posted
This is my first attempt at beginning a sci-fi story. I know 1st person is bad. I'll fix that later.
My head became a beautiful explosion of color and exquisite pain when my eyes opened. I couldn’t focus at all. I quickly became aware that I was not alone. I heard a man’s voice say, "Take a deep breath..., that's it, here she comes." I finally began to see forms and figures emerge from the colors. Walls and a ceiling, they looked like stone, lamplight flickered on the gray rocks. Oh, sh*t, it was Gabriel. The last thing I could remember was having been on the cavern shore and taking aim at a metallic bird. I tried to get up but I could barely move, I was tied to stakes driven into the floor. Gabriel was the Advocate for the Hybrids. Which basically meant he was an executioner for the Judges. A seller of my people, a snitch, an informant, and a murderer. Hybrids are a mix of the native animal-like Alenes and the imported Humans. We are basically human but with animalistic tendencies. Beautiful, powerful, and vicious, Gabriel was every Hybrid's worst nightmare. The moment I opened my mouth to speak, I felt a crunching kick to my right cheekbone. As my gaze focused on the offending white boot, I saw it was attached to a rather shapely calf.
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
posted
You have a decent premise for a story here. But for me it seems like your packing a lot of info into the opening sentences. If your character is experiencing the effects of concussions and cranial blows I don't think she would be lecturing about the state of politics or culture. Give yourself some breathing room and put yourself in her shoes and let the story happen. We don't have to know why Gabriel has captured her in the opening paragraph. Show us what is happening and when the action has died down a little you could use dialogue or intraspection to explain the situation. Lastly your opening sentence seemed a little clunky to me. The imagery was pretty neat maybe if you just tightened it up and made it concrete and active.
your sentence: My head became a beautiful explosion of color and exquisite pain when my eyes opened.
A suggestion:
I opened my eyes and my head became a beautiful explosion of color and exquisite pain.
these are my opinions only, do with them what you will. But I do like the the premise of your lines here.
[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited January 21, 2005).]
posted
First of all, there's nothing wrong with first person point of view. I find that it is more difficult than third person to do well and I don't personally like it as much, but never think it's an error.
As for the passage, I'm going to go ahead and do a line-by-line. Comments are in ALL CAPS. ************************* My head became a beautiful explosion of color and exquisite pain when my eyes opened. I FIND THE ADJECTIVES IN THIS SENTENCE DISTRACTING. THEY SEEM TO ADD WORDS BUT NOT MUCH MEANING.I ALWAYS RECOMMEND BEING CAUTIOUS OF ADVERBS AND ADJECTIVES. THEY ARE GOOD AND USEFUL PARTS OF SPEECH BUT CAN EASILY BE OVERUSED. I couldn’t focus at all. I quickly became aware that I was not alone. THREE SENTENCES IN A ROW BEGIN WITH "I"...MAY WANT TO VARY THAT A BIT. YOU COULD DO SO EASILY BY COMBINGING THESE SENTENCES THUSLY..."...NOT ALONE WHEN i HEARD A MAN'S..." I heard a man’s voice say, "Take a deep breath..., that's it, here she comes." WHEN I READ THIS I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS GIVING BIRTH AND THE PROTAG MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE ONE BEING DELIVERED. I ANOTHER "I"...HOW ABOUT "THEN i BEGAN TO SEE..." IT ALSO ELIMINATES AN ADVERB AND IS MORE PRECISE. finally began to see forms and figures emerge from the colors. Walls and a ceiling, they looked like stone, lamplight flickered on the gray rocks.THIS WAS NOT A COMPLETE OR COHERENT SENTENCE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEANT. Oh, sh*t, IF YOU'RE GONNA CUSS...JUST DO IT it was Gabriel. WHO? I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THE NEXT SENTENCE TO EXPLAIN. The last thing I could remember was having been on the cavern shore and taking aim at a metallic bird. THIS SENTENCE SEEMS LIKE IT BELONGS IN A NEW PARAGRAPH. I tried to get up but I could barely move, I was tied to stakes driven into the floor. WHEN DID YOU TRY TO GET UP? IN THE FLASHBACK OR IN THE PRESENT OF THE STORY? Gabriel was the Advocate for the Hybrids. Which basically meant he was an executioner for the Judges. YOU KEEP JUMPING AROUND; THIS IS DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW. IT ALSO FEELS LIKE THE STUFF OF MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS ALTHOUGH I'M NOT ENTIRELY CERTAIN WHERE THE BREAKS SHOULD GO. YOU INTRODUCE WHO GABRIEL WAS BY THROWING OUT MORE TERMS I'M UNFAMILIAR WITH. A seller of my people, a snitch, an informant, and a murderer. WHO? gABRIEL? Hybrids are a mix of the native animal-like Alenes and the imported Humans. THIS IS BEGINNING TO READ LIKE PURE, UNINTERESTING, AND TOO-SOON PLACED EXPOSITION. I'M NOT EVEN FULLY HOOKED INTO THE NOW OF THE STORY AND YOU'RE EXPLAINING WHAT FEELS TO ME LKE UNINTERESTING AND IRRELEVANT DETAILS. i BET THEY WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING IN A FEW PAGES IF IT WAS SET UP RIGHT, THOUGH. We are basically human but with animalistic tendencies. Beautiful, powerful, and vicious, Gabriel was every Hybrid's worst nightmare. MORE EXPOSITION.
