posted
Hi. What's the stance on rewriting folk-tales / lore & coming up with a fresh story?
I've had this idea for a story that is mainly based on a japanese fairy tale that i found on the web a while ago. I dont think the story is very well known outside of japan. The website I read it on was concerned with translation work more than fiction. Also, the version I read was very short and full of some very strange english due to the translation process.
Anyways, I thought about this story & thought that I could do a great job (yeah right, who am i trying to kid) of working it into some kind of oriental fantasy setting, with loads of magic and great twist at the end. The scenario would be my take on japanese fantasy though i guess, seeing as I've never been there & only watched a handfull of kung-fu films & the ring.
Anyway, I started the beginning so that I'd remember the concept & be able to come back to it at some point.
Here's the first 13:
I glance at the purple clay teapot. The gently simmering liquid within shows me that it is ready to poor. The surface rippling as it evaporates into an aromatic steam drifting towards the sky. The bitter, lemon fragrance reaches my senses. The clay retaining a little of the character from the pure leaves within. Perfect and untainted - this pot has only ever cooked Tie-Soi. It has sampled no other flavours with which to contaminate a brew. Anticipation, I think to myself, as the tangy scent stirs a memory of an earlier time. I recall how the turtle once taught me the value of this word. ‘To taste of the tea is but half of the enjoyment. The rest is in anticipation. Look how you try to rush in its making. Learn to savour the waiting and your enjoyment will become complete’, she had said. ‘But what of its completion’, I had asked, trying to be witty. ‘Would I not also enjoy knowing that the tea is in my belly and look back with satisfaction’. ‘Looking back can only lead to sadness. Sadness of good times gone by, that cannot be relived.
posted
Although not much is happening yet (besides turtles talking, which doesn't hook me since this is fantasy), for some reason this doesn't bother me. Something about this text invites me to slow down and enjoy the words.
>It has sampled no other flavours with which to contaminate a brew. Seems redundant, given prev sentence
>I recall how the turtle once taught me the value of this word. What turtle? If it's just some turtle, you could say "a turtle."
At this point I lose interest, for these reasons: one, we're away from the sensuality of the paragraph about the teakettle, which was the draw. I know we'll have to leave soon, but, two, we go into philosophizing, which doesn't interest me, and there's no struggle or conflict in this part to drag me in.
Also, in this part, you're doing flashback -- which is fine, but it does have a cost, and you just started the story. If the turtle conversation is where to start, why not start there? (And whether you do or not -- where is the turtle conversation? Who's there? What's happening? If you set the scene for that, with the level of detail you give about the teakettle, I'd like that too.)
posted
Okay. Thanks for comments. It's a bit of a tricky one to explain this.
But this guy who's having the cup of tea is the main character. The idea I have is that this novel is going to start at the end....well near the end anyway. He's had to put his perspective of events down in his own writings. He's in a king of limbo type place and will be judged on his actions & his reasons for them, which he has had to write in a book for all to read. He's just having a final breather and drink before adding the last few lines to the story.
The turtle scene is going to be a conversation near the beginning, but not quite the beginning. But it will be a spot where the reader thinks - ahhh. this is what all that turtle nonsense was about. It's just 1 turtle. A magic one. You can get on its back and it takes you somewhere special. btw...sounds a bit like terry pratchet i suppose, but this is how the fairy tale goes.
The beginning starts in a few more lines time. The cup of tea guy starts remembering back to how 'this all started' and then off we go.
A lot of this can change btw. I just started this passage like I said so that I can come back to it after working on something else.
Your intro: It's good writing, but it doesn't really grab me. And, as already mentioned, there's that flashback thing. You might consider asking yourself: "Where does this story really start?" Is it with madam Turtle, or later? It's often said that a flashback this soon is indication that an author is starting their story in the wrong place. Keep that in mind.
posted
The sentence fragments really threw me - whenever I run into an incomplete sentence I have to stop and try to figure out if the author really meant to do that, and if they're competant enough to be playing fast and loose with sentences like that, and if the incomplete sentences had the desired effect. Present tense writing has the same effect for me. So I am afraid I spent most of your opening thinking about your technique, instead of reading the story - that's not a good thing.
