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Okay, here's one of the few things I've written that I think could be classified as a fantasy piece, and I'd like to know what people think of it. Naturally, I'm a bit apprehensive, since this is my first time posting a story here, but I hope you like it. It's called "The Invisible Picture Book."
It was said by those who lived on the lake that there had never been a clearer or more beautiful morning than the one in April when a small girl was born in an earthen hovel. The weeks before had been cold and damp, the rain pouring down continually, bringing with it an impenetrable mist that seemed to limit the world to a sphere of twenty feet. But the night before the girl’s birth, the rain stopped, leaving only a refreshing coolness in the air. And the next morning, the town on the lake saw that the mists had risen and the lake was a beautiful emerald once more, the red and green mountains sequestering the silent village away from the “modern” world that was so large and ordered. The day continued to be bright and cheerful, the clouds fluffy and the sky the color of a robin’s egg. And later that night, the rains came again.
Agatha’s mother had said that it was good to be born under such a favorable omen, and that Agatha would undoubtedly have some greater purpose in life. As Agatha grew, she always remembered her mother’s words in sorrow, for in her mind the good omen of the clear morning was nothing compared to the omen of her father’s death the day before her own birth, or the omen of the older brother who had been stillborn on the same day two years earlier. But she slowly learned to smile as she grew, until her smile became famous throughout the small town on the lake.
There is some nice imagery in this scene. My only question is why are you summarizing the event of Agatha's birth? I personally would love to read the events as they occurred. That is if this has importance to the story. If this was not a key element to the story why spend so much work building this scene?
This scene has the possibility of a great hook, suspense, beauty, and even a magical quality if you built it into a full fledged part of the story.
I mean the death is haunting the family, the impending birth may also result in death to the child or the mother, the weather is terrible and foreboding. This is a lot of tension and good material to use as story rather than a summary.
Here is an example of what I mean:
Summary: Mom gave birth to me. Story: Pain wracked Carol's body. Fear bit into her mind and her heart thumped. "Something's wrong!" somebody said. Her body tensed again and there was a popping sound and blood gushed. "My God! Somebody help me here-- If I can't stop the bleeding she's gonna die!" "My baby--is my baby okay?"
Which version would provide the greatest drama, tension, and connection?
I look forward to seeing more of your work. JB Skaggs
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I like this one. The second paragraph is well set up by the first, and has drawn me into the story to find out more about Agatha.It feels like we are in memory of Agatha as she recalls certain events in her life.
For me this one works well, and you will struggle to improve this opening in my eyes.
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Does anybody want to read the complete thing? It's about four pages of twelve-point type, single spaced. If there's anybody who wants to read the whole thing, go ahead and post it here or email me at danielthurot@hotmail.com
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Send it along, but I may not be able to get back to you until after the weekend. Rushed off my feet right now with work.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
This looks intriguing. I'll read. Don't post it, this site's for the first 13 only. Besides, if you want to eventually submit it somewhere, you want to avoid misconstruing this as a first publication.
Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2004
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My thought so far is that a) I wanted more of a hook (there's some toward the end of paragraph 2, but it confuses me that she'd feel sorrow about her father's death since she doesn't remember him) b) it's such a beautiful scene that I wouldn't want to replace it or remove it. Maybe just a hint of a hook, in paragraph 1, but keep the beauty. Especially if there's a sense it's about to be disturbed.
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I thought the first paragraph worked as a sufficient hook. I don't necessarily have to see someone decapitated in the first sentence to keep reading.
By the end of the second sentence, though, as someone above mentioned, I was getting impatient with all the 'told-story' business. I wanted to see some action, of any kind.
Oh, and you don't need to put quotation marks around "modern." The POV of your storyteller is sufficient such that we catch your meaning.
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Thanks for the link, Survivor. I bookmarked it to look at closer later.
I read this story, the whole thing, and did a critique. I found it to be a very powerful short story, told under the guise of a fairytale.
Even Daniel will probably agree, revisions will improve it, but after seeing his overall intent, I realized I needed to make allowances for things I would normally rip into, like passive voice, and the distancing effect of a certain style, and some descriptions.
...it's very hard to judge by the first 13. This is a short enough one that it's not a chore to read. In this case, a careful reading of the piece, one that picks up on some of the author's intentions, reveals a story richer than average.
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