posted
Here are the 13 lines of a story I am working on right now - it's not done yet but I thought I would post my first 13 and get some input...
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Piksin tossed a bronze trinket on the anvil in front of him. It was a perfect circle and flat like a coin with an image of a large bird stamped on one side. Rasmus, Piksin’s brother who was about to use the anvil, pointed to the trinket with his hammer. “Where have you been?” Rasmus asked. “And what is that?” “It is nice, isn’t it, brother?” Piksin looked rather excited. “It shines rather bright out in the sun! I bet it’s worth quite some gold!” Rasmus squinted. “How did you get this?” He dropped his hammer by his feet and crossed his arm, staring intently at Piksin. Piksin shrugged. “Well at the tavern of course! Just a quick game of cards is all, and the man could not pay, save this shiny trinket, and that is all I took.” “Fair game, was it?” Rasmus asked. “You did beat him fairly?” And with a whack, Rasmus punched Piksin’s left wrist and two cards fell out of his sleeve. “Again? Can’t you ever play fairly?”
posted
Overall, the story is engaging. You've done a nice job of establishing the personality of the characters. My only comments are that if the trinket is made of bronze, I don't think anyone would think it was worth gold... unless it was encrusted with gems. Perhaps saying "it's worth a few coins", which is a little more vague and gives you more leeway. The other thing I noticed is that the sentence about Rasmus about to use the anvil seems clunky.
Maybe you could add it into his dialog - say, something along the lines of:
Rasmus, Piksin's brother, pointed to the trinket with his hammer. "Where have you been? And in case you can't see, I was about to use that anvil!" He peered closer at the object. "And what is that?"
The more life you can breathe into the story via dialog, the more engaging I think it becomes. It's a lesson I've learned - er, am STILL learning - from reading Uncle Orson's stuff.
posted
So far, it's interesting. I liked the relationship you started with Piksin and Rasmus. It feels real.
I don't know what I think about Rasums punching Piksin's wrist, though. When I think of punching, I think of something a bit too violent to hit a wrist without breaking it. Maybe "slapped" or something to that effect would work better?
Other than that, ditto to all that Elan said. It's got potential!
posted
As the others have said, there's potential here.
Watch out for repetition.
quote:“It is nice, isn’t it, brother?” Piksin looked rather excited. “It shines rather bright out in the sun! I bet it’s worth quite some gold!”
This has "rather" in two sentences in a row. Also, what does "looked rather excited" mean about Piksin? You can do a lot to make the character real by being specific. The way I look excited is different from the way HSO looks excited, which is different from... you get the idea. Give me something concrete about your character.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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quote: The way I look excited is different from the way HSO looks excited, which is different from... you get the idea
I never look excited. I am way to pessimistic and cynical for that to happen. That said, it does leave plenty of room to be 'pleasantly surprised' over a positive outcome.
Right. Story. I'm feeling nitpicky, don't take offense, please.
quote:Piksin tossed a bronze trinket on the anvil in front of him. It was a perfect circle and flat like a coin with an image of a large bird stamped on one side
Since Piskin had been in prior possession of the trinket, my preference would be to use "the trinket" instead of "a trinket". It's one of those curious quirks about articles... when is "the" appropriate rather than "a"? In this case, "the" feels right... in a logical sense, I suppose. But this only applies if Piskin is the POV character. See below, because I'm a bit unclear as to who is the POV. I thought it was Piskin at first.
Second thing. Since the trinket has every appearance of being a coin by the description you give, wouldn't the holder of the trinket just consider it to be a coin -- perhaps special? I know I would. Even it turns out to not be a coin, I would still stubbornly hold on to the most common denominator of "coin". Really, coin says it all for me. It's just human nature... we look for ways to classify things, put them into the simplest terms. So... if it looks like a coin... then...? (Feel free to disagree, it's your story.)
Want more? Okay, you got it. Piskin may indeed be standing before the anvil, but so is Rasmus, who is about to use it. So, in actuality, Piskin has tossed the coin onto the anvil in front of Rasmus. This gives continuity, and you can then lose that (almost punctuated) parenthetical "who was about to use the anvil" bit. Because, we'll know when you tell us that Rasmus points at the coin with his hammer that he was using the anvil. Alternatively, you could just as easily say Rasmus's anvil in the first sentence, which might feel/be awkward, I admit, due to introducing two characters together at once. Of course, if you meant "him" in that first sentence to be Rasmus, well... ahem, I hope not.
Last point (about entire piece). There's a POV issue. My guess is the POV is Rasmus's. Am I correct? Here's where it threw me:
quote:Rasmus, Piksin’s brother who was about to use the anvil, pointed to the trinket with his hammer.
As written, it leads me to think that the POV belongs to Piskin, but then later you say "Piskin looked excited" which can only be from Rasmus's POV. I really don't want to rewrite your intro, but I think you could alleviate the POV problem with a slight change to the first or second sentences so we are clear as to whose POV we are in. If you want me to elaborate further by rewriting it, just ask.
Good luck with your story. It does have potential. The trinket/coin is a good hook.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited March 23, 2005).]
--------------------- Piksin tossed the bronze trinket on the anvil in front of him. It was a perfect circle and flat like a coin but large as the palm of Piksin’s hand with an image of a large bird stamped on one side. Rasmus, Piksin’s brother, pointed to the trinket with a hammer.
“I was about to use that,” Rasmus said. “And what is that?”
“It is nice, isn’t it, brother?” A wide grin grew on Piksin’s face. “It shines rather bright out in the sun! I bet it’s worth quite a few coins!”
Rasmus squinted. “How did you get this?” He dropped his hammer by his feet and crossed his arms, staring intently at Piksin.
Piksin shrugged. “Down at the Maw of course! Just a quick game of cards is all, and the man could not pay, save this shiny trinket, and that is all I took.”
“Fair game, was it?” Rasmus asked. “You did beat him fairly?” And with a whack, Rasmus swiftly slapped Piksin’s left wrist and two cards fell out of his sleeve. “Again? Can’t you ever play fairly?”
Misplaced modifier--the way you have it worded, Rasmus was about to use the trinket, not the anvil.
quote:"Fair game, was it?" Rasmus asked.
Since Piksin never said that it was a fair game, it doesn't seem to me that Rasmus would ask about it like this. This sounds more like a disbelieving echo to me. If you just changed it to "Was it a fair game?" or something similar, I think it would flow better.
Otherwise, I like it!
[This message has been edited by Jaina (edited March 24, 2005).]
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