Of course he left me the surname Grey and, according to everyone, my face. But the only tangible relics are from my father’s old sea bag—a tarnished brass lock and its key.

Sometimes, after I’ve heard Gram praying over unpaid bills, I’ll come out here by the lake and hold the lock in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her burdens. I’ll grip the chunk of brass, wanting to toss it into the water, knowing I never will. Yet, for once, it’s not Gram’s prayers that have gotten to me. Instead it’s the fact that she’s somehow managed to buy me some nice used terrariums, while from my father I get nothing. Not a card. Not even a phone call. Giving my face one last appraisal, I curse the harsh features he passed to me, spit into the water, then turn to the bicycle rack.

Squatting, I pull my chain through the wheel and fasten the lock. In the distance, I hear Susie’s bell as she pedals closer. Her father runs a counseling center so, after school, she hangs with me. Sometimes, when we stop by Gram’s shop, the customers just rave when they find out who Susie is; Dr. Preston is such a brave man to be rearing you by himself. He must be such a good father.

There's a good hook in the first few sentences, and some excellent character development in the next paragraph.

Really, the only thing to moan about is a few punctuation woes.

Technically, only some nit-picks:

Of course [he]MY FATHER left me the surname Grey and, according to everyone, my face. But the only tangible relics are from [my father’s]HIS old sea bag—a tarnished brass lock and its key. [I WOULD LIKE SOME HINT WHETHER THE NARRATOR'S MALE OR FEMALE.]

Sometimes, after I’ve heard Gram praying over unpaid bills [NICE IMAGE], I’ll come out here by the lake and hold the lock in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her burdens. I’ll grip the chunk of brass, wanting to toss it into the water, knowing I never will. Yet, for once, [I THOUGHT WE WERE IN "SOMETIMES." I LIKE BEING IN A SPECIFIC INCIDENT BETTER. MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE IT A SPECIFIC TIME, AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE "AS I'VE DONE SO OFTEN BEFORE"] it’s not Gram’s prayers that have gotten to me. Instead it’s the fact that she’s somehow managed to buy me some nice used terrariums, while from my father I get nothing. Not a card. Not even a phone call. Giving my face one last appraisal, I curse the harsh features he passed to me, spit into the water, then turn to the bicycle rack.

Squatting, I pull my chain through the wheel and fasten the lock. In the distance, I hear Susie’s bell as she pedals closer. Her father runs a counseling center so, after school, she hangs with me. [I DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION IN HER FATHER'S JOB AND HER HANGING AFTER SCHOOL] Sometimes, when we stop by Gram’s shop, the customers just rave when they find out who Susie is; Dr. Preston is such a brave man to be rearing you by himself. He must be such a good father.

They’d never say such things about Gram. [WHY WOULD THEY? GRAM ISN'T YOUR FATHER. HOW ABOUT: THEY'D NEVER SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT ME]

quote:

---

Sometimes, after I’ve (I have) heard Gram praying over unpaid bills, I’ll (I will) come out here by the lake and hold the lock in my hand, staring at my reflection and wondering if just the sight of me only adds to her burdens. I’ll (I will) grip the chunk of brass, wanting to toss it into the water, knowing I never will.

---

When the contractions are restored, the paragraph reads like - When I see Gram doing that, sometimes I will go to the lake and will want to throw the lock in. - That's fine, but then I read this:

quote:

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Yet, for once, it’s not Gram’s prayers that have gotten to me. Instead it’s the fact that she’s somehow managed to buy me some nice used terrariums, while from my father I get nothing. Not a card. Not even a phone call. Giving my face one last appraisal, I curse the harsh features he passed to me, spit into the water, then turn to the bicycle rack.

---

I understand that you really mean - Sometimes when I see Gram praying over bills I go to the lake, but today I am here because she bought me a gift that she could not afford. -

But when I first read it, it didn't read that way. He seemed to be remembering how he has felt before, what triggered it, and then what he will do, but then we find out that he is not just telling us he will go to the lake, he is already there.

Does that make sense?

Does the character really have to look at his/her own reflection to wonder if his/her presence is a burden? I would think a character could think this without having them see their reflection...