The description is nice (could be tightened up some) but I am not as engaged as wbriggs was.
I agree that the second paragraph lost me even more. I question popping into a flashback so soon in the beginning - if that's where the story really starts, maybe you should start there - if that's just a memory that you're using to set the mood or something, I'd try to find another way to do that.
posted
oh and: our stance on rewriting fairy tales is that we are all for it. I love rewriting fairy tales. Check out dakota's rewrite challenge for some company.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Why not deliver the story linear fashion, then at the end show that he has been recalling the event in a book, then you can pick up and have the final judgement, personal satori, or whatever.
Far less time loops.
It's my personal bias But I like simplicity in stories and think that anything that confuses (or might confuse) must be PURPOSELY CHOSEN to be in the story.
posted
I like introspection and stories that start at the end. But I do hope that the present tense writing fizzles out within a few more sentences because I seldom read more than a half page of it before putting down a book. I once canceled a subscription to a fantasy and science fiction magazine because it kept printing present tense stories.
I do like repetition as well but tend to combine repeditive sentences. Perhaps changing "...Tie-Soi. It has sampled..." to "...Tie-Soi, sampling..." would help?
IIRC the US and UK conventions for quotation mark placement relative to commas are dissimilar. What is the UK convention for " " versus ' '?
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited March 15, 2005).]
posted
You have a nice literary flair in your word choice and rhythm. The language is delightful, though I'm not sure about your hook. A conversation about tea just doesn't grab me.
I'm concerned about your verb tenses. You begin in present tense (which actually doesn't bother me; tons of popular fiction out there right now is written in the same tense), but when you hit the flashback you go to past perfect--"had." When going to a flashback in present-tense writing, I believe you'd simply go to past tense.
Flashbacks are risky, especially so soon in your tale, but not a serious flaw, IMHO.
I'm the boss over at Rewrite Central. We're actually looking for stories to add to our rewrite lineup. We're kind of taking a walk around the world--started in Norway, then Germany, Greece, some other places that I can't remember right now because my brain is slowly being consumed by the flu.
Anway, if you don't mind, it would be cool to add a Japanese tale to the lineup. Probably in June or July. So, if you're willing, send my the link to the story.
quote:IIRC the US and UK conventions for quotation mark placement relative to commas are dissimilar. What is the UK convention for " " versus ' '?
Either double quotes or single quotes (inverted commas) are acceptable for dialogue, tho' single quotes are more prevalent in the printing industry -- maybe it's to save space. I don't know. But strangely, my English wife was taught to use double quotes for dialogue, and she has no idea why single quotes are used.
The quotation mark / comma placement convention for dialog is the same for both US and UK.
You might be thinking about where to put punctuation after something set apart in quotes. Such as:
[...]and he wastes little time in explaining that Aussies call Americans “Seppos”, or “Seppies”.
The above example is clearly the British standard for punctuation placement--I'm choosing to use double quotes, btw.
Whereas in America, you'd more likely see the same phrase written as follows, with comma and period inside the quotes:
[...]and he wastes little time in explaining that Aussies call Americans “Seppos," or “Seppies.”
As an American, I prefer the UK version of punctuation. It makes more sense to me that way, so that's what I use.
Djvdakota, I've sent you a link to the story in an e-mail. Incase anyone else is interested, the story is called 'Urashima Taro'. Whilst searching for the story on the internet again just now, I've found a bit more info about the tale & also that it has already influenced some other works.
Here's a bit of info I found to explain more:
*** Urashima Taro (浦島太郎) is a Japanese fairy tale about a fisherman who rescues a turtle and is rewarded (or cursed, depending on ones interpretation) with a visit to the Dragon Palace. Variants of this story have developed throughout Oceania and the actual origin is unknown.
The story influenced a number of fictions and movies. Among them are Uruseiyatsura and Love Hina. It is retold in and used as the base for the short story Another Story by Ursula K. Le Guin (published in her story collection A Fisherman of the Inland Sea). ***
I think when I get around to working more on this one, I'll take the comments onboard about including the flashback so early. I get your point on this & will consider if its still needed.
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