The Hope of Shelter

Angry and unrelenting, the rain hammered at them for the sixth night in a row. Were it not for the heat of high summer, exposure alone would have already killed them.
Bobby crouched under the failing cover of a magnolia and stared out over the muddy road, straining for the sounds of dogs. Four times now, in the last two weeks, farmer’s dogs had nearly caught them. They had taught him caution, those dogs. They had also taught him to approach the houses alone. Angie wasn’t up to running from them anymore.
He glanced back through the downpour to where she sat, uphill from him under a thick pine. The tarp she held tight around her had a few holes in it, but it was enough to cover her from the direct effects of the rain, even if it did little to keep the humidity out. It was just too wet for that these days.
Bobby turned back to the road, listening again. The farmhouse jutted up from the hillside about a hundred yards off, with a few outbuildings scattered off to one side. The windows shone with electric lights, a good sign. If the electricity was still on, then these people might be a little more receptive. He just wished he knew whether or not they had dogs. And whether or not they’d set them loose when they saw him.

Here goes.

Angry and unrelenting, the rain hammered at them for the sixth night in a row.

I like this first sentence, even with the “them.” If you keep it, the next sentence should tell me who they are. I’m going to borrow the first sentence of your next paragraph, because it’s easy. How does this sound?

Angry and unrelenting, the rain hammered at them for the sixth night in a row. Bobby and Angie crouched under the failing cover of a magnolia and stared out over the muddy road, straining for the sounds of dogs.

I have no problem with an unclear point of view in the first paragraph if you’re creating a picture. This is just something I saw right away, on my second, more detailed reading. Given the above, the Second paragraph would have to start with a firm point of view. You work with it as you see fit, of course.

The second sentence bothered me.

Were it not for the heat of high summer, exposure alone would have already killed them.

Why complicate the tenses? Also, “were it not” is a form of “to be,” and passive. Remember, passive voice is ok if not overused. And watch out for extra words, like “already,” “alone,” and “high.” Does the following work?

Exposure would have killed them, had it not been for the heat of summer.

I imagine overuse of streamlined writing would get tiresome after a while too, but at least if you streamline first you can add the extra words later, for effect, and that way you’ll know that every word has a purpose.

…I like that observation. I’ll try it in my own work!

Four times now, in the last two weeks, farmer’s dogs (had) nearly caught them. They (had) taught him caution, those dogs. They (had) also taught him to approach the houses alone. Angie (wasn’t up to) running from them anymore.

Am I the only one who notices the excessive use of the word “had?” “Wasn’t” is passive, in spite of the negative. Compare to: Angie refused to run any more. Can you find a more descriptive replacement for the second use of the word “dogs?”

He (or say Bobby) glanced back through the downpour to where she sat, uphill from him under a thick pine. The tarp she (or say Angie) held tight around her had a few holes in it, but (it was) enough to cover her from the direct effects of the rain, even if it did little to keep the humidity out. (It was) just too wet for that these days.

Bobby turned back to the road, listening again. The farmhouse jutted up from the hillside about a hundred yards off, with a few outbuildings scattered off to one side. The windows shone with electric lights, a good sign. If the electricity was still on, then these people might be a little more receptive. He just wished he knew whether or not they had dogs. And whether or not they’d set them loose when they saw him.

The repeated thought about electricity in two sentences jumped out at me. Can you combine the sentences?

This piece doesn’t yet have that wonderful narrator’s voice you’ve accomplished in past work I’ve seen of yours. I know you’ll get there.

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How do I create those nifty little quote boxes I've seen in other posts? Sure would make my posts easier to read.

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It's html, or something like it; I'm not quite sure. But either way you write - not the quotation marks, but what's in between- and you replace the () with []:

"(QUOTE)text text text(/QUOTE)"
exactly like that, although quote doesn't have to be in caps.

And, for goodness sakes! If you don't use a bit of passivity here and there, you're readers will seize up and keel over from over-excitement...

Jeez, some people.

Oh, and the reason it's not "Bobby and Angie crouched under the yadda yadda," is because Angie's up the hill a ways, huddling under a tarp.

The reason Angie isn't up to running anymore is because she's eight and a half-months pregnant. She couldn't do it whether she wanted to or not.

This story is set in a not-necessarily-post-apocalyptic world, but one where things are going bad. A team of astronauts, engineers, and rock minors have moved an asteroid into earth orbit for excavation and habitation. Only the companies involved neglected to consider the environmental impact the gravity would have on the Earth's tides and ocean currents. As a result, a semi-large section of the Antarctic Ice shelf broke off and melted, drowning the coasts over the last few years and changing the environment a bit.
The governments are still in place, but the earthwide disaster has made social chaos a bit more prevalent, and created a WHOLE lot of refugees. In the US, the national Guard and military are trying to keep things safe, but they can't be everywhere.
Bobby and Angie's home was drowned, and they are moving inland, seeking shelter from the rain and a few bad people who are preying on refugees. They need shelter for the birth of their baby.
Only, not everyone is receptive.
It's sort of a conflict between the Ideal of Civilization and the darker Desire for Chaos.

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I imagine overuse of streamlined writing would get tiresome after a while too, but at least if you streamline first you can add the extra words later, for effect, and that way you’ll know that every word has a purpose.

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Thanks for the explanations, Netstorm. Writer always knows best. Gets hard with just 13 lines, doesn’t it?

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Remember, passive voice is ok if not overused.

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I’m going to like this quote thing if it worked for me. Thank you.

Reason for edit: The quote boxes, of course. Amazing, the things you learn by asking.

But Netstorm, were you looking for people to read more of this? Or just asking about the passive voice?

Oh, and Survivor, the reason the dogs are not simply frightening to Bobby, but actually dangerous, is that these are farmers' guard dogs. They aren't out to scare people. They're out to attack intruders.
When you're wandering on foot from town to town, dogs are much more than a nuisance.

I didn't withhold it. It's just beyond the 13 line limit.

's what we in the business call a hook, My Dear.