[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited March 30, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited March 30, 2005).]

HSO, glad you liked this one better. I'd be interested though to know what punctuation woes you are referring to. Seems to me that you didn't like my overuse of commas last time, so maybe that's it.

wbriggs, I may take you up on sending you the whole thing. It's about 3k words long. Though I'm curious, if the 'father abandonment' issue doesn't do it for you, then why offer to read the whole thing? The father/son relationship is a huge part of the story. Here's your last chance to renig.

NewsBys, thanks, I agree the tense thing might be a little confusing. I may try something that will hopefully simplify and clear out some contractions.

Wenderella, I wouldn't hurt a fly. The reason I had him associate his reflection with burdening Gram is the fact that he resembles his father so much. The father is the one that initially burdened Gram by leaving her with his son.

By the way, the main character is male. That is revealed in two more paragraphs.

Christine, please do try again. I really do appreciate feedback.

Jaina, I didn't intentionally try to start "in media res". And I'm not sure if I agree that I did. Either way, it's a viable and common method. Thanks for the comment, but I'm going to keep my first paragraph as is.

And finally Kolona, Thanks. I like that line too.

First, I wanted to encourage you to respond to other people's posts. This forum thrives on give and take, and even if you do not feel quite competent to respond, your opinion is all that is asked and the best you can give.

Then I went on to compliment the incredible imagery in this opening. It is not the stereotypical hook, but we were discussing the amateur nature of the stereotypical hook recently in open discussion. What you did was set up character, conflict, and some telling details. In general, it was well done.

My only concern was the tense. If you stay here long enough, you will become quite aware that I am almost always opposed to first person present tense stories, but that isn't entirely the issue I saw here. First, before I could give you my lecture on the badness of this tense in first person (all IMHO, of course ) I have to be convinced that it is written in that tense at all. At first, it didn't read that way. It read like a narrator looking back and musing. Much musing takes place in present tense and so it did not seem like youw er oging there. And then you introduced something that the character has done in the past and continues to do, not in specific, but in general. Again, I did not feel it was written in the first person present tense. When you talk about something you do all the time, it often comes out that way. I might way something like: I sometimes go to the park and listen to the children play. This phrasing indicates that it is continuing, not that it is *currently* happening. I hope that made sense.

Then the general thing seemed to turn into something more specific, but the tense did not change to reflect this. It happens by the last sentence of that paragraph, but I'm not clear on when the transition happens. It was jarring by the time I realized it was happening. It seemed to me as if the way you're telling this story there are two present tenses. The present tense of a narrator musing and relaying the story (Probably on paper because that's the way I usually envision first person but not necessarily.) and the present tense of a time before the story is being relayed that is actually the past but being told in present tense.

Now, because of my well known distaste for the nonsensical and dreamlike nature of first person present tense, I will recommend first that you go to past tense to tell the action of your story. I will add that despite what it seems should happen, readers tend to feel more distant from the story when reading in present tense. This is why it comes across as dreamlike and so can work well as a dream device.

Then, if you must go with present tense, I suggest only that you smooth this over and make it more consistent. Since I'm not very good at present tense I'm afraid I can't go into much detail here. All I can say is that it always goes much better if it is apparent from the start what tense you are writing in, and that readers will come in with a predisposed assumption that it is past tense.

I hope this helps.

quote:

---

Sometimes, when we stop by Gram’s shop, the customers just rave when they find out who Susie is; Dr. Preston is such a brave man to be rearing you by himself. He must be such a good father.

---

The semicolon is inappropriate. And I feel the "raves" should be in quotes. Of course, you don't need to put them in quotes, you can leave them off and let the narrative fly, but then you need something to offset it like this:
***

Sometimes, when we stop by Gram’s shop, the customers just rave when they find out who Susie is: [colon] Dr. Preston is such a brave man to be rearing you by himself, someone says. He must be such a good father, says another.

One thing I noticed on the second readthrough is starting your sentences similarly, specifically using "Sometimes," I dunno, I missed it last time, but it stuck out this time. Consider using another word or starting your sentence in a different fashion.