The moment I opened my mouth to speak, I felt a crunching kick to my right cheekbone. As my gaze focused on the offending white boot, I saw it was attached to a rather shapely calf. i'M STILL NOT SURE WHEN THIS HAPPENED...NOW OR THEN.
posted
I seem to have forgotten a couple of important things.
1. Welcome to hatrack.
2. As a first attempt at scifi this exhibits both promise as well as many of the typical problems I'm used to seeing from beginners. The promise is in your ability to write and a strong grasp of the language. Details like weaving in exposition and creating a powerful opening hook are, beilieve it or not, subservient if you have that grasp. I have tried, but I have long since given up trying to help people with hopelessly bad spelling and grammar. I do, however, continue to enjoy pointing out suggestions about how to get a strong hook and how to ease in exposition and how to show rather than tell.
posted
This board is for 18 and over. Kathleen will rain down fire on you if you start cussing at the other members in a discussion but as part of a story it's ok. The software will bleeep the F word though.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Please let me know if this is more acceptable or if it reeks too.
The moon was just above the horizon and my back was aching. We’d been walking all day. Now, gray clouds were hanging in the night sky. We needed shelter, fast, but hadn’t found anything suitable.
Nina looked at me with her silver eyes twinkling and asked, “You're not getting scared are you?”
She looked lovely in her traveling leathers though I'd never tell her that I thought so. “Perhaps mildly concerned for our welfare would be a more accurate way of describing it. Let me guess, you are not one bit frightened that Gabriel might come around that rock face after us. Am I right?”
Her neck stiffened to a ridiculous length as she said, “Let him come.”
Finding the cave was sheer luck. I doubt we would have made it much farther without running into trouble. As I sat down to shake the rocks and sand out of my boots, Nina crossed the floor and slid herself down beside me.
Her brow furrowed as she asked, “What do you think they will do to the others when they see that we are gone?”
I thought about that for a moment, and realized that they were dead already. Gabriel would assume that the others knew where we were, even though they didn't.
I said, “Grab that lantern and follow me.”
There was a wall of rock that seemed to be the end of the cave, but was open on one side. When I shined the light through the opening, an entire cavern lay ahead of us.
I said, “Do you feel up to an adventure?” I looked back to smile at Nina but she had already pushed past me and was squeezing herself through the narrow passage. Of course, I had to follow suit.
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
posted
This reads a little better. Work on your formatting of your text.
Example: Start a new paragraph with each new speaker. Properly formatted text is much easier to read and understand. The space between words and paragraphs are as much a part of writing as punctuation or spelling.
posted
This is much easier to follow and feels like a much more natural place to begin. I have one suggestion:
"I thought about that for a moment and then said, “Grab that lantern and follow me.”"
I would like to know more about the narrator's thought processes here. What did he think about? What line of reasoning to he follow? What conclusions did he reach? All this may help us both know him better and understand the problem.
posted
I like this version much more than the first version! It's much clearer, and it's very easy to read. Good work.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Now let me throw in a monkey wrench and say -- I like the first version better! In the 2nd, it was hard for me to know what the conversation was about ... and it was just a conversation. The 1st seemed more exciting. But I did agree there was a lot packed into that paragraph! I liked it when she was coming to. Maybe you could go to a new paragraph and talk about Gabriel, concentrating on how she feels about him more than why (which I think you already did). Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Well, you see, what happened is this- I actually posted an exerpt of the story first expecting a review of the general writing/story line. Then I put up the beginning when I realized that I hadn't made it clear that the exerpt was not the actual beginning. My fault, sorry. Both parts are in the story.
