This is my WIP, my first novel-length venture as it were. I'm offering up the first two scenes of Ch.1 if anyone is interested in providing feedback on those -- approx 2500 words. Or I'll gladly accept feedback on these first 11 lines.

I've been troubled over making the first sentence it's own paragraph or leaving it as is... Either way feels right to me... and I can't decide. What do you think?

As always, thanks.

*** *** ***

Ordinarily, Connor Parkes would not have paid much attention to the woman in the gray jumpsuit. A married man--albeit not very happily this past year--he had no intention of seeking anything extramarital. Plain ol’ “marital” was just fine, thank you. And sometimes, one woman was too much.

But as the woman in gray slinked away from the restrooms, across the lot toward the attendant’s booth inside, to return what could only be a toilet key (attached to a weighty piece of iron), she caught his eye. Indeed, there was something strange about the way she moved: slow and cautious. This nagged him like an itch he could not quite reach to scratch.

EDIT: included missing article "the" -- how do these things happen? One can only guess. Thx, Jefficus.

As to the 'one paragraph or two' issue, I would agree that it could work either way. The deciding factor should be your intention as to timing. With two paragraphs, there is an implied pause between the 'one woman was too much' thought and the resumption of the narrative. If you intend that Connor is pausing, briefly, to let that thought echo, then go with two paragraphs.

On the other hand, if you intend it only as a flip aside, then drop to a single paragraph to make that dangling thought less dangly.

I found the aside about the weighty piece of iron distracting. It gets in the way of the apparently important point about how she catches his eye. The way you've got it now, it seems more like the iron caught his eye than that she did.

The bit about the itch is unfortunately very cliche. Spencer Tracy and Marilyn Monroe made a big thing out of that simile in The Seven Year Itch and it has been used to death ever since.

Last comment. I found, particularly for an opening to a novel, that this lacks a hook. There is no strong visual, no interesting turn of phrase and no unanswered question presented in the first line.

As a suggestion, try inserting this short line to the very beginning:

quote:

---

Maybe it was the way she twirled the key.

---

I didn't mean to come across as harsh here. I actually like the general setup and most of the execution.

My two cents, offered cheap at Canadian exchange rates.
Jefficus

*Edited to fix typo.

Jefficus is right about the lack of a hook. However, if the character and story aren't intense, I don't think you need a really strong hook at the beginning. It would be wrong for the tone of the story.

I would take out the second sentence of the first paragraph. If he's not happy in his marriage, "Plain ol' 'marital'" is not fine; if it were, he would be happy or at least content. I would go straight to "One woman was too much", kept inside the first paragraph.

I don't get why "slow and cautious" would attract a man to a woman. I'm assuming I'll find out later in the story.

I agree about the iron, as well.

No matter why he's attracted, I think it would work better if you described those slow and cautious actions with more focus on your POV's reaction to what her body is doing. Instead of starting his reaction at the end of the sentence in the third paragraph (when the action ends), build up from the moment he sees her walking.

Finally, if you want to make me believe Connor's attracted to this mystery woman, please don't use the word "strange" to describe how she moves.

As a matter of opinion, I feel that some leeway is to be given for novel-length story openings. Not a lot, mind you, but a wee bit more than a short story would get. Yet, if these two paragraphs are boring people silly or are not even interesting, then I'll address it on the rewrite.

Either way, I do see what you're getting at about the confusion, Keeley. I'm chewing on it. No worries. Something good will come from this.

The first paragraph frames this as being about his marital issues - so I assumed the woman in the 2nd paragraph was going to be relevant to those issues.

Like if, oh, I don't know. Say I wrote a first paragraph that said:
Clarissa was in therapy for her kleptomania. She hated being a kleptomaniac and didn't want to steal any more.

and then I wrote a second paragraph that said:
Clarissa went into the department store and started looking around.

You'd think there was a relationship between those two paragraphs, and that Clarissa going into the store was related to her kleptomania.

probably this is a dumb example and i am just muddling things up more. oh, well. ignore me if I'm not making sense.

I suppose I thought the very first sentence was clear enough in its intent. Then, followed by the next sentences that good ol' Connor wasn't interested in a fling at all, and wouldn't go there, because one woman was more than enough.

However, I realize that I've not framed this properly... if one person is confused, big deal. If two are, okay, something to think about. If three are, then it needs fixing.

I might suggest a few additional tweaks, like "the attractive/shapely/etc. woman in the gray jumpsuit." Just to give that information rather than imply it by suggesting that an "available" man might have found her interesting for some other reason than her behavior. I would also reverse the positions of "a weighty piece of iron" and "what could only be a toilet key", since he actually sees the piece of iron and then assumes it must be attached to a toilet key (and I would rephrase each a little).

"Indeed" could go, for all of me. I have no idea what it means where you put it. And perhaps "itch he could not quite reach to scratch" is the wrong image, but it isn't a terrible simile for something between inappropriate curiosity about someone with whom you don't wish to become involved and completely baseless suspicions about someone who happens to walk a bit funny.

By the way, a certain grammarian of my aquaintance informs me that the previous use of "who" should be "whom". I informed said grammarian that this is the reason that I think that the study of English grammar is complete nonsense.

Ordinarily, Connor Parkes would not have paid much attention to the woman in the gray jumpsuit. He knew it was not an attraction to her that held his interest. In fact, she was a rather gaunt and homely creature: matted, shoulder-length brown hair clung to her sallow cheeks; the tight-fitting jumpsuit, filthy and stained; the laces of one running shoe untied and threatening to trip her up at the slightest misstep. Besides, even if there were an unlikely attraction to her, he was a married man--maybe not happily, he would admit if pressed--and he had no interest in seeking anything outside his marriage. He was a one-woman man.

This is much better than the first version. Well done.

Big kudos to Survivor by the way -- my official kick-in-the-pants. He's already critiqued the version sent out and confirmed many of suspicions, as well as a few I hadn't "suspiched."

Just to confirm what the others have said:

This version is better. I get a better sense of the scene and a better image of the woman.

Good job on the rewrite.