posted
This psychological evaluation wasn’t going well. I asked, “Why these stupid games? I know that I have to play along, but why?” My head ached from role playing for the last two hours.
Gerald picked up his pencil and said, “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy it much either, but it has to be done.”
I really appreciated Gerald’s help, but I had no idea how these tests could possibly benefit my mental state. Maybe he was too intelligent to reach down to my mediocre level of comprehension, or perhaps he already had reached me without my knowledge.
“Besides,” Gerald smiled and said, “Here with me is better than in prison for murder.”
posted
Hi, I think this needs more work on setting the scene. I really had no idea where we were, the only clue was that Gerald picked up the pencil and I assumed it was from a desk. It was hard to picture.
Also: a lot of Sci-fi readers will think that '2 hours of role-playing' is a very short session of Dungeons and Dragons.
The psychological assessment opening may prove to be good but is more likely a set-up for a slow-paced start.
Is there another place in the story you could just as easily start?
Keep at it.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 24, 2005).]
posted
I'm not having a huge problem with the setting, but perhaps you should say whether this is a private practice office, a counselor's office at school or whatever, or something else. Something that would also clarify how long Gerald's been on Sarah's case. If this isn't your opening and you mention it earlier in the text, then say so.
Per usual, I'm not thrilled with the character's first person running narrative thing, but I can usually tolerate it.
I like your little hook of implying that--in the sober judgement of her mental health professional--ending up in prison for murder is a possible alternative to this role-playing session. Of course, you'll have to juggle justifying that assertion and Gerald's current lack of serious concern over it. Maybe you're having Sarah be an unreliable narrator who just doesn't notice things like that, but that isn't generally a good idea in a running narrative like this.
posted
This may just be a pet peeve, but I don’t like open-ended teasers.
For example, “This psychological evaluation wasn’t going well” does nothing but beg the question of WHY it’s not going well.
Perhaps something like this would be better: “My psychological evaluation said I was a sociopath with an inadequate personality.”
In that same vein, “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy it much either, but it has to be done” also begs the question of WHAT is being done.
Perhaps this would be better: “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy drilling holes in peoples’ heads to let the evil spirits out.”
Do you see what I’m trying to get at here? It doesn’t do much for me to offer a vague hint that something strange is going on. It’s much more effective to tell me EXACTLY what’s going on, right up front.
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