posted
Following some very helpful comments, I revised the opening of that piece. Does this grab you, or are you bored to tears? Thanks in advance for the comments.
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They made me a ball of fire to play with, and laughed when I burnt the skin from my hips trying to send it in the air.
I knew I could not win their ball game, for it had been rigged since the beginning; the three lords of the underworld would never let me, a mere mortal, defeat them and bring my husband back to life. From the darkness where they sat, there was only silence, and the distant glimmer of otherworldly eyes. I saw only the ball. It traced its burning arc through the air, bouncing off the obsidian walls.
One passage of the ball through the hoop on the wall was all I needed to win. I turned and twisted, trying to reach the dark ring, always failing: no matter how I struck the ball, with hand or hip or knee, there was always someone to stand in its path.
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited February 18, 2005).]
posted
If Silver wants readers for this, everyone here should jump at the chance. I've seen it already, and it is simply terrific -- astoundingly powerful.
As to the new opening, I think it's a little better. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a little cumbersome. And there is a little trouble for me when you speak of seeing an otherworldly glimmer from eyes, and then immediately say that the character can only see the ball. But that's nitpicky. You need fresh readers to tell you if the opening grabs them; I already know the story is great.
posted
Hi, Silver3. I'm new to the site, but wanted to offer some comments on the opening.
I'm going to take off my writer hat and put on my reader hat. That's for your benefit since I'm a much pickier reader than writer.
What usually draws me into a story (as a reader) is the "immediacy" of the story. What I mean by that is how close to the story the author is putting me. The show versus tell situation. I can make it through the "tell" parts, but it's work. What I like is when the writer tricks me into seeing the world of the story.
Like, say I told you to absolutely, positively, totally refrain from thinking about a bright red apple right now. You didn't think of one, did you? In my case, if someone mentions an object (or action) I'm familiar with, I can't help but picture it. You mention that stuff, I'm picturing it. And that's what basically draws me into a story.
So, "they made me a ball of fire to play with" drew me in. I know fire, I can picture a ball of fire. Two ordinary things put together to make a really vivid unusual thing.
But most of the second paragraph shoved me back out of the story. I was distant from the story, being "told" things I wasn't allowed to experience. Especially, "otherworldly eyes." I have no idea how to picture those.
I mean, I'll follow you to the depths of Mordor with boatloads of otherworldliness as long as the path is lined with stones, trees, rivers, leaves, loaves of bread, metal pots, shoes, grey skies etc. etc. Ordinary things put together in such a way as they provide an overall otherworldly effect.
"It traced its burning arc through the air, bouncing off the obsidian walls." Now I'm back in the story, and I'm a happy reader. (Don't know what obsidian means, but that's my fault.)
"no matter how I struck the ball, with hand or hip or knee, there was always someone to stand in its path" This pushes me back out of the story. I could probably picture any one of these attempts to hit the ball separately, but not all of them together.
Anyway, I like the story concept so if you are looking for readers, send me a copy.
david_a_allen@yahoo.com
[This message has been edited by D_Allen (edited February 21, 2005).]
posted
I am a big fan of Meso American myth's and this fits right in.
My only comment is to show the game a little better. Show us the action of how she lost the skin on her hips, how the opponents block her, etc If one is not familiar with the ball game of the meso indians then they may not be able to picture the court, game play, or the pantheon of gods.
In describing something with physical danger, I like short sentences describing what's happening with little interpretation. As in:
John knocked Bill's arm aside with his own; by that much, the knife missed. He drove his other first straight for Bill's solar plexus. Bill shifted aside, and John fell forward, toward the blade Bill brought right to his stomach. It went in.
posted
It feels a bit...self-contradictory. I had to keep looking back up at previous statements to reconcile them with later statements, and it wasn't always easy to come up with a satisfying meaning.
It looks a lot like what I remember from before, for that matter. I don't know whether it is actually all that similar, so that could be just because it has too many contradictory statements and I tend to assume that means something hasn't been carefully rewritten.
For all of that, I like the imagery I was able to get from this. It just felt like I was having to put a lot of work into extracting it.
quote:They made me a ball of fire to play with, and laughed when I burnt the skin from my hips trying to send it in the air.
I had trouble visualizing this line. I don't have any experience with ball games where people use their hips to launch the ball. In my attempt to visualize it, the ball momentarily became a ring of fire that the narrator was using like a hula hoop. Does she have to use her hips? If so, maybe just a little more description on how exactly it's done would make it easier to see what's happening. Otherwise, the imagery is quite vivid. Even though that first line tripped me up a bit, I would keep reading the story.
posted
MCameron, try visualizing the many ways people can throw a ball. I could easily see hips being burnt if someone leaned back a certain way to launch a ball.
Good thing this character wasn't doing "old style" basketball free throws when the ball passed between their legs. Ouch!
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited February 21, 2005).]
posted
Not really basketball, think of a sport predating basketball, where you don't use your hands. A bit like acrobatic football or like the sport they play here in Asia, which is like volleyball except no hands.
I think the problem here is that the POV character knows the game, and the reader doesn't. The only real way to explain the game is to show how it is played. I for one could not evisage the hip strikes used, but then I have never been very acrobatic.
posted
Like a couple other people already mentioned, this makes me think of the Mayans. I think your opening sentence is stunningly lyrical, and I'd love to read the whole thing. Please send it over and tell me what level (if any) crit you want, I'm interested.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Sorry, I was away from my computer for a whole week... Anyway, I'm in the process of rewriting the story, and I don't need readers right now. But thanks for the comments. That opening definitely needs more work.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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