dusan removed his goggles and looked at Kyle with empathy – the man’s guilt was consuming him. He agreed to help Kyle find the Zap that killed his brother two years ago, but to do that you needed the Anatotitans or some other species the Zaps liked to attack, and neither seemed to be around. It was getting difficult to track them, and reports from all over the planet were claiming the same difficulties with other species.

“Maybe Cyrus’ insane theory is right,” Dusan said wincing at an expect onslaught of swearing.

“Are you just trying to piss me off?” Kyle snapped

ARGHHHHHH!

Sentence 1 and 2 are Kyle, especially because of the phrase "straining to find any signs of the Anatotitans." That could only come from within Kyle's head - it's not something an external observer could know.

Sentence 3 is Dusan - we know this because it tells us that Dusan is doubting - again something you have to be inside Dusan's head to notice.

and so on. Do you see that?

Here's a (really bad) example of how this might all be told from Dusan's POV:

Dusan watched Kyle put on the night vision goggles. "It's been a month, and the Anatotitans still haven't shown, Kyle," he said, but Kyle kept peering into the moonlit valley. Dusan didn't think Kyle was even listening to him.