posted
Well, here goes. I just found this place yesterday, and I can't help but want to get feedback, so I whipped up the start of a short story that's about a page and a half so far, Here's the opening:
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Frank Carrera, a dark haired man with hazel eyes, sat on the side of a neatly made bed. The comforter had an elaborate floral pattern that announced it as hotel linen. His eyes were set off in space, as if waiting for something. He thumbed over the power button of the remote in his hand, but felt it was useless to watch TV. There was nothing on at this hour worth watching anyway. His mind started to wander. He couldn't keep doing this for the rest of his life. Judy had been prodding him to think about what he liked doing, trying to help him figure out how he should make a living. She was good like that. She wasn't on his case about too much, but when she did get on his case about something it was because she genuinely cared about him and his future. He was going to marry that girl, and was beginning to feel much more motivated about choosing a career from simply being around her. She was very driven, determined to be a veterinary tech, and paying her own way through school to do it. Bang! A loud gunshot rang out from the room next door.
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any comments on this are welcome, and I'd love to send anyone that's interested the current version.
and some newbie questions:
1) is 13 lines 13 sentances, or 13 lines with some character number denoting a line?
2) What do you think about using onomatopoeia (eg bang!)
thanks!
[This message has been edited by deckof50 (edited April 06, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by deckof50 (edited April 06, 2005).]
Right. I'm troubled with this fragment. Let me explain. First sentence:
quote:Frank Carrera, a dark haired man with hazel eyes
Frank very well may be these things, but it's not relevant at this point. He probably doesn't think about his hair color or eye color unless he has reason to do so. I would suggest leaving out the physical descriptions until they need to be pointed out.
The good parts about the first paragraph are the ones dealing with the setting. Setting is nice, we knew were Frank was well enough. But the info about Judy feels all kinds of forced. Consider easing us into that instead of dumping it all at once.
The "bang" didn't work for me. It's kind of... well... it doesn't work.
Consider this idea: There's nothing wrong with starting with the gunshot being heard. You can still setup up the scene. For instance, only as an example... **
Frank heard the gunshot in the other hotel room while he sat on the bed thinking about marrying his girlfriend.
**
From here, you could continue on with describing the room, why he was there, etc, and then go back to the gun shot. We as readers will accept this device so long as you fulfill your promise to tell us about the gunshot soon enough.
posted
I'd like to see more details on his thought processes rather than just be told "he thought this etc". You could get much deeper into Frank's POV this way.
I like the details on the foral patterned linen.
But on the whole it doesn't capture my attention - I don't get much sense of the character. For example, showing him flicking from channel to channel might indicate he can't find anything worth watching. The closer in point of view you get to him, the more you can dip into his thoughts. Something like:
Judy was right. He couldn't keep doing this for the rest of his life.
Frank's facing an interesting, and common, dilemma, so he already has conflict. The gunshot going off interrupts everything and changes the expectations of the story - which is I think what youre going for, though I wouldn't be a big fan of the Bang! The gunshot does make for a good hook, so I'd consider HSO's suggestion of leading with it from the start.
posted
I'd say I have to agree with JFLong most of the way. POV seems to missing, although it doesn't really bother me much in this short section. If it goes on like this forever, I'm afraid I may not warm to Frank as much as you'd want me to.
Onomatopoeia generally don't work too well and "reduce" most prose to comic-book level (no disrespect to comic books, hence the double quotes). Since a bang is also noun, you might try something like
The loud bang of a gun being fired rang out from the room next door.
I'm not claiming this is better, but you get my drift. Picking a nit (while I'm at it): how does Frank know it's a shotgun? Most people know next to othing about guns and would only recognize a shotgun from a pistol if they saw it.
I'm interested in reading the full story, so if you send it along, I'll do my worst
posted
I suggest starting with the last line. I don't care that there's somebody somewhere who thinks his fiancee is good for him, or channel surfs, but I do want to know about the gunshot, and what happens next.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
So you guys have pointed out two problems that I had when writing this opening. The first is the first sentence. I Initially had it saying "A dark haired man with hazel eyes, sat on the side of a neatly made bed." And I liked the way the paragraph worked without ever giving his name, but then eventually I needed to give it, which I did when he spoke, but he doesn't speak until after he's met up with another man, and which "he" I was speaking about became confusing. Any ideas of good ways to introduce a characters name?
The second is that things aren't compelling till the gunshot. I thought of putting the gunshot in first, and then going through his thoughts, which would be a cool effect, but this would change the perception of the character. Though I don't want the character afraid of gunfire, I don't want him to be completely apathetic about it. Which he would seem if he was going over mundane thoughts while gunfire was going on.
posted
I'm also interested in the POV discussion. I feel my two biggest tripping points in writing are POV and tense. When you say more from Franks POV do you mean that I should be giving more details on how he's commming to the conclusions, or that I shold be changing the way I'm phrasing thigns?
eg given the lines:
"His mind started to wander. He couldn't keep doing this for the rest of his life."
Do you mean this (more of how he's getting to what he's thinking):
"He was bored and his mind started to wander. Being in an empty hotel room wasn't his idea of a fun saturday night. He knew he couldn't keep doing this for the rest of his life"
Or this (rephrasing to seem more first person):
"His mind started to wander. 'Can't keep doing this for the rest of my life', he thought"
posted
Just say "Frank sat on the neatly-made bed" or whatever. If he's important, don't withhold his name; if he's not important, don't begin with him.
A completely ordinary description like "hazel-eyed" is just clutter - don't tell me what he looks like unless it's important to the story somehow. For example, the floral pattern on the bedspread is important, because it tells me that he's in a motel; the color of his eyes is completely unimportant, because it tells me nothing.
posted
Thanks Beth, that makes total sense. I like that way of looking at things. If his description becomes important later on then at that point I'll add more detail. Or if his description mattered in making the reader think this way or that about how others would percieve the character then I add that, but what I added had no real value. Thanks!
Posts: 28 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
ahh yes, sorry about that HSO, that's exactly what you said! I had gotten caught up trying to take in the rest of your suggestions and forgot about the first one!
Posts: 28 | Registered: Apr 2005
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