posted
I just wrote this in one quick sitting, so it is a rough first draft. Very short, looking for readers and crits on the whole thing, and/or comments on the first bit.
Here goes:
. . . and then there was the Weikal woman. Oh! What splendors, what wonders, the Weikal woman could produce.
You think her a phantom of my imagination I am sure, the equivalent of an invisible friend no doubt, but I am not going to give in to your labels so easily. She was real; she is out there still, giving her Weikals to the ones who seek her, the ones who believe.
One taste of her Weikal wafer, and I, in my child’s scuffed shoes and silly dress-up cape would suddenly feel my blood surge and roar and I would soar—Oh so high!—not play-acting anymore but really flying.
It was heaven, to feel my shoes leave the hot and dusty blacktop, to linger for a moment just out of reach of the grasping fingers of a nearby statue, then brush swiftly over the tall and ugly rooftops and leave it all behind.
Note: I woke up one morning when I was about 12 with this first sentence in my head, and the concept of soaring, and have never done anything with it until tonight.
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited February 23, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited February 23, 2005).]
posted
I'm glad you found time to write something, autumnmuse. That is more than half of the battle.
This is an intriguing opening. Question: Is the entire story a remembrance of what had happened, or does the narrator (who has a unique voice, by the way) find the Weikal woman in the present? It's hard to say where this will go. Sort of reminds me of the Peter Pan, of course -- the flying and pretending bits do that.
Anyway, if the narrator does move away from the past in a renewed search for the Weikal woman, you might consider hinting at it in some way in this opening. Perhaps this happens in the lines that follow -- 13 lines can be very difficult to see where a story is going...
I enjoy the lyrical voice and the breezy feel to this. I'd be happy to see the rest. I agree with HSO that it needs a touch of direction, but if that's handled fairly soon after this point I don't think it's a problem.
The only thing that really bumped me was the--Oh so high!--aside, and only because of the exclamation point, I think. It seemed too sharp for the whispery tone of the rest.
posted
Thanks guys, I just sent it so if you didn't get it let me know.
HSO, yes that is leading up to the present, and yes the weikal woman returns, more than once, but since the story is so short, it would take me almost as long to explain how as it would for you to read it. For purposes of the first 13 lines, I left out the first line because it is the frame for the story, but I'll put it here in case it helps at all:
<Excerpt from Subject Interview 1-309-42-5>
Is how the story actually starts.
BTW, I am still looking for readers. If the story doesn't grab you, fine, but even a comment to that effect would be appreciated! Thanks!
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited February 23, 2005).]
posted
The opening describes the wonder of it all, but we need to SEE what's so wonderful, so we can make up our own minds. Being told something is wonderful isn't as compelling as being shown something wonderful so we think "Wow, that's wonderful, I'm gonna read on." Good luck.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2005
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