I would also break up the text you have posted into more paragraphs and explore each one a tad bit more. You began by explaining who Breed was, and then jumped into what happened to him when his father shows up one day, and then you jumped again to show something thats taken place in the present day.

Just some input.
Regards,
Wenderella

[This message has been edited by Wenderella (edited April 01, 2005).]

As it stands, this excerpt reads like something out of a dull history book. Though I'm sure Breed has had a fascinating life (the info you've given hints at that) I have no interest because you've taken too long to explain too little.

If you'd begun with a scene from Breed's life (the day his father takes him from the Hurons for example), and shown me how he felt and what he thought as he tried to get used to the life of a fur trapper, it would have been easier for me to get involved in your story. I would definitely have cared more about a seven year old who's being ripped away from the only community he's known than the sketch you've put up here.

On to the baptism by fire... oh, I mean crit...
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The man known as Breed was the son of a French Canadian fur trapper by the name of Louis Levine and a Huron squaw.(While this introduces your character right away, it isn't super catchy and could probably be intoduced later.) At age two or three years his mother died.(This sentence is redundant -- you could say, "At age two or three..." or you could say, "At two or three years of age..." You do not need both.) Louis took the boy the Huron camp of his mother and he was raised in the tongue of the Huron till age seven.(You begin things by not setting a definite age for Breed, now we know for sure he is seven? Later you also make reference to him being fifteen. I think part of the issue is that you haven't established a character for POV -- not that you have to -- but if this is an omniscient narrator, he would know the times, dates and ages relevant to the story. If the POV is connected to a specific character, then either they know the age or they don't. If this is going to be from Breed's point of view, he may not know how old he was when his mom died, but then his POV should be established sooner, imo.)

One day his father came to the camp and said, “It’s time you learned the ways of the white man.” Presumably while Breed is seven?

Life as he knew it ceased to exist under the tutoring of his father. He was taught to speak and write French, a little English, but mostly about the bush, tracking, trapping and the skills necessary to stay alive in this harshest of environments.(I have a few cousins who are raised English/French bi-lingual. All of them were already speaking both languages by the time they were three. Even if Breed has not been exposed to French for four years or so, it is unlikely he would have to re-learn everything about speaking French. From your setting, it sounds like this tribe interacts with the cours-de-bois, so French and possibly English would probably be spoken around Breed. Also, it is likely that Breed has already been exposed to some survival, tracking and trapping techniques because he growing up in a Huron camp. He would continue to learn things from his father as he gets older, and it is much different living on your own as opposed to living in a community, but that is not what your words are communicating.) Louis Levine must have loved his son in his own way, but he was a hard man in a savage land, showing emotion was not his style. Lessons were taught to the tune of fists on flesh and savage beatings were rather common. The boy, referred to by his father simply as Breed, grow up thinking at first that Breed was his first name.(This sentence is awkward. I've had to read a few times to make sure I'm reading it the right way.) Life with his father came to an abrupt and savage end about two months after his fifteenth birthday. The day started with his father opening a bottle. Louis Levine was a binge drinker, he drank rarely, but when he drank he drank till it was gone. He had gone to the post with a bale of furs yesterday, so the three bottles he brought back with him would be finished to-day.(Actually this whole part of the paragraph feels awkward. I think it could all be said in a far more direct way that would remove the confussion.)

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I know there are a lot of comments there, and hopefully they don't sound too harsh. I think a lot of this boils down to the fact that you are telling me all about Breed, without letting me see things myself. You are giving a history lesson, a biography, without showing me anything that might engage me directly.

Basically everything here is backstory and the real story is about to begin this fateful day when Louis gets drunk and subsequently dies. So why not start there? Everything else can be woven into the story later.

Best of luck, and again, Welcome.

Identify where the story actually starts and begin there. What event was it that began the 'quest' that Breed undertakes? It probably wasn't his father's removing him from his home. It MIGHT start with the day his father dies.

The last three sentences are the most interesting to me. The only thing here, really that makes me want to read more. So start there.

"Breed's life with his father came to an abrupt and savage end a couple of months after his fifteenth birthday."

I agree with most of the comments noted above, so I won't just reiterate them. I would say, however, that there is a reason you wanted to write this story, and that there is something you have to say about Breed. Why don't you start out by stating your thesis right at the start? Something like, 'Although Breed's life had been hard, and he had no reason to trust his fellow man, somehow, somehow he felt that it was not right to live without trust.'

By stating your thesis up front, you are clearly signalling the reader (in this example) that you intend to show them why Breed 1) had no reason to trust, and 2) that there was something about Breed that made him wise in this respect, and 3) that there is a story to tell that will validate Breed's inchoate need to trust.

Given all that, the reader will more likely be willing to read about Breed's history, as the reader is trusting you to come through in the end. You have made a social contract with your reader, and (hoepfully) you will abide by the contract. IMHO anyway.

Also, I read your self-introduction and I see that we (your fellow Hatrackers) never got around to answering your questions regarding critiquing. Here's a link to some sites that might answer some of your questions: http://www.munsil.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=113

Regards, and keep plugging away. You have a story to tell. That's the hard part. The rest is just mechanics.

quote:

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I’m trying to present Breed as a character that I can utilize several time. Perhaps a series of Breed stories, each one covering one of his exploits. That is why the first thirteen lines read like a history lesson. I wanted to get some history on him established so in the future I could just hint back to it. Maybe the way I’m going about this is the wrong way to achieve my goals; I have never tried to do this before.

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First idea: Go with a prologue or historical bio before jumping into the story. Write a this section as a biography or use a story-line style and introduce everyone to Breed: The Man. This would set everything up asbeing based on a real person. Considering who your audience is likely to be, the historical intro -- up front -- could be effective.

Second idea: Weave the facts of who Breed is into the fabric of the story instead of info-dumping, and consider adding an appendix or endnotes that give the more academic version of the real Breed.

Either of these concepts would probably work for you, but they do set slightly different tones and appeal differently to readers.

quote:

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If you had read the next thirteen lines I’m sure you would have seen this is a showing story. I was surprised that a couple of the critters seem to have perceived the death of Breed’s father, he does die but not till near the end.

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Re-reading it again with the actual intention in mind, I do get the meaning of the sentence the way it is supposed to be read, but I think there is a better way of saying it to avoid any confusion.

[Edited to say, if you'd like to e-mail the entire story to me, I'd be willing to do a critique for you. 6000 could take a few days to do a deep crit, but I like the story concept and do enjoy a good back-woods story. Some of my favourite books include the Leatherstocking Tales by James Fenimore Cooper.]

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