posted
Grammar looks good to me (except that quotes need commas, as in: "Blah," she said.)
I'm not really interested yet. Having the wind as a best friend seems so unlikely it makes me think of an author's creativity, not a young woman's (girl's?) life.
What's got her so unhappy she's willing to make a notoriously unreliable inanaminate object her best friend? That might interest me, but it'll still be a tough sell, since "lonely" isn't an interesting emotion to me (though I might be interested in how she resolves it!).
posted
This sounds a bit like claustrphobia, although a bit extreme. She's not even in a particularly enclosed space, just inside a house.
Well written....there was a bit of a bump in transition between paragraphs. It took a couple of sentences for the connection to come clear. Suggest rewording to go from wind to getting home more gradually, as opposed to getting home and then going back to the wind.
There is not a clear hook hear, but there is a tug. This abnormal fear of being inside is strange enough for me to keep reading for another page or two, but I would expect a sharper hook by then, if that makes any sense.
posted
I agree with wbriggs and keely. This is really close to working - what's missing is more of what she's unhappy about. The first paragraph is just happyhappyhappy, so I'm almost assuming she's some kind of fairy or something, in a particular genre of fairy story.
The second paragraph begins to tell us that she feels smothered, but it's somewhat repetitive - she tells us she feels smothered, then you tell us her chest gets tight, then you tell us she panicked, and then you tell us she's about to be buried alive. Spend more time on what's causing that reaction, and don't tell us about it four times in one paragraph.
Yet it's really close to working. I suspect that if you finish the piece and then come back to the beginning for another pass, it will fall into place neatly.
posted
There is no tension. The first paragraph does not flow well into the second. You don't use any commas in the second paragraph. This is all opinion, except for statements #3 & 4.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited April 13, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited April 13, 2005).]
posted
It's not bad, it just isn't...something. The dancing with the wind doesn't quite work, the sense of the family "croft" (not too sure how you're using this word) being a terrible confinement isn't sufficiently developed to seem credible.
You do have something potentially interesting here, but it doesn't quite fly yet.
posted
Hi. I'm not sure if your last post (just above this one) is a rewrite or what? I didn't get that.
But, i'll criticise your 1st one. It's fancy writing and all. Articulate and all that kind of stuff. It's just that I found it boring. I know you're trying to depict an image of serenity and happiness (that is probably all going to change soon. This is being told like this so that we've got something to contrast to later on right?) but it's just a bit boring. Apart from the very last sentence about being buried alive. How does she know that anyways? Is this a point of view error, or is it some weird ritual she knows that she has to go through today? Maybe what is wrong is that you've started in the wrong place. Pick the point where the change begins to start the story. Perhaps.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 14, 2005).]
posted
That's the way I read it from the first few sentences. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought it was meant literally. Maybe because we'd already been told a few times about how constricted she felt, so I thought this last phrase was literal and not a metaphor. But, I suppose another line or 2 might set me straight on that. Who knows? Probably Limo, but its unfinished yet, so she could very well end up buried alive even if Limo doesn't know it yet. Gawd...it's been a long day. What am I rambling on about now???
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 14, 2005).]
posted
I found the contrast in mood between the first and second paragraphs to be jarring.
Is she delighted or feeling doomed? Is she a fun and fancy free personality or a gloom and doom pessimist always looking for the darkness ahead?
I read the first paragraph differently from the first. I make different judgements about her and her character depending on the paragraph, different expectations of where the story is taking me depending on the paragraph.
About the revision (? If it's something entirely different, just post it on a separate thread.) I like the original better because it draws me in with a single POV character that I can grab onto. With her I can enter this story as a near-participant, rather than an unattached observer.
posted
Actually, the difficulty wasn't with "croft" particularly but with the juxtaposition of entry into the croft and shutting the door of the house behind herself. It made me think that you thought "croft" referred to the house somehow.
The second posted opening isn't very good. It's out of POV, it doesn't introduce the main character, and it consists mainly of rather contrived dialogue. You don't even have a scene, just a crowd and a messenger. It's hard to say whether this would be a better place to open your story, but my instinct is that it isn't a pivotal event in Marash's story, even if she is present (if she's there, then you've skipped over the point where she took her first steps towards a seafaring life).
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