posted
This is my first time writing a complete story like this. The idea came from a friend who asked some advice on a story he was writing, and I liked my advice so much that I decided to write it myself.
I'm pretty new to this, so any feedback would be great. I love stories, and I love the idea that I can make my own.
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A Place to Stay:
“But your parking lot is empty!” Said the customer across the admission desk of the small motel. The man behind the counter, Charles, a thirty-something motel manager who was not at all pleased with his current station in life, did not flinch at the younger man’s angry pleadings for a free room. “Look, this isn’t a homeless shelter, it’s a business!” he replied, “If I gave out free rooms to every…” “But my wife is pregnant!” interrupted the young man, “Any day now the baby’s going to come and the roads are closed! We can’t get to my family’s house!” “No!” answered Charles, angrily. As he said this, he caught the reflected light on a tear forming in the eye of the young man. The anger that Charles was feeling was briefly tainted by guilt, as he realized the desperation of the soon-to-be father. “Look,” Charles continued, a little calmer, “I’m only the manager here. If I start...
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Thanks to anyone who takes an interest in this!
----- AIM: dmwest123
[This message has been edited by quiden (edited January 25, 2005).]
posted
Aside from the obvious replay of the Nativity, the first thing that jumps out at me is:
quote:The anger that Charles was feeling was briefly tainted by guilt, as he realized the desperation of the soon-to-be father.
This is passive, and awkward. Since you're new to this, I'll just give you an example of a better way to say this: "The soon-to-be father's desperation tainted Charle's anger with guilt."
Or
"Charles began to feel guilty as he realized he was being angry with a man only desperate because of his child's impending birth."
See the differences?
By the way, Welcome to the Rack. Hatrack, that is. Black Gold, texas... yeah.
posted
A quick comment on the overall gist: The concept of redoing the nativity story has been done over and over again (I assume, since I haven't actually read them all). I appreciate that you're telling this story, seemingly, from the point of view of the motel worker, though. It could be an interesting twist and would be enough to convince me to keep reading.
Some of your prose seems heavy-handed:
"a thirty-something motel manager who was not at all pleased with his current station in life"
Is this really how he thinks of himself? What makes him think about it at that moment? Perhaps showing his misery through his reactions to everyday things would be a better way to address this. Also, "station in life" is cliche.
And I often tell people the same thing: it might not be the best idea to start the story with dialogue. It is often acceptable if the dialogue is particularly evocative or if it is the hook itself. In this case, it might work as a way to jump into the middle of the action. Oh. And I hate exclamation marks. They're like puffer fish. If prepared incorrectly, it is poisonous.
posted
Regarding interruptions and writing the dialogue for them, it's usually handled as follows:
"So that's why Joanna said. Can you believe it? Where did that come from? Like I know. And I said to her that I wasn't going to listen to her anymore, because she's a no good, dirty--"
"Will you please just shut up!"
~
It works equally well in narrative, too. You can be in a character's head, having them thinking about--
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