[This message has been edited by JennyMac (edited January 21, 2005).]
posted
First person isn't bad...but it needs to serve a purpose (like any POV choice) and it needs to be written with that purpose in mind. A main character's first person running narrative is almost always a mistake, and it is the most common form of first person produced by novice writers (which makes it a double mistake if you want to get out of the slushpile).
Second version all the way, with a caveat. If the POV character is one of these Hybrids, then you're missing a whole bunch of chances to discretely reveal information about what Hybrids are and what they look like in this passage (as well as some milieu information).
quote:The moon was just above the horizon and my back was aching (despite/because of feature X of Hybrid spines, perhaps). We’d been walking all day(which is about X distance in Y time). Now, gray clouds were hanging in the night sky. We needed shelter, fast, but hadn’t found anything suitable (for Hybrids, who need X, Y, and Z).
Nina looked at me with her silver eyes twinkling (in her Hybrid/non-Hybrid face) and asked, “You're not getting scared are you?”
She looked lovely (because of) in her traveling leathers though I'd never tell her that I thought so. “Perhaps mildly concerned for our welfare would be a more accurate way of describing it. Let me guess, you are not one bit frightened that Gabriel might come around that rock face after us. Am I right?”
Her neck stiffened to a ridiculous length ([even] for a Hybrid/human) as she said, “Let him come.”
(perfect place for a one paragraph reason that the POV character thinks this is a pretty brave/stupid/sensible thing to say)
Finding the cave was sheer luck. I doubt we would have made it much farther without running into trouble(what kind of trouble?). As I sat down to shake the rocks and sand out of my boots (regular boots? how boring), Nina crossed the floor (in manner X) and slid herself down beside me.
Her brow furrowed as she asked, “What do you think they will do to the others when they see that we are gone?”
I thought about that for a moment, and realized that they(replace "they" with a something a bit more concrete) were dead already. Gabriel would assume that the others knew where we were, even though they didn't. (finish the thought, let us know why and how he avoids the question)
I said, “Grab that lantern and follow me.”
There was a wall of rock that seemed to be the end of the cave, but was open on one side(relative size of opening, perhaps to their bodies?). When I shined the light through the opening, an entire cavern lay ahead of us.
I said, “Do you feel up to an adventure?” I looked back to smile at Nina but she had already pushed past me and was squeezing herself through the narrow passage(Yeah, that's just kinda dumb. If she's already pushed past him, he'd have to be pretty dense to look back like that). Of course, I had to follow suit.
I'm not recommending that you use every opening I've pointed out, just that you have plenty of opportunity to hint that the POV isn't human and yet you didn't even hint at it. That will be a major problem for the readers when you do reveal that the character isn't human.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
it was Gabriel. WHO? I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THE NEXT SENTENCE TO EXPLAIN. The last thing I could remember was having been on the cavern shore and taking aim at a metallic bird. THIS SENTENCE SEEMS LIKE IT BELONGS IN A NEW PARAGRAPH. I tried to get up but I could barely move, I was tied to stakes driven into the floor. WHEN DID YOU TRY TO GET UP? IN THE FLASHBACK OR IN THE PRESENT OF THE STORY? Gabriel was the Advocate for the Hybrids. Which basically meant he was an executioner for the Judges. YOU KEEP JUMPING AROUND; THIS IS DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW. IT ALSO FEELS LIKE THE STUFF OF MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS ALTHOUGH I'M NOT ENTIRELY CERTAIN WHERE THE BREAKS SHOULD GO. YOU INTRODUCE WHO GABRIEL WAS BY THROWING OUT MORE TERMS I'M UNFAMILIAR WITH. A seller of my people, a snitch, an informant, and a murderer. WHO? gABRIEL? Hybrids are a mix of the native animal-like Alenes and the imported Humans. THIS IS BEGINNING TO READ LIKE PURE, UNINTERESTING, AND TOO-SOON PLACED EXPOSITION. I'M NOT EVEN FULLY HOOKED INTO THE NOW OF THE STORY AND YOU'RE EXPLAINING WHAT FEELS TO ME LKE UNINTERESTING AND IRRELEVANT DETAILS. i BET THEY WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING IN A FEW PAGES IF IT WAS SET UP RIGHT, THOUGH. 
